Tools that have proven useful in dealing with difficult people:
1. Disarm an argument by agreeing to whatever part of their agenda that holds some truth. For example, if someone accuses you of aways being selfish, instead of reacting with indignation or trying to defend yourself, you might respond with “Yeah, sometimes I can be selfish”. The “sometimes" is a key word in this approach because we all have times when our behavior is less than ideal. And it usually defuses the attack because of the element of agreement, creating an opening for actual discussion instead of mud slinging.
2. When someone has difficulty hearing what we are saying, the “broken record” technique can be useful. Decide what is key to your point and repeat it as often as necessary using a calm voice and making eye contact. For example, if someone continues to “borrow” something of yours without permission, you might tell them “I want you to ask me before you take my things.” Ensuring dialogue could go something like this:
“But I really needed it!”
“I want you to ask me before you take my things.”
“But you weren’t around for me to ask!”
“I can see how that could be frustrating, and I want you to ask me before you take my things.”
“How can I ask you if you’re not there?”
“Ask me before you take my things. I trust that you can find a way to contact me by phone or text if I am not there.”
“But that would take too much time and I really needed it!”
“ Ask me before you take my things”.
If you start to slide off track, stick to the original statement by itself and let go of acknowledging the other’s point of view or offering suggestions. You get the picture; stand your ground, smile and repeat.
3. One of my clients taught me this one: She was troubled by a rather passive aggressive co-worker who would make snide comments in a pleasant “helpful” voice about what she did, or what she wore, or what she said. Finally, my client turned to this co-worker, looked her in the eyes, and asked “Are you TRYING to hurt me?” The co-worker got flustered and said “Of course not!” Client responded with “Well, you are doing a bang up job of hurting my feelings. Please stop.” And it worked.
4. Remember that “No” is a complete sentence. You are not obligated to explain or justify your reasons for declining. If you want to sweeten your refusal, you can respond with “No, thank you” or “No, thanks for thinking of me” with a smile. If the asker persists, you might bring in the “broken record”.
5. If someone close to you is exhibiting a behavior that you find annoying and is expecting you to put up with it, look them in the eye and say “When you do this (fill in the offending behavior), I don’t want to be around you.” And then leave the room. It may take a few times, and they usually get the idea.
All of the above are about setting and maintaining personal boundaries. Some people try to manipulate others into their particular agenda, and they can only do so if you allow them to lead. It’s important to recognize your limits and not give away your power to them. If using these tools seems intimidating, role playing with a supportive person can help build your confidence. Have some fun experimenting with the above ideas and may you reap good results.