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Conversations For Change

May Tidbit: Neuroplasticity

5/8/2025

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Classic wisdom informs us that everything changes, nothing remains the same. When we look at how this applies to the human brain we are in the arena of neuroplasticity, the flexibility of the brain to learn, to change, to be always in a state of flux. Our experiences continually rewire us to provoke new thoughts, ideas, and perspectives. Ideally we experience mistakes as lessons, and we learn from them, to avoid repeating choices that do not serve us well. Some experiences like love or addiction invade the synapses of the brain like a virus and radically change the way we see the world. And often we see what we expect to see; our neocortex can turn our beliefs into our own virtual reality. 

Sometimes an experience from the past inhibits and interferes with our ability to live fully in the present and take advantage of the awesome design of our brain. It might be a past trauma of some sort, or a belief that evolved from experience, and you might remember it, or it might operate just beneath awareness.  Either way it happened, and might act as an anchor to a particular belief in an attempt to protect you from future hurt. For example, someone who was ridiculed as being lazy, crazy, bad, or ugly in childhood might act as if it was true as an adult and limit their life accordingly. Our beliefs, conscious or unconscious, shape our abilities. Unless we make a different choice. 

Memories held in the cortex strengthen or weaken depending on how often you visit them. If you add an additional memory that accompanies, maybe even contradicts the original belief, things may start to change. One of my teachers successfully used  hypnosis to create an alternative experience of birth to enhance mother / daughter relationships that had become estranged. In Drama Therapy sessions we would work to “expand our repertoire” by taking on the role of someone who was courageous, smart, beautiful, happy, or creative, often in another person’s role play. And those qualities would be awakened in ourselves and be available to call upon when needed. When I first began speaking in front of large audiences I learned to act as if I was confident and  relaxed, and after a while, I really was confident and relaxed. It became part of my accessible repertoire and I could call up those feelings and thoughts when I chose. 

We can’t go back and change what happened in the past, but the neuroplasticity of the brain gives us the ability to start where we are and change how that past affects us today. Choose what you tell yourself about what is happening or what has happened. When your thoughts stray to negative thoughts or memories, stop them and redirect to something more positive. The brain, like our muscles, can atrophy when not used and needs constructive exercise to stay strong.  Encourage your brain to stretch and grow with a variety of stimulation that might include conversations, taking a class, games, reading, learning a language, affirmations, walking in nature, anything that makes you actually think or smile. 

“​Of all of the ways we get programmed, it is our self-talk that plays the single most important role in the programming of the brain. If you have the wrong self-talk, your life will be a struggle, and cannot work well. If you use the right self-talk, you will wire your brain in the best possible way—and the results will show in your life.”
― Shad Helmstetter, The Power of Neuroplasticity
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April Tidbit: Responsibility

4/15/2025

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How do you cope when someone you love is doing something that you believe is not in their best interest? Maybe they are drinking too much, not taking care of themselves very well, or just not doing something the way you think they should. Out of concern for their well being you want to tell them but sometimes you hold your tongue out of fear they will get angry at you. If you hold your tongue and fret about the situation for long enough you may find yourself caught in the “puking buzzard” syndrome, where everything comes blurting out with more force than you even knew was there and you evoke the the very anger that you feared.

Recently I quoted Jerry Garcia “You ain’t gonna learn what you don’t want to know”. Generally, people don’t want to know they are wrong, so confronting behavior with criticism usually does not go well. Because we learn by engaging with information in ways that allow the content to enter our thought process, it is important to make that connection before providing information. Listening for understanding can help make connection so you can communicate your concerns in a compassionate way. It might sound something like this: "I want us to understand each other and make good choices.  Please explain to me how you see this situation and I’ll really listen and take a few minutes to try on your perspective without judging it. Then I’d like to talk about my perspective and maybe you can look at it from my point of view for a few minutes. Even if we don’t agree on a resolution, at least we can better understand each other.” 

Perhaps the best outcome is that you will each influence the other’s thinking. Sometimes all we can do is plant seeds and pray for them to grow. Remember that you are not in charge of the outcome, only your own actions. It is important to acknowledge that you are not responsible for another adult's behavior and you cannot make them change it. You can invite them to think about it and tell them how you feel, but you need to be willing to let go of thinking you know best and that you are in charge, for both of your sakes. If another person’s behavior is causing you problems, focus on your own behavior and your choices, and get support for yourself. Some choices are really hard and we do not always see the big picture. If this is a pattern for you perhaps  look at what is going on with you that you feel the need to try to fix others. Being responsible is about your “ability to respond” and feelings of powerlessness can make us want to try to manipulate others, often damaging our relationships and causing harm to everyone involved. Just as the spouse who makes excuses to protect their alcoholic partner simply prolongs the drinking, it is not in another’s best interest for us to bail them out and allow them to avoid the consequences of their behavior. 

The image of a butterfly struggling to break out of its cocoon symbolizes the importance of dealing with challenges to grow and develop strength. If we assist it in getting free, we interfere with its process of strengthening its wings and the butterfly may not have strong enough wings to fly. It might actually die because we tried to help it. Learning when to let go or stand back informs about the relationship between actions and consequences and it is an ongoing process for us all. In his book “How can I help?”, Ram Dass refers to the desire to help as "a timeless inquiry of the heart”. By all means, let us help each other, but let the focus be on building strengths than attempting to fix or compensate for perceived weakness.
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March Tidbit: Appreciation

3/9/2025

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A friend once told me she saw people as being in one of two categories: those who were appreciative of what was in their life and those who felt like they never had enough. The "never enoughers” as she called them, were always seeking more, no matter how much they already had. They were like hungry ghosts, greedy to get more money, more power, more sex, more of everything, and the sad part was that they were never satisfied. They ate more than was good for them, had affairs that damaged their relationships, bought stuff they did not need, and traveled the world to trying to fill an internal void. Some built huge corporations, started wars, and looked for ways to fill their pockets without regard for others or the environment. She believed that what created their void was really irrelevant, that the why didn’t matter. What was important was how it operated and how the person thought and felt and acted so that small changes could open paths that might lead to satisfaction.

Our consumer society feeds the “never enough” syndrome. Media bombards us with advertisements for the latest products, new cars, fast food, travel adventures, and new medications to make us feel better. We are mightily encouraged to think that happiness comes from external purchases rather than any inner awareness or connection, so it can be challenging to change this pattern of thought. One effective way to begin that change is with the practice of gratitude. And, as with any new practice, it can be helpful to start small, so perhaps once a day think of something that truly enhances your life, maybe even write it down and start a list. As your list grows, take a few minutes daily to unplug from the media and review your inner thoughts about the blessings you already have. Appreciate simple things as well as complicated ones: a flower, the beauty of sunrise and sunset, the caress of a breeze, your home, your garden, a tree, the loving nudge of a beloved pet, special people in your life, your ability to walk, to think, to feel, to see, to hear. The more you open your heart to appreciate what is around you, the more gratitude you will have to share, so pass it on and express your appreciation to other people. Allow it to be a way to nourish yourself and the world. If we had more appreciation and less greed perhaps both our personal world and the larger world would be a cleaner, safer, happier place. 

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February 11th, 2025

2/11/2025

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​Emotions are complicated. Sometimes they seem unmanageable and they have been known to cause people to do things they later regret. Occasionally two or more feelings are even in conflict with each other and we feel unbalanced and powerless. Other times they make us smile and laugh. And there are an awful lot of them in various degrees and colors and they can pop up unexpectedly, often surprising us with their intensity. I’ve frequently thought the world would be a much happier place if emotional fluency was a subject taught in our schools.
​
Emotional fluency means being able to go beyond the basic emotions of mad, sad, glad and scared, and be able to identify and talk about how you feel. To have words to describe and share feelings offers opportunity to understand and transform them, and to learn techniques to deal with those that are troublesome. Emotions are energy, pure and simple. The first Law of Thermodynamics states that energy cannot be created nor destroyed, only converted from one form to another. So how do we transform those emotions that cause us problems into something more manageable? 

Sometimes people try to get rid of uncomfortable feelings by burying them deep inside. While that may seem to work short term, inevitably they resurface in some way or form because the energy of those feelings cannot be destroyed. And, like electrical energy, they seek an outlet, although stored emotional energy can take years, or even decades before our internal containment begins to leak in ways that we notice. It might manifest eventually as depression, overeating, alcoholism, other destructive behaviors, disease, or relationship dysfunction. Often clients would come to me in their 40s or 50s to deal with buried emotions from childhood that had begun leaking from the depths in which they had been stored. 

Our feelings, thoughts and behaviors are interconnected and if you change one you impact the others. If you stop and take a breath instead of just reacting to a feeling, you have already begun the change process with that action. Talking about your feelings, or writing about them, is another behavioral change. These small but powerful actions open doors to new ways to identify and better manage our emotions. Sharing experiences with others can give us further insight into new coping and transformational tools. It can feel challenging to find a safe way or a safe person to begin this process, so take small steps, be patient with yourself and ask for help when you need it. 

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January Tidbit: How Do We Learn?

1/9/2025

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People learn in different ways. A teenage girl was sent to my office, in danger of being thrown out of her third high school for disruptive behavior and failing grades. Our conversations revealed that she was quite bright and learned best by doing, using her hands, or interacting with others, and that she got very little out of lectures or films. She was a tactile / kinesthetic learner, and audio/visual instruction left her bored and frustrated. Working with her teachers to tweak her educational structure at school, her behavior and her grades improved and she successfully graduated with her class. Last I heard from her she had gotten a job she loved at a flower shop where she used her hands and talked to people all day. Learning how she learned significantly changed her life’s path.

We sometimes expect people to learn from exposure to facts but often they don’t. When people are attached to a belief system you can throw facts that contradict their beliefs at them all day long and see very little change. Economist John Kenneth Galbraith wrote: "The conventional view serves to protect us from the painful job of critical thinking. When faced with the choice of changing one’s mind or proving the that there is no need to do so—almost everybody gets busy trying to find the proof.”  Or, as Jerry Garcia sang: “You ain’t gonna learn what you don’t want to know”. (  https://quotationcelebration.wordpress.com/2017/01/30/you-aint-gonna-learn-what-you-dont-wanna-know-jerry-garcia/ )

We learn by engaging with information in ways that allow the content to enter our thought process. Visual, auditory, and kinesthetic are the most common methods of engagement, and most people can use some combination of them. Someone like my teenage client who has pretty much one dominant learning style are often labeled lazy or stupid, as she was, when in reality they just experience and think differently than the norm. It makes sense that we are more open to new information if we are presented with it in a way that is in sync with our learning style. More importantly, it is the willingness to consider points of view that differ from our own that keeps our cognitive juices flowing and invites us to engage in critical thinking. Without engaging our thinking process, we might memorize but we will not really learn. So be curious and explore new things and ideas, and in the process, you just might learn more about yourself. 
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December Tidbit: The Christmas Spiders

12/8/2024

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I bought a beautiful Christmas Spider at a local craft sale last month and with it came this story:

A widowed woman was worried as Christmas approached. She worked very hard and was able to keep her children warm and fed but had no extra money for Christmas presents. She did not want to disappoint her children with nothing to give them, so on Christmas Eve after she put her children to bed, she went into the forest and cut a small evergreen tree to bring home to decorate for the holiday. She adorned it with berries, bits of ribbon, and Christmas cookies before she went to bed, hoping that the tree might make her children’s empty Christmas a little brighter. 

While she slept, spiders crept out of the corners and crevices of their home. The spiders knew how hard the woman worked and had compassion for her efforts. So with generous spirit they decided to help her, and they spent hours spinning their silk to drape over the branches of the small tree in an attempt to brighten it with their shiny web strands. Late in the night, Santa came to the house bringing gifts for the children. He chuckled at the spiders’ diligent work, and saw how the tree was much improved, but he suspected the widow would be heartbroken to see her tree covered in spider webs. So he turned the webs into pure silver and the tree shone brightly in the moonlight. 

In the morning the woman and her children were in awe of the beautiful tree and they danced for joy around it. The woman was grateful for the kind help she had received and knew it was going to be a wonderful Christmas after all. And this is why Christmas trees are traditionally decorated with silver tinsel, in honor of the industrious and kindly spiders (who had a little help from Santa). 

May you have a holiday season filled with generosity of spirit, compassion, beauty and joy. Lend a helping hand when you can, and celebrate with gratitude the miracles around us every day.  
Picture
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November 07th, 2024

11/7/2024

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Many of us have difficulty getting enough sleep. Whether it is due to worry, physical discomfort, or an overactive mind, not getting enough sleep is detrimental to your mental and physical health. The transition time between waking conscious and unconscious sleep is referred to as the hypnogogic state, and it is a time when we are most receptive to taking in information. It is a good time to do your affirmations or listen to restful sounds or voices to prepare for peaceful sleep. Your tidbit this month is a 15 minute recording designed to assist you in achieving good sleep. Feedback is appreciated. And of course, you know not to listen to this recording when you are operating heavy equipment…. or cooking. The text of the script is written below if you would like to record it in your own voice as some people find that the sound of their own voice most soothing and helpful in falling asleep.



  The following is the text of the recording; the recording is at the bottom of the text:
                                                                   ******
This recording is intended to help you achieve restful sleep. Dim the lights and put your body in the most comfortable position you can find. Take your time. The day is done and it is time now to consciously let it go and slow down.Take a long deep inhalation and when you exhale think about letting go of any residual emotions and thoughts of the day. If a thought  or feeling persists, put it on the list of things to think about tomorrow and let it go. Empty yourself completely with the exhaled release of your breath. And when you breathe in again, think about inhaling a sense of relaxed well-being that releases all tension in your muscles and calms your mind. Every breath you take is an energy exchange with the universe, so as you exhale turn over to a higher power everything that does not support your restful sleep, and breathe in what you need to let go of the day and sink into a deep and peaceful sleep. 


Breathe out any physical tension and embrace the soft blanket of letting go as you inhale.
Breathe out any lingering fears and inhale a calm awareness of peace.
Breathe out any resentment or anger and breathe in compassion for all living creatures, including yourself.
Breathe out any apprehension regarding the future and breathe in harmony.
Breathe out awareness of old hurts and injuries and breathe in forgiveness for yourself and others. 
Breathe out anxiety and breathe in a peaceful easy feeling.
Breathe out insecurity and self doubt and breathe in appreciation of yourself.
Breathe out any negative thoughts you may have been told about yourself and breathe in self acceptance.
Breathe out any negative thoughts you tell yourself about yourself and breathe in self appreciation
Breathe out judgement and breathe in compassion.
Breathe out resistance and breathe in gratitude.


Your sleep is deep and healing and you trust that you will awaken at your desired time. Anytime you might wake before that desired time, you will find it easy to return to sleep by simply relaxing your mind and body and breathing in and out. Perhaps after listening to this a number of times you will be able to simply think the words “relax, breathe" and sink into peaceful sleep.  You can start with relaxing your toes, softening them and allowing them to relax and let go of any tension. Now bring focus to your ankles, smoothing out any constriction, allowing the energy to move freely. Our calves often hold tension so invite them to soften and loosen also, feeling the muscles lengthen and relax. Progressively move through your body allowing any pain or tension to flow more freely and as that energy of discomfort becomes more fluid, it begins to exit your body through the soles of your feet and the palms of your hands,  leaving you in a state of relaxed well being that soon becomes deep and restful sleep that restores and heals your body and mind.  


There are many stages of sleep. As move through these transitions, you receive deep benefit from each of them. If at any time physical discomfort awakens you during your sleep or inhibits you from falling asleep, you can allow yourself to gently observe the dimensions and texture of the discomfort without fully coming to wakefulness. Notice its location and the size of it. Is it as small as a marble or large as a basketball? Now notice its texture. Is it hard like stone, or softer like wood, or even softer still like tangled yarn or knotted rope?  Observe it without fully coming to wakefulness and without judgement. Acknowledge it, and then invite it to begin to change, slowly at first. Start at the very edges of the discomfort. Pain is energy congested, and just like traffic congestion, can most easily start to be resolved at the outer edges rather than the center. So notice the edges of your discomfort and direct your breath along those edges. Breathe in deeply and create space with your breath around those edges. Feel the widening and opening of free space, and allow the discomfort to begin to flow outward and start to dissipate. With each breath you create more space, more room for the energy to flow. Feel the loosening of the knots, the softening of the tension as your discomfort melts and spreads out. Notice the softening of your body as you slide gratefully into sounder sleep. 


 Sleep is a way of rebooting, of restoring integrity to parts of us that are in need. It is during the deep relaxation stage of sleep that the healing energy within can go to where it is most needed.  As you are sleeping your body is doing maintenance and repair with intelligent unconscious knowledge so trust in the wisdom of your body and that all is well. You are at peace and your sleep now becomes more restful.


Your sleep is deep and healing, and when the desired time comes for you to wake, at that time you will awaken feeling refreshed, relaxed, and alert. For now you will sleep soundly for as long as you wish, your breath even and relaxed, your body and mind relaxed and at peace. And so it is.
 
****if you are recording this on your own, feel free to insert whatever suits you best in place of “a higher power” and to change the words as you deem best. 

If you are unable to get the recording below to play, email me and I'll send you a more compatible copy.

​


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October 11th, 2024

10/11/2024

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With hurricanes and tornadoes in the southeast and wildfires in the northwest, this has been a time of significant trauma and drama for many people.  Some people have suffered monumental losses; others the loss of trust, routine, and security. Such losses can evoke feelings of despair, uncertainty about the future, depression, anxiety and a range of physical and emotional reactions that may show up long after the actual danger has passed. Major disruptions in our lives can rock our sense of security and can re-activate symptoms of old trauma.

This is a good time to expand your repertoire of coping skills. Primary is receiving support but some of us resist allowing others to help us. Actively reach out to available resources: friends, family, neighbors, groups, counseling to ask for support....or to offer it. Telling your story and expressing your feelings helps to internalize the reality of what happened, so don’t hesitate to do that for as long as you feel the need. If the person you talk to tells you to “get over it”, find someone else who is willing to listen. If you are on the receiving end of someone’s story, recognize that you have an opportunity to improve your compassionate listening skills and be of service. Just as the gazelle who just barely escapes the lion will stand and shiver and shake for a few moments once he is safe, we need to be able to "shake off" the experience in order to move on. Being a more verbal species than gazelles, we often shake off with our words. Be gentle with yourself and others and do not judge. 

You might experience the desire to medicate your symptoms with alcohol, drugs or food. Think twice about suppressing your experience and choose instead to practice self care with exercise, helpful conversations, nourishing food, music, meditation, dance, yoga, beloved pets, hot baths, guided imagery…. review your list of techniques that help you feel grounded and safe. There are therapeutic techniques like EFT, TAT, and EMDR that can mitigate the impact and symptoms of trauma in helpful ways, so explore those options for additional support. Take some time to do things you enjoy and express gratitude for what you do have. Explore ways to be of service to others. If you have misplaced your sense of humor, go looking for it. The poet Rumi suggested that if you don’t like what you see, try looking at it from another perspective. He believed that every loss leaves an open space with potential. 
                                                            Barn burned down.
                                                            Now I can see the moon.
                                                                            Rumi
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September Tidbit: Responsibility and Blame

9/8/2024

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There seems to be a lot of confusion about responsibility these days. If you pay attention to news reports, you may notice that they abound with manipulative misinformation regarding deceptions and cover ups. Politicians seeking election seem to spend more time slinging mud than talking about ways to remedy problems. It is difficult to discover the truth about what is really happening, the local issue about building golf courses in Florida State Parks being a case in point. It often seems that people would rather point a finger at someone else or misrepresent issues instead of taking responsibility. 

Blame is about judgement; it assigns fault from a right / wrong paradigm. The Blame Game can become so convoluted that it resembles a three ring circus with clowns pointing giant fingers, lions whipped into submission, jugglers scrambling to be in control. If I blame you, I don't have look at myself or examine my feelings. I could even get righteous about it and seek release for my anger or frustration. And if I blame myself, I can tell myself I'm not good enough and indulge in self recrimination, much the way monks of old would self flagellate to show remorse for sin. Either way, I can reenact old familiar patterns of thought and behavior and avoid dealing with real growth and change. Before you come to the conclusion that I am judging blame as worthless, it does serve a purpose. It is one of the most powerful conversations for no change, and as we know, change can be scary. Blame really does a great job of helping us avoid looking at painful parts of ourselves, of maintaining the status quo. And a part of us wants that even as we declare we want something better.

To be responsible is to be accountable. One of my clients defined responsibility as the "ability to respond" to help her break free from a pattern of feeling overly responsible for things other people did that were outside her control. Responsibility is simply about action and consequence, and it is always present, even when it is not acknowledged. If we can hold onto that concept, perhaps we can focus  with positive intent on our involvement in any scenario. Whenever people showed up in my office struggling with resentments, we always explored what their part was is the situation, giving them power to make change. Giving all the power and responsibility to another simply makes us feel like angry or helpless victims.

Sometimes things go wrong. Objects break, people make mistakes, accidents happen. How do we handle these events?  Do we look first to how to improve the situation? Or do we look for someone to blame or direct our anger towards?  If blame is our first response, are we just mirroring what we've been taught, or are we coming from a place of self doubt and avoiding our own deeper emotions?  Either way, consciously bringing compassion into the picture is one way to sidestep old patterns of blame. Compassion is about empathy and mercy;  it is the practice of loving kindness not just to others but also to ourselves. It does not mean we absolve responsibility; it means we mindfully choose to not beat up ourselves or anyone else, and it often requires letting go of ego and ego driven goals in order to recognize our connection with others and be more fully human.

So this brings us to the question of our intention. Do we really want to maintain the status quo or do we want something better?  Without blame, whatever happened can become a source of useful information. Whether it was an accident or a mistake or simply bad judgement, it can become an opportunity to learn something, to improve the way things are and to promote positive growth in ourselves and our relationships.  

      “A man can fail many times, but he isn’t a failure until he begins to blame somebody else.” ~John Burroughs, American author
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August Tidbit: Stress Relief

8/7/2024

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Instead of allowing stress to run rampant in our minds and bodies, there are things we can do to alleviate its intensity and potential harm. Stress comes in many flavors. It can be internal (fed by worrisome thoughts) or external (situational), or both at once. Stress can also be positive, such as  buying a house or getting married, or caused by a negative event such as a car accident or seeing harm befall a loved one. Stress is a natural part of life; it's how we manage it that determines its effect on us. 

A common denominator of stress is anticipatory fear, the concern of how something might unfold. The finger hold associated with fear and judgement described in a previous tidbit can turn down the intensity fairly quickly. Encase the index finger of one hand in the other. A gentle hold allows the energy of fear to move through you and change rather than become congested and stuck. This can alleviate anxiety and facilitate making better decisions.

Fear is future oriented, so stay in the moment. If you catch your mind running away with itself into negative possibilities, stop and take a breath. Focus on slow deep breaths and your body and mind will flow towards the calm. Our breath mirrors our emotional state, and changing one impacts the other.  

You are not your stress, so don’t overly identify with it. It is something you are experiencing, not who you are. Notice where the stress feels strongest in your body. Many people find it in their shoulders, jaw or stomach, but it can manifest anywhere. Call up your witness, the part of you that can stand outside the situation and observe without having to react, and cultivate an attitude of “Isn’t that interesting?” instead of judging your reactions. Think about consciously relaxing muscles that are near that area. Just like with traffic gridlock, the release starts on the edges of the congestion. So if the tension is in your shoulders, focus on relaxing your arms or elbows, or even your fingers to allow sequential release of tension. 

Close your eyes and direct your mind to something that invites a sense of well being. It might be a childhood memory, a place like the beach or mountains, a story, a room in your house, or a loved one’s hug. Allow that sense of comfort and safety to grow inside you, to empower your resources. When I was a child there was a tree in nearby woods that I would climb and sit in for hours, just observing nature and thinking. Invoking a picture of that tree in my mind slows my heartbeat and my breath and calms me. Collect some memories of things that make you feel good for use when you need them. 

Spend more time doing things you love and less time doing things that trigger stress reactions. Many people find that taking a walk instead of watching  the news on television reduces their daily stress levels immensely. Exercise really helps as does proper hydration and nutrition. Good self care and support makes it easier to deal with everything and minimizes the negative impact of stress.  

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    Author

    Charly Hill is a Life Skills Coach and Self Empowerment Teacher.
    She has a MA in counseling and recently retired her California Marriage, Family and Child Therapist license. 

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