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Conversations For Change

December Tidbit: Holiday Reminders

12/8/2025

It can be challenging to balance holiday festivities and personal self care this time of year. It’s easy to get caught up in the parties, the family dinners with multiple desserts, shopping, relationship issues, and other things that come with the season. New Years resolutions are supposed to get us back on track, but it is better to not fall too far off track in the first place. Following are some ideas to help you keep in balance and still have fun. You probably know all this, but reminders can help us to actually apply what we know.

Stay physically active. Take walks, do your exercises, go to the gym, whatever floats your boat to stay in shape. Invite loved ones to accompany you so you can spend quality time with those you choose. Or take a solitary stroll to clear your head.

Maintain healthy boundaries by saying “no” to some invitations, to second or third helpings, obligatory gift giving, and things that prove to be more stressful than fun. Sometimes we forget that “No, thank you.” is a complete sentence and does not need to be followed with excuses or justifications. Just smile, say thank you, and express appreciation for the kindness of the thought.

Remember to drink water and stay hydrated. Eat and drink slowly, enjoying every bite and every sip. If you drink alcohol, make sure you also drink water, and know and honor your limits re: intoxicants (and desserts!).

Practice gratitude and let people know you care about them. Taking the time to actually listen to someone and express affection to them is often more valuable to the recipient than any pricey store bought gift. One of my best Christmases was a year when money was tight and all gifts were either handmade or from a thrift store. We’d sit on the floor and string popcorn and craft ornaments and gifts, talking and laughing and telling stories. It was way more fun than navigating holiday traffic and waiting in lines at a store, and it brought us closer together.

Schedule downtime and allow yourself enough time to rest. A good night’s sleep, spending quiet moment with pets or hobbies, meditation, and mindful breathing can refresh and help keep you in balance so you can make good decisions and have fun without sleep deprivation.

Prioritize what is most important to you. Spend quality time with people you care about and those who uplift you while minimizing time with those who judge and criticize. If you have a Grinch in your circle, say nice things to them for a very brief moment and move on to someone else.

Ask for help when you need it. Know that you do not have to do everything yourself and let go of trying to make things your version of perfect. Choose to enjoy the reality of what is around you without wishing it to be different because it is all unfolding in perfect divine order just as it is, and you deserve to allow yourself to enjoy it.

November 07th, 2025

11/7/2025

When I worked in alcoholism treatment, my extraordinary boss Ruth used to bring in books, ideas and statements that made us (staff and residents alike) really think. Her idea of recovery was an expansive one, especially for the 1980s, and one statement she made resonated and stayed with me. She said, "When you get to the place where you really like who you are and where you're at, get grateful for all the shit that got you there!” (Ruth, a little old gray haired lady in tennis shoes, had her own way with words.) She explained that the biggest challenges we face make us stronger and wiser if we allow ourselves to learn from them, and to be grateful for that wisdom because gratitude brings light and serenity.

Author Alice Feeney frequently echoed this theme in her novels with statements like: “The mistakes she made gave her more happiness than sorrow.” This perspective values personal growth and a willingness to accept life on life’s terms rather than trying to enact a planned and perfect outcome. It is not always easy to hold onto this mindset when crisis strikes, but if you take some time to think about it now it might not be too far from your thoughts when it is needed. Perhaps make a list of all the events in your life that seemed awful at the time, but later proved to be beneficial. One person’s story as an example: “My high school sweetheart and I had planned to marry after we graduated and have lots of babies and live happily ever after. When his other girlfriend (?!?) got pregnant during senior year he married her, and I was devastated and heartbroken. Years later, I ran into him. He was divorced and drinking heavily, working in a dead end job. I realized that I had dodged a bullet and was very grateful.”

Sometimes a trauma seems too large to apply this concept. The death of a loved one, a serious disease diagnosis, loss of home or livelihood can seem far too overwhelming. Remember to breathe, keep moving, take care of yourself and have faith that more will be revealed down the road. It has been said that “time heals all wounds” but what time really does is facilitate a shift in perspective, and that shift is what offers opportunities for healing. Reframing a challenge as an opportunity can open us to creative perspectives and solutions, while a negative point of view is limiting and can leave us feeling and suffering like a victim. Author Shauna Niequist expressed it this way: "When life is sweet, say thank you and celebrate. When life is bitter, say thank you and grow.”

So this holiday season, express gratitude for all the bounty on your table, and also remember to be grateful for all the trials and tribulations that got you to a seat at that table.

"The barn burned down.
Now I can see the moon."
Rumi

October Tidbit: Powerlessness

10/15/2025

The feeling of powerlessness is probably the most challenging of all emotions, often leaving us without any sense of direction or control. It is frequently the under lying emotion behind other feelings, with anger, anxiety, and depression foremost on the list. Codependency, addiction, bullying, and other compulsive behaviors often have roots in a need to avoid feeling helpless. And perhaps the extreme discomfort that accompanies powerlessness is a contributing factor to the obsession with power and wealth often seen in our culture. We humans do not like to feel powerless and many seem to be far more comfortable replacing it with anger or aggression in pursuit of some sense of power.

There is another way to look at powerlessness. Author Anne Lamont once referred to it as a “superpower of old age”, suggesting that acquired wisdom will allow us to recognize that things will usually work out without our needing to control them. If we can recognize and accept when we are actually powerless we can let go of torturing ourselves with worrisome thoughts and recriminations. Awareness of where we are powerless allows us to focus on things where we do have control : our own thoughts and behaviors. With wisdom we begin to recognize that we cannot control or be responsible for the behavior of other people, but we can choose how to respond to their behavior, and in that choice is our power.

Learning to accept reality does not mean we passively go along with everything. There are times to speak up and times to take action for change. We need the wisdom to distinguish where we can create positive change and where we cannot, and that can be confusing. Even with an experience that is profoundly disruptive and beyond our ability to impact (think earthquake, loss of a beloved, wildfire, political insanity) we can use it as a crucible to explore our resilience and adaptability, to develop new skills and explore alternatives, to “think outside the box” in order to make better choices. It can be a powerful opportunity for creative growth as we learn to navigate the rapids and flux of the world we live in.

September Tidbit: The Curious Crisis

9/5/2025

Many of you are aware that the Chinese word for crisis contains two symbols, one meaning danger and the other opportunity. This suggests that even in troubling times there are possibilities for growth and positive change depending on how we perceive and respond to a situation. Some people automatically react to the danger and can become over whelmed with emotion, while others respond to the opportunities offered by the situation. Changing perception is a powerful tool and asking the question “What can I learn from this?” intentionally shifts your perception to focus on the possible opportunities.

In The Once and Future King, the wizard Merlin says “The best thing for being sad is to learn something. That is the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honor trampled in the sewers of the baser minds. There is only one thing for it then — to learn.” Cultivating curiosity rather than jumping to conclusion stimulates new thoughts that can shape your future in the direction you choose rather than simply reviving old thoughts and behaviors. Getting involved in the learning process can disrupt patterns of anxiety and depression, especially if you are learning about something that excites you. Remember that the main difference between anxiety and excitement is what you are thinking; both share the same physiological process in the body.

Cultivating curiosity in response to a crisis does not mean you ignore your feelings or the possibility of danger. For example, if you experience a major loss, you need to take time to grieve. But you don’t need to take up residence in grief and live there long term. The opportunity that eventually unfolds here is to observe your grieving process and learn how to move it forward. Awareness about yourself and how you operate creates openings to make desired changes in your life. Talking out loud to someone who knows how to listen and who holds your best interests can be a safe and powerful way to facilitate this. It may be hard initially to step outside your comfort zone to do things differently, but as mentioned in the August Tidbit, that first step is an important key to emotional growth.

“In the midst of every crisis lies great opportunity” Albert Einstein

For more on this subject, read the article “When Life Bends the Pattern….” under the Extras heading on this website.

August Tidbit: Managing Emotions

8/6/2025

Have you ever felt like your emotions were running away with you? Your emotions don’t actually control you unless you allow them but unfortunately permission is often given without conscious awareness of what is going on. Recognizing what you are feeling and that you have choices as to how to respond to those feelings is a significant point of power to improve emotional management.

While venting can make you feel better at the time, it can add fuel to the fire and it isn’t helpful if it keeps you anchored in the problem. Express how you feel and then focus on moving forward with solutions, rather than continuing to live in righteous anger. Anger can motivate positive change and there are strategies to increase your ability to manage them. (Book suggestion: The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner)

An important key to emotional growth is stepping outside your comfort zone, best done with small steps. Emotions are energy and if you don’t know how to manage that energy it can feel overwhelming, so going slow and having support is helpful. Mutual emotional support with a partner is documented as important in maintaining healthy relationships. You don’t have to agree with another person, just acknowledge and validate the reality of their feelings for them, and don’t make it be about you. This is not something that most of us were taught but it is something we can learn.

So how do we learn this stuff? Pretty much the same way you learn any language. Emotional fluency comes from skills developed from observation and practice. If you weren’t exposed to it growing up, you probably didn’t learn it, the same way you didn’t learn fluent Russian unless you were exposed to it on a regular basis. If you have some fear or guilt about how you express your feelings, perhaps use those specific feelings as a starting point. Goals might include :
Desensitizing reactivity to situations that trigger strong emotion
Increasing management skills
Decreasing fear and recognizing that so even so-called negative emotions have something to teach us
Increasing confidence: practice, practice, practice and celebrate your successes

Emotions can enrich our lives with color and sensation while providing guidance and opportunities. Allow them to team up with your thoughts and actions rather than struggle against them. Ask for help to broaden your skill base if you need it.

July Tidbit: Balance and Harmony

7/15/2025

The story of the two wolves that live within us emphasizes the choices we have in dealing with opposing elements inside of us. In one version of the story, a young boy is unhappy with himself for fighting with his best friend and goes to his grandfather for advice. Grandfather tells him about the two wolves that live inside everyone. One wolf is kind, truthful, humble, loving and accepting, while the other is angry, mean, vicious, greedy, dishonest, and unconcerned about others. The two wolves frequently fight, and when the boy asks Grandfather who wins, Grandfather answers simply “the one you feed”.

This story appears in multiple cultures and mirrors the more modern concept of soul self versus ego. Our soul self is the part that recognizes connections, experiences compassion and seeks understanding, while the ego is geared towards self survival and self gratification. The soul/ego concept emphasizes that both of these aspects of our nature are necessary, and balance is the key to harmony. When out of balance, the soul self can neglect survival necessities and self care, and the out of balance ego is often the angry wolf, judgmental, greedy and cruel, wanting what it wants regardless of the impact on others or its environment. When the two are able to work together in harmony we can be kind, compassionate, helpful, and take good care of ourselves and our environment, aware of our interdependency.

What the two concepts have in common is the recognition of the need to choose which part to nourish and it can be helpful to ask yourself some questions. What feeds your soul? What makes you feel connected to the earth and to others? What allows you to take care of yourself and feel good about your relationships? And how do you incorporate more of those nourishments into your life? Conversely, what makes you feel out of balance and how do you resolve it to regain your equilibrium? When the little boy in the wolves story felt bad, he could have taken out his pain and frustration in a way that perpetuated more unbalance: he could have punished himself or hurt someone else with his words or actions. He knew Grandfather could help him find his balance so he chose to seek him out. Who do you turn to, or what do you do when feeling out of sorts?

One working definition of spirituality is to be in harmony with yourself and the world around you. That harmony is yours to shape by choosing more of what brings you balance, less of what throws you for a loop. If it gives you nightmares to watch the news or scary movies before bed, stop doing it; choose something else instead that contributes to restful sleep. We cannot totally avoid upsetting situations so have a plan for when one happens. Plans might include calling a trusted friend, taking a walk in nature, exercise, meditation, having a cup of tea. There is a lot of disharmony in the world today, a lot of angry wolves running loose. Don’t allow others' behavior to draw you into a state of unbalance. Nourishing yourself with acts of compassion, forgiveness, honesty, kindness, healthy eating, deep breathing, exercise, and whatever else floats your boat can help you stay centered even when chaos abounds. Perhaps doing so even makes a small contribution to the overall health and balance in the world. I like to think so.

June Tidbit: Habits

6/11/2025

There are three necessary rhythms for life: the drawing of breath, the beat of the heart, and the waves of the brain. The loss of any one of these results in the cessation of life as we know it, but rarely do most of us think about their importance until one of those rhythms starts to falter. Then we identify symptoms (rapid heartbeat, memory loss, difficulty breathing, depression, apnea….) and seek help to rectify the problem, trusting intervention will be in time.

An alternative approach is to pay attention to your rhythms with respect and appreciation on a daily basis, and to make time for their maintenance. Just as you maintain your car, your HVAC systems, or your garden, you require regular attention to function well. And habits, both positive and negative, are a huge part of how we function in the world. Incorporating a new healthy habit into our daily routine can be a challenge as humans tend to gravitate to what is familiar. One frequently successful method is to connect an established habit with a new behavior that we want to become a habit. This is called bridging and an example might be to take 2 deep slow breaths every time you brush your teeth. Or, if you start your day with a hot beverage, perhaps that is a good time to stimulate your brain with conversation or memory games. Think of something you do everyday and bridge it with a healthy habit, even one as simple as drinking a glass of water or elongating your spine.

Another often helpful path to starting healthy habits is to utilize the buddy system. Go to an exercise class or take a walk or play a ball game with a friend or friends. Sometimes it seems easier to keep a commitment to someone else than to ourselves, so use that to your benefit if it works for you. Start small and increase your activity gradually. Maybe your first walk is just to the corner and back. And maybe you do more observing than exercising in your first class. We have to start where we are and let go of judging ourselves, remembering that judgement is one of those Conversations for No Change that inhibits us from achieving our goals.

If there is a particular habit that you wish to stop doing, I like the Alexander Technique approach: inhibit and redirect. As soon as you become aware you are doing the thing you want to stop doing, inhibit it by thinking the word stop, or visualizing a stop sign, or remember the Supremes singing “Stop! In the Name of Love” and then redirect your attention to doing something else. Examples: If you find yourself with chronic discomfort from slumping over your computer keyboard or car steering wheel, as soon as you notice you are slumping, stop and change your posture by reaching upward with the crown of your head while opening your shoulders and stretching your spine. If you find yourself reaching for a highly processed snack, stop and redirect to fresh fruit or nuts. Changing habits usually requires the repetition of small changes over a period of time so release any expectations of immediate results and trust the process.

Habits are repeated and automatic, and often without conscious awareness. They become ingrained with repetitive reinforcement and they shape the directions of our lives. And they belong to you, so assert your ownership. Bringing conscious awareness and choice to our behavior patterns allows us to incorporate new and healthier actions to protect our vital rhythms.

"You don't have to use all of your muscles,
only the ones you want to keep."
The Space Between Us

May Tidbit: Neuroplasticity

5/8/2025

Classic wisdom informs us that everything changes, nothing remains the same. When we look at how this applies to the human brain we are in the arena of neuroplasticity, the flexibility of the brain to learn, to change, to be always in a state of flux. Our experiences continually rewire us to provoke new thoughts, ideas, and perspectives. Ideally we experience mistakes as lessons, and we learn from them, to avoid repeating choices that do not serve us well. Some experiences like love or addiction invade the synapses of the brain like a virus and radically change the way we see the world. And often we see what we expect to see; our neocortex can turn our beliefs into our own virtual reality.

Sometimes an experience from the past inhibits and interferes with our ability to live fully in the present and take advantage of the awesome design of our brain. It might be a past trauma of some sort, or a belief that evolved from experience, and you might remember it, or it might operate just beneath awareness. Either way it happened, and might act as an anchor to a particular belief in an attempt to protect you from future hurt. For example, someone who was ridiculed as being lazy, crazy, bad, or ugly in childhood might act as if it was true as an adult and limit their life accordingly. Our beliefs, conscious or unconscious, shape our abilities. Unless we make a different choice.

Memories held in the cortex strengthen or weaken depending on how often you visit them. If you add an additional memory that accompanies, maybe even contradicts the original belief, things may start to change. One of my teachers successfully used hypnosis to create an alternative experience of birth to enhance mother / daughter relationships that had become estranged. In Drama Therapy sessions we would work to “expand our repertoire” by taking on the role of someone who was courageous, smart, beautiful, happy, or creative, often in another person’s role play. And those qualities would be awakened in ourselves and be available to call upon when needed. When I first began speaking in front of large audiences I learned to act as if I was confident and relaxed, and after a while, I really was confident and relaxed. It became part of my accessible repertoire and I could call up those feelings and thoughts when I chose.

We can’t go back and change what happened in the past, but the neuroplasticity of the brain gives us the ability to start where we are and change how that past affects us today. Choose what you tell yourself about what is happening or what has happened. When your thoughts stray to negative thoughts or memories, stop them and redirect to something more positive. The brain, like our muscles, can atrophy when not used and needs constructive exercise to stay strong. Encourage your brain to stretch and grow with a variety of stimulation that might include conversations, taking a class, games, reading, learning a language, affirmations, walking in nature, anything that makes you actually think or smile.

“Of all of the ways we get programmed, it is our self-talk that plays the single most important role in the programming of the brain. If you have the wrong self-talk, your life will be a struggle, and cannot work well. If you use the right self-talk, you will wire your brain in the best possible way—and the results will show in your life.”
― Shad Helmstetter, The Power of Neuroplasticity

April Tidbit: Responsibility

4/15/2025

How do you cope when someone you love is doing something that you believe is not in their best interest? Maybe they are drinking too much, not taking care of themselves very well, or just not doing something the way you think they should. Out of concern for their well being you want to tell them but sometimes you hold your tongue out of fear they will get angry at you. If you hold your tongue and fret about the situation for long enough you may find yourself caught in the “puking buzzard” syndrome, where everything comes blurting out with more force than you even knew was there and you evoke the the very anger that you feared.

Recently I quoted Jerry Garcia “You ain’t gonna learn what you don’t want to know”. Generally, people don’t want to know they are wrong, so confronting behavior with criticism usually does not go well. Because we learn by engaging with information in ways that allow the content to enter our thought process, it is important to make that connection before providing information. Listening for understanding can help make connection so you can communicate your concerns in a compassionate way. It might sound something like this: "I want us to understand each other and make good choices. Please explain to me how you see this situation and I’ll really listen and take a few minutes to try on your perspective without judging it. Then I’d like to talk about my perspective and maybe you can look at it from my point of view for a few minutes. Even if we don’t agree on a resolution, at least we can better understand each other.”

Perhaps the best outcome is that you will each influence the other’s thinking. Sometimes all we can do is plant seeds and pray for them to grow. Remember that you are not in charge of the outcome, only your own actions. It is important to acknowledge that you are not responsible for another adult's behavior and you cannot make them change it. You can invite them to think about it and tell them how you feel, but you need to be willing to let go of thinking you know best and that you are in charge, for both of your sakes. If another person’s behavior is causing you problems, focus on your own behavior and your choices, and get support for yourself. Some choices are really hard and we do not always see the big picture. If this is a pattern for you perhaps look at what is going on with you that you feel the need to try to fix others. Being responsible is about your “ability to respond” and feelings of powerlessness can make us want to try to manipulate others, often damaging our relationships and causing harm to everyone involved. Just as the spouse who makes excuses to protect their alcoholic partner simply prolongs the drinking, it is not in another’s best interest for us to bail them out and allow them to avoid the consequences of their behavior.

The image of a butterfly struggling to break out of its cocoon symbolizes the importance of dealing with challenges to grow and develop strength. If we assist it in getting free, we interfere with its process of strengthening its wings and the butterfly may not have strong enough wings to fly. It might actually die because we tried to help it. Learning when to let go or stand back informs about the relationship between actions and consequences and it is an ongoing process for us all. In his book “How can I help?”, Ram Dass refers to the desire to help as "a timeless inquiry of the heart”. By all means, let us help each other, but let the focus be on building strengths than attempting to fix or compensate for perceived weakness.

March Tidbit: Appreciation

3/9/2025

A friend once told me she saw people as being in one of two categories: those who were appreciative of what was in their life and those who felt like they never had enough. The "never enoughers” as she called them, were always seeking more, no matter how much they already had. They were like hungry ghosts, greedy to get more money, more power, more sex, more of everything, and the sad part was that they were never satisfied. They ate more than was good for them, had affairs that damaged their relationships, bought stuff they did not need, and traveled the world to trying to fill an internal void. Some built huge corporations, started wars, and looked for ways to fill their pockets without regard for others or the environment. She believed that what created their void was really irrelevant, that the why didn’t matter. What was important was how it operated and how the person thought and felt and acted so that small changes could open paths that might lead to satisfaction.

Our consumer society feeds the “never enough” syndrome. Media bombards us with advertisements for the latest products, new cars, fast food, travel adventures, and new medications to make us feel better. We are mightily encouraged to think that happiness comes from external purchases rather than any inner awareness or connection, so it can be challenging to change this pattern of thought. One effective way to begin that change is with the practice of gratitude. And, as with any new practice, it can be helpful to start small, so perhaps once a day think of something that truly enhances your life, maybe even write it down and start a list. As your list grows, take a few minutes daily to unplug from the media and review your inner thoughts about the blessings you already have. Appreciate simple things as well as complicated ones: a flower, the beauty of sunrise and sunset, the caress of a breeze, your home, your garden, a tree, the loving nudge of a beloved pet, special people in your life, your ability to walk, to think, to feel, to see, to hear. The more you open your heart to appreciate what is around you, the more gratitude you will have to share, so pass it on and express your appreciation to other people. Allow it to be a way to nourish yourself and the world. If we had more appreciation and less greed perhaps both our personal world and the larger world would be a cleaner, safer, happier place.