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Conversations For Change

March Tidbit: Who Are You?

3/8/2013

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We all play a variety of roles in life. Child, parent, teacher, student, cook, manager, baseball player, artist, dancer, musician, sibling, gardener, beginner, expert, adult, hero, and victim are just a few of the many possibilities.  Part of our growth and development in the search for our true selves involves taking on roles to see how they fit. This is especially true in the teen years, where young people try on personalities the same way they try on clothes. However, it is a lifelong process to grow ourselves up and discover all the different parts of ourselves that resonate with different roles, for we are a species with diverse aptitudes. 

Sometimes we become so comfortable in a role that we abandon the search for our true self; sometimes we literally abandon self. Other times we find ourselves in a role that we dislike and take steps to change, rebel, or become a martyr. Often we attach to a role for a while and then move on to explore another, keeping the aspects of each role that seem like truth for us as we continue our personal evolution.

When we are in a role, we speak the truth for that part, although it may not be true for us in another role or at another time. Which makes honesty a tenuous thing, changing as we become more and more of who we really are. And where it really gets interesting is in relationships, for that is where our multitudes of roles dance with each other. Similar to a square dance or minuet where partners change as the dance progresses, our different parts interact with our partner's different parts. Recognizing and accepting this process allows for growth and discovery within our relationships.

Some roles are scary with unmanageable components (like rage or addiction), and they become shadows that we alternately explode in or avoid. Getting stuck in a limiting or harmful role can have devastating consequences. Others seem more constant and comfortable, and some roles are called upon in response to a specific situation.  Personal coaching encourages us to explore, transform, and integrate our repertoire of roles so that we can hone our skills and resources to deal with life in all of its permutations. 

Awareness of the importance of roles in your growth process can help you make the choice not to continue to feel guilty for something you did in the past . You were just trying on a pair of shoes. And you liked them well enough to take them home, but after a while you decided that they did not fit so you took them off, and that is what is really important. Whatever it was that you did, if you are not still doing it now you are making amends to yourself. So forgive and play it forward. 

And remember, all the different parts, all the different roles are simply the many facets on the diamond that is you. 


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Weekly Tidbit: Celebrating Personal Diversity

1/6/2010

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We humans are pretty amazing creatures with our continuum of diverse abilities. Our basic nature has the dual essence of physical life and spiritual connection, and the construct of our brain and body allows for a multitude of talents from gymnastics to rocket science and everything in between. We can think, we can feel, we can do, we can be, and most of the time we are engaged in more than one experience at a time.  

Difficulties often occur when we get stuck identifying with one particular component of our being to the neglect of other aspects. One way to look at personal diversity is with the idea that we each have a repertoire of different roles in our lives and that it is of benefit to explore and develop those roles that may be under utilized. Expanding our role repertoire allows us to be all that we can be, to enlarge our capacity for experience. When we become overly identified in one role, it is easy to become lopsided and out of balance in our lives and relationships. The busy professional person who loses connection with family and friends, the parent who over involves with a child to the neglect of self or spouse, the person with a disease that becomes their identity.... these are examples of how we can lose balance and perspective. This is not to say that professional success is undesirable, that involved parenthood is not admirable, or that disease does not require our attention. It is more an issue of balance, of staying connected with all our parts even when we deepen our involvement with one in particular. It often requires us to recognize and challenge the human tendency to engage in "all or nothing" thinking and let go of the idea that any one role can really define us; we are by nature multidimensional. 

At times being locked into one role or one experience does not seem like it is a choice. When chronic pain or a serious disease or a major life change takes us away from living as we know it, it seems that our life can be swallowed whole by that experience. Our thoughts seem stuck and we forget that the pain or disease is only one fraction of who we are, that we can still choose where we aim the light of our attention even though there is a part of us that continually demands the spotlight. To find a moment to be grateful for the kiss of the sun on our cheek, the caress of the breeze in our hair can mitigate the extent of the pain in our neck, whether that pain is physical or emotional. Choosing to find something to feel better about differentiates who you are from the pain that happens to be with you right now. Focusing on something that brings joy actually produces chemical endorphins that act as pain killers. You bring the role of someone who is experiencing joy into the room with the role of the one who has the problem and the dynamics change. 

Honoring our personal diversity can be as simple as stepping outside our usual pattern of action or thought. Do something different, preferably something that brings you to a place of appreciation and joy. Make a list of all the roles you have in your life and notice if there is one that could use some extra attention. Ask for help if you need it. Recognize that you are more than what you do, more than any experience that happened to you, more than your story about who you think you are, more than any limiting belief that you picked up on the journey. Discover other parts of yourself and open yourself to having more love and appreciation for all of you, all of us. 


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    Author

    Charly Hill is a Life Skills Coach and Self Empowerment Teacher.
    She has a MA in counseling and recently retired her California Marriage, Family and Child Therapist license. 

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