A client once told me a story about her family that illustrates one of the bittersweet tendencies of the human mind. Every year her family gathered for Easter and a ham was served for the family dinner. And every year her mother would cut the end off the ham before putting it in the oven to cook. So one Easter, she asked "Mom, why do you always cut the end off the ham before you put it in the oven?" And her mom said, "I don't know, my mother always did it. Go ask her." So she went into the living room and asked her grandmother, who told her, "I don't know, honey, my mother always did it that way.... but come to think of it, it might have been because her pan was too small."
People carry on with behaviors and beliefs that are handed down through the generations, even if they are no longer necessary or helpful. There is sweetness is in the honoring our ancestors, paying tribute, albeit often unconscious, to what they taught us. And there is bitterness in that what we learned in past situations may no longer be true or appropriate today, and some can cause unwanted consequences.
I overheard a woman in a shop telling her friend that she could never lose weight because her mother told her that all the women in her family "had a problem with metabolism", so there was no point for her to even try. Other limiting examples include using guilt or criticism to try to motivate, taking on an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, trying to control others with aggressive behavior, and beliefs along the lines of 'nobody can tell me what to do' or 'not being good enough' that create life long patterns.
We can change the legacies that limit us if we are willing to pay enough attention to really notice them. And then ask ourselves whether we are willing to consciously choose to continue that specific behavior or belief. This is hard to do by yourself without support. When I tell clients that a sure fire way to lose weight is for them to write down everything they eat before they eat it, they are totally agreeable to the task. And it is a really simple task: write down what you are about to eat before you eat it so that you are aware of what you are eating. When I ask about it in our next conversation, they tell me they forgot, or couldn't find a pen, or wrote after they ate instead of before, or did it for one day and then lost their notebook. The experience of paying attention and making conscious choices is very powerful, and it can make the unconscious mind a little nervous. Forgetting is a powerful conversation for no change, as are other forms of denial. And, with attention, they too can become conscious and open to change. It is simple, but not easy, so ask for help if you need it.
People carry on with behaviors and beliefs that are handed down through the generations, even if they are no longer necessary or helpful. There is sweetness is in the honoring our ancestors, paying tribute, albeit often unconscious, to what they taught us. And there is bitterness in that what we learned in past situations may no longer be true or appropriate today, and some can cause unwanted consequences.
I overheard a woman in a shop telling her friend that she could never lose weight because her mother told her that all the women in her family "had a problem with metabolism", so there was no point for her to even try. Other limiting examples include using guilt or criticism to try to motivate, taking on an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, trying to control others with aggressive behavior, and beliefs along the lines of 'nobody can tell me what to do' or 'not being good enough' that create life long patterns.
We can change the legacies that limit us if we are willing to pay enough attention to really notice them. And then ask ourselves whether we are willing to consciously choose to continue that specific behavior or belief. This is hard to do by yourself without support. When I tell clients that a sure fire way to lose weight is for them to write down everything they eat before they eat it, they are totally agreeable to the task. And it is a really simple task: write down what you are about to eat before you eat it so that you are aware of what you are eating. When I ask about it in our next conversation, they tell me they forgot, or couldn't find a pen, or wrote after they ate instead of before, or did it for one day and then lost their notebook. The experience of paying attention and making conscious choices is very powerful, and it can make the unconscious mind a little nervous. Forgetting is a powerful conversation for no change, as are other forms of denial. And, with attention, they too can become conscious and open to change. It is simple, but not easy, so ask for help if you need it.
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