When bad things happen we have three choices: 1) we can let it destroy us, or 2) we could grow and and learn from it and allow it to strengthen us, or 3) we can let it define us and change the shape of our lives in its wake. Winston Churchill was quoted as saying “That which does not kill you makes you stronger”, but in reality often people choose the third option : to allow themselves to be defined by an event, sometimes to the extent of giving up a good life they could have had to live in victimhood: the suffering that comes with living in a place without windows.
So how do we move past something that shakes us to our core and not identify with the experience? How do we allow it to make us stronger without shutting down parts of ourselves? If you cannot change a situation, your most significant place of power is to change how you look at it. Perhaps you might exchange some the beliefs that limit your perspective and joy for some of the following thoughts and questions:
Recognize that everything is impermanent. Everything. You may lose something or someone sooner than you want to, but you will eventually lose everything, and raging against loss only perpetuates the pain. That doesn’t mean you don’t feel the emotions; rather you allow them expression in safe ways and permit them to move through their cycles and transform until you eventually reach acceptance. This can be a very challenging process, so ask for help if you need it.
Crisis offers opportunity for learning and growth. Ask yourself what you can learn from this experience. Is there something you could do different next time a similar situation arises? Take responsibility for your part only and avoid blaming either yourself or others. Does someone need forgiveness? Is it you? Compassion for self and others helps heal wounds and allows for moving on. Keep in mind that people are most often hurtful because they themselves are hurting.
Consider that an open heart cannot be broken. Often after betrayal, people shut their hearts away to try to protect themselves from experiencing more pain. It doesn’t work. You just get to exchange the pain of betrayal for loneliness and resentment that can become permanent. Instead, call up the spiritual loving part of yourself and choose to not interpret other people’s behavior as being about you. Most of the time others' behavior has very little to do with you; it’s their issue and you do not need to take it personally.
Trust that more will be revealed. As with the NYC woman in a taxi in last January’s tidbit, we rarely see the whole picture in the moment. Take a breath, recognize that our vision sees only a small piece of the bigger picture. That flat tire that made you so mad might have saved you from a train wreck down the road. Cultivate curiosity and acceptance instead of demanding things your way and being judgmental or angry if they are not unfolding to match your expectations. Remember the finger holds when emotions get congested.
You shape your life experience with your thoughts. Choose them consciously and work to change those that do not serve you. Be kind to yourself and others; give what you wish to receive more of and shape this year to your choosing.