Our core beliefs design our lives, and when we recognize an underlying pattern we are given the opportunity to become a more conscious creator. Rather than judging, blaming, or trying to "figure out" where it came from, I lean toward questions like "what other choices do I have? " and "how can I make this work better for me?" We all have developed defensive armoring that splits us off from others while appearing to be protecting us from them. These patterns not only cause separation from others, they reinforce a split in ourselves, a distancing from who we really are that sometimes feels like "losing a part of my soul". One way to look at this situation is that we are actually giving away those parts of self in response to an old injury or habit; the good news is that we can stop, we can inhibit this hurtful behavior and chose another path.
An example is the defensive posturing of "Nobody Can Tell Me What To Do". This usually shows up as a paradigm of insistence on being right, having things your way, making your own rules, getting upset when others offer suggestions, preferring to be the boss or working alone, pushing yourself beyond healthy limits, having difficulty living in the moment, a tendency to blame others and make excuses, and being so attached to your own picture of how things are that you cannot take in new information. In their book, 'Body, Self, and Soul', Jack Rosenberg and Marjorie Rand note that the person who lives in this defensive character style will often "be very sensitive to being told who you are or what you are feeling and may interpret any comment as critical or controlling", thus affecting their ability to have intimate relationships. "Nobody Can Tell Me What To Do, Not Even Myself" is another variation of this scenario, resulting in a relationship with oneself that is challenged with self criticism, self abuse, addiction, and not being able to stay with personal goals like regular exercise or losing weight. These defensive styles and others such as "Never Enough", "Class Clown", or "Super Hero", likely developed in response to any number of childhood situations that interfered with development and inhibited the of integration of self.
The"why" is not as important as the "how to do it different". Change requires the willingness to look at parts of yourself that are so automatic that you usually don't even notice them while they are happening. Let it be okay for you to see these things, to observe them without judging yourself. Once you can do that (and it might take some time) become willing to do little things to interrupt the pattern. For the style of NOCTMWTD, perhaps you might ask someone for advice or direction. Maybe even make a mistake on purpose. Try holding the intention to promptly admit you are wrong when you catch yourself blaming someone else for how you feel. Or take a class where you actually interact with people and are not in charge. Develop a plan to begin to shift your behavior and talk about it with someone you trust.
Whatever your defensive style, practice compassion; we all have issues and you don't have to struggle with them alone. Use the tools you have acquired to inhibit limiting behavior and beliefs: meditate, take some deep breaths, tap, seek to understand rather than be understood, pay attention to your somatic experience, play the rhubarb game, use JinShin finger holds to facilitate the flow of emotion, stay present, slow down. Take full responsibility and ask "What can I do now to make things better?" And allow yourself to see humor in your behavior without judging it, to laugh at yourself. Oh, silly me, here I am doing this again, ha ha. And when you can change the intensity of your response, begin the process of forgiveness and making amends. If you don't know how to do these things, ask for help to learn how. Your point of power is in your awareness and ability to choose in the moment. Know that simply being aware without judging is in itself is a subtle shift of energy that will lead to other changes.
An example is the defensive posturing of "Nobody Can Tell Me What To Do". This usually shows up as a paradigm of insistence on being right, having things your way, making your own rules, getting upset when others offer suggestions, preferring to be the boss or working alone, pushing yourself beyond healthy limits, having difficulty living in the moment, a tendency to blame others and make excuses, and being so attached to your own picture of how things are that you cannot take in new information. In their book, 'Body, Self, and Soul', Jack Rosenberg and Marjorie Rand note that the person who lives in this defensive character style will often "be very sensitive to being told who you are or what you are feeling and may interpret any comment as critical or controlling", thus affecting their ability to have intimate relationships. "Nobody Can Tell Me What To Do, Not Even Myself" is another variation of this scenario, resulting in a relationship with oneself that is challenged with self criticism, self abuse, addiction, and not being able to stay with personal goals like regular exercise or losing weight. These defensive styles and others such as "Never Enough", "Class Clown", or "Super Hero", likely developed in response to any number of childhood situations that interfered with development and inhibited the of integration of self.
The"why" is not as important as the "how to do it different". Change requires the willingness to look at parts of yourself that are so automatic that you usually don't even notice them while they are happening. Let it be okay for you to see these things, to observe them without judging yourself. Once you can do that (and it might take some time) become willing to do little things to interrupt the pattern. For the style of NOCTMWTD, perhaps you might ask someone for advice or direction. Maybe even make a mistake on purpose. Try holding the intention to promptly admit you are wrong when you catch yourself blaming someone else for how you feel. Or take a class where you actually interact with people and are not in charge. Develop a plan to begin to shift your behavior and talk about it with someone you trust.
Whatever your defensive style, practice compassion; we all have issues and you don't have to struggle with them alone. Use the tools you have acquired to inhibit limiting behavior and beliefs: meditate, take some deep breaths, tap, seek to understand rather than be understood, pay attention to your somatic experience, play the rhubarb game, use JinShin finger holds to facilitate the flow of emotion, stay present, slow down. Take full responsibility and ask "What can I do now to make things better?" And allow yourself to see humor in your behavior without judging it, to laugh at yourself. Oh, silly me, here I am doing this again, ha ha. And when you can change the intensity of your response, begin the process of forgiveness and making amends. If you don't know how to do these things, ask for help to learn how. Your point of power is in your awareness and ability to choose in the moment. Know that simply being aware without judging is in itself is a subtle shift of energy that will lead to other changes.
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