<![CDATA[Conversations For Change

<![CDATA[Conversations For Change - Weekly Tidbits]]>Fri, 27 Apr 2012 07:10:31 -0800Weebly<![CDATA[April Tidbit: Magic and Loss]]>Thu, 26 Apr 2012 05:36:48 -0800http://www.conversationsforchange.com/1/post/2012/04/april-tidbit-magic-and-loss.htmlThere is a bit of magic in everything, and some loss to even things out. - Lou Reed

Reed's observation on magic and loss seems to aptly describe the human experience. When we embrace magic we live with awe and gratitude and appreciation. Whether it is music or nature or human connection, miracles abound when we allow our eyes to see and our senses to encounter joyfully what is around us. And because impermanence is one of the natural laws that rules this existence, things will change, the sun will set, and we will have to let go of today's light in order to receive the next day.

There was a little spa in Cotati, California, in the 1980s where Ram Dass (AKA Richard Alpert) would sometimes hang out and share his perceptions. I was introduced to the concept of letting go of attachment to an outcome, to accept what was instead of insisting on how and what I thought it should be. I can dream, create my reality, work hard to accomplish goals.... and then still have joy even if the results do not resemble my pictured outcome, trusting that the powers that be know better than I.

In this practice of letting go of attachment to outcome and celebrating what is, I seek to learn to let go gracefully. To learn to let go with love, and to appreciate every moment.

What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night.
It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime.
It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunlight
-Crowfoot
]]><![CDATA[March Tidbit: Legacies of Thought]]>Wed, 28 Mar 2012 17:51:00 -0800http://www.conversationsforchange.com/1/post/2012/03/march-tidbit-legacies-of-thought.htmlA client once told me a story about her family that illustrates one of the bittersweet tendencies of the human mind. Every year her family gathered for Easter and a ham was served for the family dinner. And every year her mother would cut the end off the ham before putting it in the oven to cook. So one Easter, she asked "Mom, why do you always cut the end off the ham before you put it in the oven?" And her mom said, "I don't know, my mother always did it. Go ask her." So she went into the living room and asked her grandmother, who told her, "I don't know, honey, my mother always did it that way.... but come to think of it, it might have been because her pan was too small."

People carry on with behaviors and beliefs that are handed down through the generations, even if they are no longer necessary or helpful. There is sweetness is in the honoring our ancestors, paying tribute, albeit often unconscious, to what they taught us. And there is bitterness in that what we learned in past situations may no longer be true or appropriate today, and some can cause unwanted consequences.

I overheard a woman in a shop telling her friend that she could never lose weight because her mother told her that all the women in her family "had a problem with metabolism", so there was no point for her to even try. Other limiting examples include using guilt or criticism to try to motivate, taking on an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, trying to control others with aggressive behavior, and beliefs along the lines of 'nobody can tell me what to do' or 'not being good enough' that create life long patterns.

We can change the legacies that limit us if we are willing to pay enough attention to really notice them. And then ask ourselves whether we are willing to consciously choose to continue that specific behavior or belief. This is hard to do by yourself without support. When I tell clients that a sure fire way to lose weight is for them to write down everything they eat before they eat it, they are totally agreeable to the task. And it is a really simple task: write down what you are about to eat before you eat it so that you are aware of what you are eating. When I ask about it in our next conversation, they tell me they forgot, or couldn't find a pen, or wrote after they ate instead of before, or did it for one day and then lost their notebook. The experience of paying attention and making conscious choices is very powerful, and it can make the unconscious mind a little nervous. Forgetting is a powerful conversation for no change, as are other forms of denial. And, with attention, they too can become conscious and open to change. It is simple, but not easy, so ask for help if you need it.

]]><![CDATA[February Tidbit: Harry the Hit Man]]>Thu, 23 Feb 2012 08:03:17 -0800http://www.conversationsforchange.com/1/post/2012/02/february-tidbit-harry-the-hit-man.htmlMany years ago the governor of a midwestern state was assassinated by a professional hit man named Harry. Despite Harry's years of experience in his field, this particular job led to his arrest and he was sentenced to prison. Several months after his incarceration he received a message from the late governor's wife stating that she was planning to come and see him the following week. Harry had some concerns about this. From the meticulous research he had done on his victim prior to the assassination he knew that the governor and his wife had been happily married, so he was pretty sure she was not coming to wish him well. In keeping with his character and experience, he anticipated that she might try to harm him in some way to avenge her husband's death. He spent many hours trying to figure out how she might attempt her revenge given the security precautions at the prison.

When the appointed day came, Harry considered refusing to see the woman, but his curiosity got the better of him. The visiting area in Harry's prison was set up so that the visitor and the prisoner sat across from each other separated by a protective partition that offered visibility with no physical access. Harry felt relatively safe and decided to see what this visit was about.

The governor's wife was already seated when Harry was led in by the guard. He took his seat and lifted the handset. The woman did the same. She was the first to speak and looking him in the eyes she said, "I have come here today to tell you that God forgives you and I forgive you." Then she hung up the handset and walked away.

Harry was stunned. Of all the potential outcomes of this meeting that he had envisioned, this had not been one of them.

This story is about the impact of the choices we make regarding our burdens of fear, anger, grief, shame and guilt. Forgiveness is not saying that it was okay that something happened; rather it is the acceptance that it did happen and the willingness to let it be in the past rather than live it over and over in the present. The governor's wife recognized that as long she carried hatred and resentment she was harming herself, so she chose to forgive Harry in order to release her anger and get on with her life. She did not do it for Harry; she did it to set herself free.

However, it so happened that shortly after his conversation with the governor's wife there seemed to be some sort of internal shift that occurred in Harry. Whereas prior to that event he had been pretty much concerned with his own self interest (which does seem to be an obvious requirement for his career choice), after his experience with the governor's wife, he became involved in the prison library and eventually was instrumental in setting up an educational program to teach reading and living skills to inmates. So perhaps our personal practice of forgiveness has the power to ripple through the world.

With deep appreciation for Dr. Herschel Lamp's original telling of this tale many years ago. ]]><![CDATA[January Tidbit: The Rules For Being Human]]>Fri, 27 Jan 2012 06:01:23 -0800http://www.conversationsforchange.com/1/post/2012/01/january-tidbit-the-rules-for-being-human.htmlThere are many versions of the "Rules for Being Human". I was introduced to them in 1982 by Ruth Anderson, one of my best teachers, and she and I decided to modify number 10.... just a little. Thirty years later, they have been showing up in recent conversations, as relevant as ever. May they shine a little light for you.

The Rules For Being Human

1.You will receive a body. You may like it or you may hate it, but it is yours to keep for this entire life time.

2.You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called "life."

3.There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error, experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately "work."

4.Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.

5.Learning lessons does not end. There's no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive it means there are lessons to be learned.

6."There" is no better place than "here." When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here."

7.Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something that you love or hate about yourself.

8.What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources that you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.

9.Your answers lie within you. The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen and trust.

10.You will forget all this.... and you will remember.
]]><![CDATA[December Tidbit: Happy Holidays]]>Sat, 17 Dec 2011 19:53:57 -0800http://www.conversationsforchange.com/1/post/2011/12/december-tidbit-happy-holidays.htmlAs the days of December carry us closer towards Christmas, it is good to take a breath and slow down, so the people and things most important to us don't get lost in the hustle. Counting down the days with an advent calender and lighting candles are traditional ways for some to anticipate and savor the coming events. This year I have started what I hope will be a new tradition for me: to mark the remaining days by writing down an appreciation for each day. Today I am grateful for the willingness and knowledge of how to create a mindful holiday experience.

Holidays are about anticipation. Sometimes people anticipate a negative thing and then devote precious energy to watching for it to happen. A better choice is keeping the focus on what brings joy to your season, on what you want to create this holiday. And it is important to remember that we always do have choices. For example, if you think about your holiday "to do" list as a "have to" list ( I have to buy presents, I have to make cookies, I have to call Aunt Tillie) you probably generate additional stress. Notice what happens in your body when you think of 'have to'. Odds are good that your shoulders squeeze in, the head sags down...the situation is driving you rather than the other way around. Instead, can you notice that critical moment when you react out of habit and make a different choice? Even if it is something as simple as to choose to not squeeze your shoulders, to open and relax them, even for a moment. Every time we choose a different response we are blazing new neural pathways in our brain, and beginning to establish new patterns that can create new outcomes.

What other choices can you think of to improve your holiday experience? The simple act of paying attention is powerful. Think about your goal for the day and ask yourself whether your choice at any given moment leads you closer to that goal or further away from it, and make your decisions accordingly. Practicing acceptance of other people and things as they are rather than the way you want them to be can relieve a lot of pressure. Choosing to allow yourself to be human and to take some rest when you need it is another option we sometimes overlook when we get caught up in the holiday. Simply staying mindful of your choices is a great gift to give yourself and your loved ones. The more we focus on what is in right in front of us, the more we might realize what we have.

Wishing for every one a happy holiday season filled with love and light. ]]><![CDATA[November Tidbit: Where You Put Your Attention]]>Mon, 28 Nov 2011 19:34:22 -0800http://www.conversationsforchange.com/1/post/2011/11/november-tidbit-where-you-put-your-attention.htmlA lot of things in life require attention to thrive and grow. We recognize that our children, our friendships, our skills, the garden, our pets all benefit from positive attention. The practice of gratitude is also one of those things that blooms with our consideration, and choosing to focus on appreciation as part of our daily routine can enrich the day and bring good cheer. The holidays are upon us and they offer times of celebration. What if this year we take the time to celebrate what we already have? Here are three questions for contemplation that might help make your holiday adventures more enjoyable this year.

* Who are you grateful for in your life today? What person or persons bring a smile to your face or joy to your heart? Perhaps one of the gifts you give this season could be to let them know how much you value them.

* What is one experience from your childhood that you are thankful for? Was there something that happened that made you stronger or smarter or happier?

* What is something that you use every day, perhaps without even noticing it, that makes your life better?

In her book State of Wonder, Ann Patchett cautioned, "Never be so focused on the thing you are looking for that you overlook the thing you find". Sometimes we are so intent on getting what we want or to where we think we should be that we lose awareness of what is around us. This time of year I practice gratitude for the beauty of winter light. The shortness of the autumn day makes it all the more valuable, and sometimes I feel like I don't get enough of the sun. So I choose to make a point of noticing the light, of taking a minute to stop and stand in it, soaking it up and being thankful for the way it spills into the room or dresses my garden with highlight and shadow. And when I do that, it does feel like enough at that moment, and I have brought contentment into my day.

We are at a position in the evolution of our species where we are learning more and more to live with uncertainty. Many of the day to day decisions we make have become so complex that we cannot predict the consequences. Yet, one point of power that we do have is the ability to choose where to direct our thoughts. We often cannot stop intrusive thoughts from popping into our mind, but we can choose to shift the gears and redirect our attention to cultivating gratitude for what we have right now. This day will never come again; use your thoughts to make it a good one. ]]><![CDATA[October Tidbit: Changing the Story]]>Wed, 26 Oct 2011 11:11:07 -0800http://www.conversationsforchange.com/1/post/2011/10/october-tidbit-changing-the-story.htmlSeveral years ago while facilitating a creativity workshop, I asked the participants to decorate a box for a group exercise. One client told me she could not do the assignment because she was not artistically talented. She knew this because a 2nd grade school teacher had told her so, correcting the colors she had used in her drawing of the sky. And for 30 years she did not pick up a colored pencil, or paintbrush or gluepot. By the time she came to my workshop, the belief in her artistic ineptitude had become her truth. When she finally broke the mental constraint and set herself free, she was able to create a beautifully decorated box... and know more about her self.

We all have ideas about ourselves that are founded in the opinions of other. If a significant person tells you often enough that you are "lazy, crazy, bad, or ugly" odds are good that you will come to believe it. Especially if it is something you are repeatedly exposed to in your childhood when the doorways to the unconscious are more open and malleable. Whether or not it is grounded in truth is irrelevant, for once you come to believe and act as if it is true, it continues to manifest as your reality.

Sometimes we have beliefs that are the result of a conclusion we made from an experience that we might not have interpreted correctly. Perhaps you failed at something, say hitting a softball. And because some ill behaved yahoos laughed, you decided that you were clumsy and would never be good at sports. So the more you thought about not being good at sport the more you missed the ball, the more they laughed, the more convinced you became, and the more 'true' that story became, eventually becoming part of your operating system.

Once a belief is established in the unconscious mind and becomes part of the operating system that runs your programs, it can be challenging to change it. Hypnosis and the energy psychologies can open direct contact with the unconscious and have demonstrated good success in rewriting limiting beliefs. The practice of mindfulness and somatic awareness can also open access to the unconscious and effect significant change. Whatever path you choose, think about what would happen if you released the misinformation that the world has told you about yourself and changed your story. How would your life be different? Perhaps you would find yourself to be artistic, graceful, brilliant, happy and talented in ways you have not yet imagined.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from out fear our presence automatically liberates others." Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love

]]><![CDATA[September Tidbit: Stress Management]]>Sun, 25 Sep 2011 12:35:41 -0800http://www.conversationsforchange.com/1/post/2011/09/september-tidbit-stress-management.htmlMaintaining your poise during stressful times is sometimes referred to as 'grace under fire'. Dictionary definitions of grace include 'elegant movement', 'courteous goodwill', 'a talent or blessing', and 'a short prayer of thanks'. For me, grace is a composite of all those concepts and as such involves all of our parts. Our physical, mental and emotional selves continually interface and we can begin with any aspect to strengthen our ability to manage stress with grace.

Recognize that you can have your vulnerability as long as you have your support. All the support in the world can be available and we need to allow it to be there for us. Starting with the body can help us open to other kinds of support, so notice how the ground beneath you supports your feet. Walk barefoot on the earth and feel the sand or grass, allowing the energy from the earth to travel up and through your body. See yourself in relationship to the world around you, knowing that you share breath with every living thing. Cultivate relationships that nourish you, and pick up the phone when you need help or could use some human support. Those of us who learned at an early age to be overly self reliant may resist this; do it anyway.

Become aware of how you constrict or make yourself small, and inhibit that pattern. Unless you are a prey animal hiding behind a rock, this automatic primitive brain response no longer has much benefit in the modern world. In fact, it decreases our breath, limits our ability to think clearly, can invite muscle pain, and pushes us further into a flight or fight survival mode. Most of us don't actually cower behind the furniture, but many do tend to squeeze shoulders in, shorten the spine and narrow the back, often without awareness of doing so. Making yourself small also includes belittling yourself with thoughts and words. Instead, redirect to opening your body, taking a full breath, lengthening and widening along the shoulders and back.

Look to the light. Where is the light in your life? Maybe you can see it in the garden, or shining in your children, or rippling on the ocean surface. What makes you smile, feel good, or be grateful? Spend time there and direct your thoughts to appreciation of what is working in your life rather than narrowing your focus to what is wrong. Use the time that you might otherwise spend worrying and simply notice beliefs that lead you to justify isolation, substance abuse, or self pity. Shine a light and bring them to a place of choice rather than unconscious habit.

Use tools to increase your access to grace. Practice more of what brings you serenity and a sense of connection. Pressure often leads people to cut back on what nourishes them the most, so intentionally increase whatever feeds your engine when you feel stressed. One of my teachers used to say that whatever the problem was, the solution was more yoga. So go to class even when you don't feel like it; pray, meditate, swim, surf, knit, dance, sing, or dig in the dirt more than usual. And acquire some new tools. Energy psychology offers easy to use techniques to reboot and rebalance your inner workings. Learn how to practice the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), or schedule a massage, or a Tapas Acupressure Technique session (TAT). Learn Jin Shin Jitsu finger holds to help facilitate the flow of emotional energy through your body. There are many recources available, so fill your tool box and cultivate the habit of using them.

Stress is part of life and sometimes life is really hard. There will be many times that we are powerless over other people, places and things, but we always have choices about how we manage our attitudes and responses about a situation.

]]><![CDATA[August Tidbit: On the Bus]]>Sat, 27 Aug 2011 08:30:29 -0800http://www.conversationsforchange.com/1/post/2011/08/august-tidbit-on-the-bus.htmlThere is a story about a woman crying on a bus. She sits alone and even though she cries very softly into her handkerchief, the people nearest her begin to take notice of her tears. Gradually, the whole bus grows aware of this woman crying and the atmosphere on the bus changes, becoming silent and respectful. One man from the very back of the bus slowly walks forward and sits next to the woman. He gently puts his arm around her, and sitting quietly without looking at her, he offers the simple comfort of his presence and his arm. The bus continues to move forward in the midday traffic.

People often muse about their purpose here on earth, wondering if there is something they are 'supposed to be doing'. Perhaps our true purpose for being here is to simply offer presence, attention and compassion. Maybe we don't need to be a superhero and take down the person or thing that made another cry, or solve their problem, or fix what is broken. Small acts of loving kindness allow us to be a channel of divine grace and to recognize our interconnectedness, and perhaps even to know more about our true selves.

Elizabeth Gilbert wrote: "It is my understanding that the heath of the planet is affected by the health of every individual on it. As long as even two souls are locked in conflict, the whole of the world is contaminated by it. Similarly, if even one or two souls can be free from discord, they will increase the general health of the whole world, the way a few healthy cells in a body can increase the general health of the body."

Life is short. No matter how long you live, it is probably not going to seem long enough, so you might as well appreciate each other and everything around you while you can. Gift someone with a smile and enjoy your good. Speak kindly to others and to yourself. Choose thoughts and words and actions that promote being well. We are all riding on the bus.

]]><![CDATA[July Tidbit: Letting Go]]>Wed, 27 Jul 2011 19:25:58 -0800http://www.conversationsforchange.com/1/post/2011/07/july-tidbit-letting-go.html
In my Alexander Technique group we were talking about standing upright. The teacher was explaining that uprightness isn't anything that you have to do. It is something that happens when you get out of the way and allow it to occur. Releasing little blockages or holding patterns that have developed over the years frees the body to become upright because that is its natural position. In essence, she was saying that when you let of what you don't need, you will find what you do.

The idea of getting out of your own way so that what is authentic can emerge has been tumbling inside my head for the past several months. Candace Pert, a molecular biologist, wrote about the body being the unconscious mind. Might it not then be true that when we let go of limiting beliefs that more natural posture and movement will also emerge? And when we inhibit the protective holding and gripping constraints that we have accumulated and allow our bodies to open and lengthen, will not more authentic beliefs accompany freer movement?

In his poem The Open Road, Walt Whitman wrote:
"Divesting myself of the holds that would hold me
I inhale great draughts of space,
The east and the west are mine,
and the north and the south are mine.
I am larger, better than I thought,
I did not know I held so much goodness."

Limiting beliefs, mind chatter, repetitive thoughts, and monkey mind are a few of the terms used to describe the mental 'holds that would hold' us, and they frequently operate beneath our conscious awareness. Quieting the mind means letting go of the noise and allowing a new emergence in the stillness. Releasing a habit of unconscious squeezing in the shoulders, or shallow breathing, or gripping in the jaw allows a new freedom of movement. I notice in yoga class that when a student relaxes and releases into a pose they have a much more productive experience than when they try To Do the pose. For many of us, this letting go seems a lot harder than holding onto old patterns. After all, we know what will happen if we continue to do what we have always done. Letting go means we face the unknown.

Perhaps if we become more willing to let go of our holds and embrace life as a flow, we, like Walt Whitman, will find more of our own goodness.

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