There are many versions of the "Rules for Being Human".  I was introduced to them in 1982 by Ruth Anderson, one of my best teachers, and she and I decided to modify number 10.... just a little. Thirty years later, they have been showing up in recent conversations, as relevant as ever. May they shine a little light for you.

 The Rules For Being Human

1.You will receive a body. You may like it or you may hate it, but it is yours to keep for this entire life time.

2.You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called "life."

3.There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error, experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately "work."

4.Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.

5.Learning lessons does not end. There's no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive it means there are lessons to be learned.

6."There" is no better place than "here." When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here."

7.Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something  that you love or hate about yourself.

8.What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources that you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.

9.Your answers lie within you. The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen and trust.

10.You will forget all this.... and you will remember.
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As the days of December carry us closer towards Christmas, it is good to take a breath and slow down, so the people and things most important to us don't get lost in the hustle.  Counting down the days with an advent calender and lighting candles are traditional ways for some to anticipate and savor the coming events. This year I have started what I hope will be a new tradition for me: to mark the remaining days  by writing down an appreciation for each day. Today I am grateful for the willingness and knowledge of how to create a mindful holiday experience.

Holidays are about anticipation. Sometimes people anticipate a negative thing and then devote precious energy to watching for it to happen. A better choice is keeping the focus on what brings joy to your season, on what you want to create this holiday. And it is important to remember that we always do have choices. For example, if you think about your holiday "to do" list as a "have to" list ( I have to buy presents, I have to make cookies, I have to call Aunt Tillie) you probably generate additional stress. Notice what happens in your body when you think of 'have to'.  Odds are good that your shoulders squeeze in, the head sags down...the situation is driving you rather than the other way around. Instead, can you notice that critical moment when you react out of habit and make a different choice? Even if it is something as simple as to choose to not squeeze your shoulders, to open and relax them, even for a moment. Every time we choose a different response we are blazing new neural pathways in our brain, and beginning to establish new patterns that can create new outcomes. 

What other choices can you think of to improve your holiday experience? The simple act of paying attention is powerful. Think about your goal for the day and ask yourself whether your choice at any given moment leads you closer to that goal or further away from it, and make your decisions accordingly. Practicing acceptance of other people and things as they are rather than the way you want them to be can relieve a lot of pressure. Choosing to allow yourself to be human and to take some rest when you need it is another option we sometimes overlook when we get caught up in the holiday. Simply staying mindful of your choices is a great gift to give yourself and your loved ones. The more we focus on what is in right in front of us, the more we might realize what we have. 

Wishing for every one a happy holiday season filled with love and light.
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A lot of things in life require attention to thrive and grow. We recognize that our children, our friendships, our skills, the garden, our pets all benefit from positive attention. The practice of gratitude is also one of those things that blooms with our consideration, and choosing to focus on appreciation as part of our daily routine can enrich the day and bring good cheer. The holidays are upon us and they offer times of celebration. What if this year we take the time to celebrate what we already have? Here are three questions for contemplation that might help make your holiday adventures more enjoyable this year.  

* Who are you grateful for in your life today? What person or persons bring a smile to your face or joy to your heart? Perhaps one of the gifts you give this season could be to let them know how much you value them. 

* What is one experience from your childhood that you are thankful for? Was there something that happened that made you stronger or smarter or happier? 

* What is something that you use every day, perhaps without even noticing it, that makes your life better? 

In her book State of Wonder, Ann Patchett cautioned, "Never be so focused on the thing you are looking for that you overlook the thing you find". Sometimes we are so intent on getting what we want or to where we think we should be that we lose awareness of what is around us. This time of year I practice gratitude for the beauty of winter light. The shortness of the autumn day makes it all the more valuable, and sometimes I feel like I don't get enough of the sun. So I choose to make a point of noticing the light, of taking a minute to stop and stand in it, soaking it up and being thankful for the way it spills into the room or dresses my garden with highlight and shadow. And when I do that, it does feel like enough at that moment, and I have brought contentment into my day.

We are at a position in the evolution of our species where we are learning more and more to live with uncertainty. Many of the day to day decisions we make have become so complex that we cannot predict the consequences. Yet, one point of power that we do have is the ability to choose where to direct our thoughts. We often cannot stop intrusive thoughts from popping into our mind, but we can choose to shift the gears and redirect our attention to cultivating gratitude for what we have right now. This day will never come again; use your thoughts to make it a good one. 
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Several years ago while facilitating a creativity workshop, I asked the participants to decorate a box for a group exercise. One client told me she could not do the assignment because she was not artistically talented. She knew this because a 2nd grade school teacher had told her so, correcting the colors she had used in her drawing of the sky. And for 30 years she did not pick up a colored pencil, or paintbrush or gluepot. By the time she came to my workshop, the belief in her artistic ineptitude had become her truth. When she finally broke the mental constraint and set herself free, she was able to create a beautifully decorated box... and know more about her self.

We all have ideas about ourselves that are founded in the opinions of other. If a significant person tells you often enough that you are "lazy, crazy, bad, or ugly" odds are good that you will come to believe it. Especially if it is something you are repeatedly exposed to in your childhood when the doorways to the unconscious are more open and malleable. Whether or not it is grounded in truth is irrelevant, for once you come to believe and act as if it is true, it continues to manifest as your reality. 

Sometimes we have beliefs that are the result of a conclusion we made from an experience that we might not have interpreted correctly. Perhaps you failed at something, say hitting a softball. And because some ill behaved yahoos laughed, you decided that you were clumsy and would never be good at sports. So the more you thought about not being good at sport the more you missed the ball, the more they laughed, the more convinced you became, and the more 'true' that story became, eventually becoming part of your operating system. 

Once a belief is established in the unconscious mind and becomes part of the operating system that runs your  programs, it can be challenging to change it. Hypnosis and the energy psychologies can open direct contact with the unconscious and have demonstrated good success in rewriting limiting beliefs. The practice of mindfulness and somatic awareness can also open access to the unconscious and effect significant change. Whatever path you choose, think about what would happen if you released the misinformation that the world has told you about yourself and changed your story. How would your life be different? Perhaps you would find yourself to be artistic, graceful, brilliant, happy and talented in ways you have not yet imagined.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from out fear our presence automatically liberates others."      Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love

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Maintaining your poise during stressful times is sometimes referred to as 'grace under fire'. Dictionary definitions of grace include 'elegant movement', 'courteous goodwill', 'a talent or blessing', and 'a short prayer of thanks'. For me, grace is a composite of all those concepts and as such involves all of our parts. Our physical, mental and emotional selves continually interface and we can begin with any aspect to strengthen our ability to manage stress with grace.

Recognize that you can have your vulnerability as long as you have your support. All the support in the world can be available and we need to allow it to be there for us. Starting with the body can help us open to other kinds of support, so notice how the ground beneath you supports your feet. Walk barefoot on the earth and feel the sand or grass, allowing the energy from the earth to travel up and through your body. See yourself in relationship to the world around you, knowing that you share breath with every living thing. Cultivate relationships that nourish you, and pick up the phone when you need help or could use some human support. Those of us who learned at an early age to be overly self reliant may resist this; do it anyway.

Become aware of how you constrict or make yourself small, and inhibit that pattern. Unless you are a prey animal hiding behind a rock, this automatic primitive brain response no longer has much benefit in the modern world. In fact, it decreases our breath, limits our ability to think clearly, can invite muscle pain, and pushes us further into a flight or fight survival mode. Most of us don't actually cower behind the furniture, but many do tend to squeeze shoulders in, shorten the spine and narrow the back, often without awareness of doing so. Making yourself small also includes belittling yourself with thoughts and words. Instead, redirect to opening your body, taking a full breath, lengthening and widening along the shoulders and back.

Look to the light. Where is the light in your life? Maybe you can see it in the garden, or shining in your children, or rippling on the ocean surface. What makes you smile, feel good, or be grateful? Spend time there and direct your thoughts to appreciation of what is working in your life rather than narrowing your focus to what is wrong. Use the time that you might otherwise spend worrying and simply notice beliefs that lead you to justify isolation, substance abuse, or self pity. Shine a light and bring them to a place of choice rather than unconscious habit.

Use tools to increase your access to grace. Practice more of what brings you serenity and a sense of connection. Pressure often leads people to cut back on what nourishes them the most, so intentionally increase whatever feeds your engine when you feel stressed. One of my teachers used to say that whatever the problem was, the solution was more yoga. So go to class even when you don't feel like it; pray, meditate, swim, surf, knit, dance, sing, or dig in the dirt more than usual. And acquire some new tools. Energy psychology offers easy to use techniques to reboot and rebalance your inner workings. Learn how to practice the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), or schedule a massage, or a Tapas Acupressure Technique session (TAT). Learn Jin Shin Jitsu finger holds to help facilitate the flow of emotional energy through your body. There are many recources available, so fill your tool box and cultivate the habit of using them.

Stress is part of life and sometimes life is really hard. There will be many times that we are powerless over other people, places and things, but we always have choices about how we manage our attitudes and responses about a situation.

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There is a story about a woman crying on a bus. She sits alone and even though she cries very softly into her handkerchief, the people nearest her  begin to take notice of her tears. Gradually, the whole bus grows aware of this woman crying and the atmosphere on the bus changes, becoming silent and respectful. One man from the very back of the bus slowly walks forward and sits next to the woman. He gently puts his arm around her, and sitting quietly without looking at her, he offers the simple comfort of his presence and his arm. The bus continues to move forward in the midday traffic. 

People often muse about their purpose here on earth, wondering if there is something they are 'supposed to be doing'. Perhaps our true purpose for being here is to simply offer presence, attention and compassion. Maybe we don't need to be a superhero and take down the person or thing that made another cry, or solve their problem, or fix what is broken. Small acts of loving kindness allow us to be a channel of divine grace and to recognize our interconnectedness, and perhaps even to know more about our true selves. 

Elizabeth Gilbert wrote: "It is my understanding that the heath of the planet is affected by the health of every individual on it. As long as even two souls are locked in conflict, the whole of the world is contaminated by it. Similarly, if even one or two souls can be free from discord, they will increase the general health of the whole world, the way a few healthy cells in a body can increase the general health of the body."  

Life is short. No matter how long you live, it is probably not going to seem long enough, so you might as well appreciate each other and everything around you while you can. Gift someone with a smile and enjoy your good. Speak kindly to others and to yourself.  Choose thoughts and words and actions that promote being well. We are all riding on the bus.


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In my Alexander Technique group we were talking about standing upright. The teacher was explaining that uprightness isn't anything that you have to do. It is something that happens when you get out of the way and allow it to occur. Releasing little blockages or holding patterns that have developed over the years frees the body to become upright because that is its natural position. In essence, she was saying that when you let of what you don't need, you will find what you do. 

The idea of getting out of your own way so that what is authentic can emerge has been tumbling inside my head for the past several months. Candace Pert, a molecular biologist, wrote about the body being the unconscious mind. Might it not then be true that when we let go of limiting beliefs that more natural posture and movement will also emerge? And when we inhibit the protective holding and gripping constraints that we have accumulated and allow our bodies to open and lengthen, will not more authentic beliefs accompany freer movement? 

In his poem The Open Road, Walt Whitman wrote: 
"Divesting myself of the holds that would hold me
I inhale great draughts of space,
The east and the west are mine, 
and the north and the south are mine.
I am larger, better than I thought,
I did not know I held so much goodness."

Limiting beliefs, mind chatter, repetitive thoughts, and monkey mind are a few of the terms used to describe the mental 'holds that would hold' us, and they frequently operate beneath our conscious awareness. Quieting the mind means letting go of the noise and allowing a new emergence in the stillness. Releasing a habit of unconscious squeezing in the shoulders, or shallow breathing, or gripping in the jaw allows a new freedom of movement. I notice in yoga class that when a student relaxes and releases into a pose they have a much more productive experience than when they try To Do the pose. For many of us, this letting go seems a lot harder than holding onto old patterns. After all, we know what will happen if we continue to do what we have always done. Letting go means we face the unknown. 

Perhaps if we become more willing to let go of our holds and embrace life as a flow, we, like Walt Whitman, will find more of our own goodness. 

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There is a scene in Beth Henley's tragicomedy 'Crimes of the Heart' in which one of the characters talks about the suicide of her mother. In her sweet Mississippi accent, with heart rending empathy, Babe says of her mother, "She just had a bad day. A real bad day." The line is delivered in such a way that the audience wants to laugh and cry at the same time. 

We've all had those bad days, when everything seems to fall apart, break down, or otherwise fly into irreparable pieces. When all of our usual coping strategies lead us to 'hit the wall', and overwhelm sets in. Despite our best attempts to make sense of what is going on we just can't. We may find ourselves in a void, a place of fear and confusion, and try to fill it with our old familiar thoughts and emotional memories. Perhaps not helpful, but it is certainly human to feel abandoned, to wonder why this is happening to me.... to try to make the pieces of the present puzzle fit together based on past history. But if we build our present solely upon the past, we only get more of the same.

Carolyn Myss, author and teacher, suggests that the practice of what she calls 'illumination' can serve as an alternative approach that allows for a new outcome. She writes about quieting the reasonable mind that wants answers, and seeking another experience of perception.  In Entering the Castle, she wrote, " Pause and observe with appreciation all the so-called small things of the world around you. Put all of your perceptual senses in slow motion.... say 'I am exactly where I am supposed to be. All is as it should be. The divine is active in every detail. Therefore every detail is serving a divine purpose and influencing my life in this moment.'" And then open your intuitive mind, and breathe, and listen in the silence. 

The root word in 'emergency' is 'emergence', the process of coming into being. The Japanese symbol for 'crisis' is the same used to represent the concept of 'opportunity'. What opportunity might emerge if we take off the constraints of our past overlays of thought and emotion and simply open ourselves, simply surrender to what is with an open heart and mind. We might find deeper connections, and we might not have to be so afraid of the unknown. We might receive divine guidance, we might see things a new way based on mindfulness, appreciation, and grace. 
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Finding our balance in the inherent duality of human nature can be a daunting task. The ego is adhered to the physical body and we need it to remain alive in the earthly realm. The soul self strives to keep our divine portal open, to unveil the connection we have with all that is spirit. Meanwhile, our cognitive left brain wants to figure out how everything works, and the intuitive right brain sometimes simply sighs: 'ah, so it is '. This business of knowing self as a spiritual being in a physical body is not for sissies. 

For me, nature has always assisted in bridging the gaps. Mary Oliver is a poet who writes the translucent realm between humans and animals, so her vision of the natural world in relation to our species is rife with animal imagery. In her poem Wild Geese, she wrote:
"You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves."

How hard it can be for the spiritual seeker to live in the body. What a challenge for the sensationally oriented to embrace spirit. And it is in the integration of these diverse paths that we evolve. Without the ego we would not feed or shelter our body and it would die. If ego grows too large, we lose our sense of connection and become focused on self to the exclusion of others... and we wither. Without our soul self we would not know divine light, beauty, and love. Trying to live solely in either realm is like the turtle refusing to enter the water, the bird unwilling to step upon the earth. Yet we are often caught in feeling bad for getting wet, for not being able to stay always in the air, denying that is our nature to live in both realms.  

We can intentionally choose thoughts and actions to encourage the collaboration of ego and soul self. One practice that proves helpful for me is to cultivate awareness of what is holy in the mundane. When I handle beautiful soft wool before spinning I admire the texture, the luster, the absolute beauty of the integration of light, texture and color, and I am grateful both for the gift and for the perception. In the ocean I can see all life and motion, both the shadow of the moon and the reflection of the sun. Looking at a flower or plant, I remember the miraculous array of the Fibonacci sequence inherent in living things even if I cannot see it. My thoughts can reach for the heavens while my hands and my feet touch the earth. 

"And did you see it, finally, just under the clouds -
A white cross Streaming across the sky, its feet
Like black leaves, its wings Like the stretching light of the river?And did you feel it, in your heart, how it pertained to everything?And have you too finally figured out what beauty is for?
And have you changed your life?"
                                                              Mary Oliver, The Swan
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When I was a little girl I had a suspension rocking horse that I could ride for hours on end. He had a long mane, and I would wrap my fingers in it and ride back and forth until all my troubles were gone. The rocking motion was so soothing, so delightful; and I would slip into a trance reality where all was well in my world. The times that I spent on my rocking horse were some of the happiest in my childhood. 

Children are sometimes smarter than adults. In addition to seeking comfort in rocking motions, most kids go through a phase of finding solace by sucking on one or more fingers, a habit that parents often try to discourage before the child matures enough to develop alternate coping skills. Most often it is the thumb, or the index and middle finger together. These fingers are believed to represent worry, fear and anger according to the Japanese healing art of Jin Shin Jitsu, which encourages holding these fingers to help the energy flow when it is stuck.  

Life is challenging and we all need ways to sooth ourselves. A lack of healthy ways often leads to taking on behaviors that appear soothing in the moment, but often have long term negative consequences. Many of us have used alcohol or drugs or shopping or gambling to ease our way out of troubling feelings only to find we created additional problems. So how do we take care of ourselves in healthy ways; how do we soothe our troubled minds? 

Repetitive motion, gentle touch, and harmonic vibrations of sound and energy tend to invite a sense of well being and allow us to feel connected to something outside ourselves. Walking on the beach, listening to water fall in nature or in a fountain, yoga, planting a garden, riding a horse, massage, swing chairs and hammocks, knitting, weaving, dancing, drumming, and other similar activities evoke a sense of surrender to the moment, a letting go of intrusive thoughts that allows us to find our inner harmony in collaboration with external vibration.   

I recently took up spinning wool and discovered that it has a much the same effect as my old rocking horse escapades. It puts me in a relaxed, meditative state of mind that leaves me feeling peaceful and refreshed. Mahamata Gandhi was a strong proponent of spinning fiber. He encouraged the people of India to spin cotton, both as a source of economic independence and as a pathway towards both inner and world peace. 

While spinning fiber may not be your thing, look around for an activity or place that invites you to feel peaceful, connected, content, soothed. In a way it is like rebooting your computer, resetting your operational programs to optimal functioning. Make room in your life to soothe yourself and provide comfort on a regular basis and you may find yourself smiling more often. 
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