"Sometimes we find ourselves walking through our lives blindfolded, and we try to deny that we're the ones who securely tied the knot." Jodi  Picoult, in her novel Handle With Care

As an experiment, try this: Think about something that worries you. Go ahead and worry about it. Be deeply concerned with what is wrong or what could go wrong. Notice how your body responds to those thoughts. What sensations are your aware of in your physical body? How do you feel emotionally? Now think about the same issue from a perspective of curiosity. Isn't this interesting? I wonder how it will resolve. How does this all fit together and what can I learn from it?  Then notice how your body feels. Notice your emotions. What might be the short term impact of each of these attitudes on your decisions for the situation? What might be the result of living long term in either position?

Recognizing the extent that we create our reality with our thoughts is a concept that brings up a lot of resistance. Who wants to be told that we are responsible for creating what we see as a problem? It sometimes feels like nonproductive blame or criticism, and that judgement about it generates yet more resistance. "It's not my fault.... I was born this way..... He did it to me." Our excuses diminish our sense of responsibility and also diminish our power as we put the locus of control outside of ourselves.  What if we shift our perspective to look upon each situation as an opportunity we created to learn something valuable that will assist us in creating more of what we want? What if all of our relationships are teaching relationships and we chose each other as fellow student teachers? We could just let go of blame altogether and instead put energy into what we can change about ourselves and our choices about what we think and how we act.

Viewing myself as the co-author of a particular lesson plan rather than victim of someone else's behavior allows me to focus on the potential power of resolution rather than stay mired in the problem. "When you step into the victim position by pointing the finger of blame, you short the circuitry in yourself that allows you to feel the natural organic ecstasy of fully standing in a co-creative position with the universe itself, " wrote Gay Hendricks, psychologist and author of many books on creating consciousness in relationships and in life. When I judge and blame, whether it is myself or someone else, I limit my movement, my freedom. I constrict the focus of my attention. For me, it is often my body that brings this constriction to my attention with stiffness and pain. When I cultivate an attitude of curiosity, of attentive interest and compassionate inquiry, there is an opening that invites positive creation, that encourages new thoughts and possibilities and reminds me of my role as co-creator. 
 
 
One of the things I like about coaching is that it focuses on the different ways people learn and invites the integration of information using an individual's strengths. This can have a huge positive impact on a person's self image especially if they have learned to judge themselves in comparison to how others process information and equate 'different' with 'not good enough'. 

Some years back a teenager was referred to me  because she was in danger of being asked to leave school as the result of  behavioral problems. She was in her third school system and her parents were at a loss as to where she might go if she was unable to matriculate in this one. They reported that she did not do her schoolwork, often did not go to school, and when she did go, she was attitudinal with teachers and frequently got into fights with other students. Therapy was offered to her as a last resort and she was not exactly happy about it, so our initial sessions were about her frustration and despair. Listening to her, it was apparent that she had taken in a lot of criticism and judgement about her abilities and had come to see herself as stupid, hopeless and incompetent. And it was also apparent that she evidenced an extraordinary amount of insight into the relationship dynamics in her friendships and was gifted with compassion and humor. This girl was by no means lacking intelligence, but she surely was having trouble learning in a traditional educational system. She was unable to effectively assimilate information via the printed word or even in a lecture. Written language and one dimensional sound tracks did not compute well in her system, but experiential processes that allowed her to be actively involved in real time interactions showed her to be very bright. As we continued to explore a more kinesthetic approach to learning, she began to shift her perception and think that maybe she was smart and had viable skills. The tone and pace of our sessions changed dramatically as she developed a framework to make sense of her academic struggles and became able to ask her teachers for what she needed at school to facilitate her comprehension. She graduated high school and went on to make a successful career for herself in a field that optimized her skill base. Her biggest challenge had been to learn how she learned. 

Human intelligence manifests in a myriad of ways. We commonly think of left brain logical cognition and right brain emotional processes; those categories are simplistic and possibly not even really accurate. In addition to (or perhaps resultant from) the different physiological and biochemical components of intelligence, there are also huge differences in orientation. Some of us are visually oriented, and often project our own vision onto external reality. And then get disappointed with another doesn't get the same picture. Some people literally think in pictures rather than words. Others are primarily attuned to sound and audio responses. Intuitive and intellectual, they sometimes hear their own inner dialogue louder than external conversations, and are often interpretive and analytic. Kinesthetically oriented people are natural discoverers and learn by doing; they may tend to be overly compassionate with others and dubious of a logical approach. Digital style people lean towards being rational and logical, often scholarly and brilliant, but their heart connection may not be easily accessible. Each orientation is accompanied by both assets and challenges. Picture a digitally oriented father lecturing to a kinesthetically oriented teenage daughter and you can get how easy it is to hit roadblocks in communicating with someone whose style is not the same as yours. When we are able to understand our own learning style, and then how it interfaces with that of someone else, we improve our abilities to communicate, to get our needs met, and to create more of what we want in this life. 




 
 
Marrianne Williamson in her book, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles, writes about accepting people as they are. "In the holy relationship, we don't seek to change someone, but rather to see how beautiful they already are. Our prayer becomes 'Dear God, take the scales from in front of my eyes. Help me to see my brother's beauty.' It is our failure to accept people exactly as they are that gives us pain in relationship."

One would think it might be easier to accept something than to expend effort to change it, but that does not seem to be the case in most of our relationships. Why do we want others to be and act a certain way? And what creates our expectations about how they should be? Ego often oversteps its role of differentiation and says: I know what is needed in this situation. I know how others should act. I want them to do what I want them to do because it is the right way to do it. It suits my purposes. And if they act the way I want them to I don't have to  deal with my own emotional response patterns, my own fear, loneliness, or anger. Many of these conversations (and others about safety, familiarity, duty, and security) are beneath our conscious awareness and are more potent for being so. 

It was in the rooms of Alanon that I first recognized how much easier it was for me to focus on someone else's issues than to look at my own. Putting my attention on others gave me the illusion of being right and powerful, or conversely, the self pitying comfort of being a victim. And the key word there is 'illusion', because trying to control or change others is very much like spitting against the wind. Change is an inside job and putting all our energy into to trying to do it outside of ourselves distracts us from our true point of power: our ability to interface with divine forces and change and grow into our full potential as a spiritual being in a physical body.

"It is not for you to judge the journey of another's soul.  It is for you to decide who YOU are, not who another has been or has failed to be."                    Neale Donald Walsch in Conversations With God, Book Two.

I have heard spiritual progress described as a detoxification process: things need to come up before they can be released. A holy relationship is one that grants a safe place to be who we are, to allow our stuff come up and our dark places be seen, knowing we will not be judged, but instead offered compassion and forgiveness. And without the distraction of degradation we are able to learn to change what we can change ... ourselves. Part of that healing change is in response to the supportive environment, and the internalization of that experience leads us to  practice love and forgiveness with ourselves and others. We come to understand relationship as a context for healing through mutual forgiveness. A significant aspect of that healing process is the recognition and appreciation of the divine spark that is in all of us, linking us together as one. 

 
 

Our breath provides an apt metaphor for how we live in the world. As we inhale we take in what we need to nourish us and as we exhale we release what has been used up. In and out; it is a natural flow that is controlled by both parts of our brain, conscious and unconscious. Its rhythm reflects our emotional states and its actions mirror our day to day activities of receiving what is new and letting go of what is done. 

Death, economic loss, going to sleep, children growing up and away, relaxation, healing, hurricanes, falling it love.... these are but a few of the lessons in letting go that come with our earthly life. Some are exhilarating experiences. I remember a theatre exercise during college where I was asked to dive off a platform into the outstretched arms of the rest of the cast. Fear initially paralyzed my ability to jump, but when I finally let it go and flew through the air, my first thought after landing was that it was the most amazing thing I had ever done and I wanted to do it again. Other times 'letting go' experiences can feel devastating, with the only visible bright side being how we are able to draw together to support each other, as a tragic death in our town recently demonstrated. And some of our struggles with letting go simply and quietly erode the quality of our life; if we cannot let go our thoughts of the day, restful sleep eludes us. 

If the exhale is such a natural thing, why is it so hard to let go? I suspect it is all fear based; holding our breath is a pretty common response when we are scared. Perhaps it is the fear of not knowing what will happen that drives us to hold onto what it is we think we do know, even if it is not a positive thing. Perhaps it is not trusting that we will be able to handle the next new thing that makes us cling to what is familiar, even when we have outgrown it. Perhaps it is simply not recognizing what we need to do and how to do it. The act of releasing is not always an automatic event, especially if some consensual belief has interfered either consciously or beneath our awareness. Surrender can take the shape of a three part process that includes first the awareness that I need to let go, making the decision to let go, and then taking the actions necessary to manifest the surrender. And sometimes we finally let go only to grab it back again, needing to repeat the process over and over until we eventually relinquish our fear and relax our grip.

There is a teaching story about a monkey who was delighted to find a huge jar of nuts during one of his excursions. He reached his hand into the jar and grabbed the tasty morsels, but was alarmed to discover that his fist full of nuts was too big to come out of the opening of the jar. As hard as he pulled, he could not get free and his unwillingness to release his prize in order to escape led to his capture. 

Letting go is perhaps the most difficult thing we do. Did you know that some asthmatics experience breath impairment not because they cannot inhale, but because they cannot let go of enough of the old breath to allow room for new air to come in? As with our breath, releasing and letting go makes room for the new in our lives. 

 
 
Last night I listened to a speaker who shared his technique for dealing with someone who was upset or angry. His approach was very simple; he would silently pay attention to the person while thinking  "I am here for you." He told his audience that he would just repeat that unspoken phrase in his mind and that the responses he got were pretty consistent. People would rant and rave and then lose steam and then come around to a reasonable perspective of their own accord, often with an apology for their spew.

I was reminded how powerful is the position of 'no resistance', to simply accept. Too often our excuses, the 'automatic no', or our need to be right put us in a position of conflict and struggle. There seems to be a part of human nature that argues, questions, insists on things being a certain way right now. To surrender our need to control is actually an empowering move. Many of the martial arts follow this precept. Twelve Step recovery programs practice the principle of 'surrender to win'. Mahatma Ghandi and Martin Luther King brought about significant social change using non resistance. By surrendering to the reality of what is, we become free to flow in the experience without creating discord and can make choices that lead to positive outcomes. 

If one of the most powerful components of positive change is the letting go of resistance, learning to become aware of how you resist is important especially since much of it is unconscious. Abraham Hicks suggest that our emotions can help us be aware of when we are resisting. When we are feeling bad, that is a good indicator that we are 'pushing against' something. And "..... when you are laughing, when you are applauding, when you are joyous, when you are feeling that feeling of appreciation pulsing through you, in those times, there is no resistance within you." 

 A wise man said to me the other day, "The capacity for acceptance is inversely proportional to the magnitude of your misery". Letting go of resistance by accepting what is allows more joy into our lives and supports our ability to create what we want, a lovely paradox of becoming powerful by giving up trying to control. The contrast between the emotions of acceptance and those of struggle helps our awareness and can be used to guide our choices.



 
 
Have you ever wanted to change something about your life but found that despite your best intentions you kept on doing the same thing? Maybe you wanted to get more exercise .... or be more loving .... or to change what and how you eat. And somehow you 'forgot' to go to the gym, or reacted instantly to that other person's behavior with anger.... and ate that whole bag of chips.  Change can be really challenging when different parts of us have different agendas, and that is often the case when we find we cannot make desired changes on our own.

Our conscious intention is a small part of our thinking process. The unconscious mind is the power beneath the surface and in many way acts like an auto pilot program. Which is mostly a good thing or we might spend a little too much time every day rethinking how we tie our shoelaces, how to make coffee, where to place our fingers on the piano keys. To take a look at how this process operates, think about learning something that you now do effortlessly, driving a car for example. In the beginning you probably broke it down to small pieces, learned and practiced each part, then put it all together and then when you were ready, let it go into the unconscious so you could focus your conscious attention on looking where you were going while you were driving.  Oh, and then you sold that car and bought a stick shift so you had to bring back to consciousness the 'how to' of stopping and changing gears to add the clutch action, and then it went back to auto pilot mode. Pretty simple stuff, at least when it involves your car.

It gets a little trickier when core beliefs about ourselves that reside in the unconscious are in conflict with our stated intentions. If there are two conversations going at the same time, one arguing for the status quo and the other pushing for change, we can find ourselves at a stalemate. When I decide I want to change my career, but my unconscious mind believes it is not safe to let go of my present job in this economy, I may find myself sabotaging my best efforts by missing deadlines for class enrollment or being late for job interviews. Or if I don't believe I deserve to be prosperous, I may unconsciously create ways to incur debt or to resist receiving the money that comes my way. I may very much want to be in a loving relationship, but if I hold the belief that it is not safe to be vulnerable I may avoid letting anyone close enough or will choose partners who prove me right in my belief that it is not safe. 

It is usually the relationship between the unconscious and conscious minds that needs realignment for us to achieve our desired goals. Two simple and basic ways to do this are 1.) inhibition and redirection approaches and 2.) the energy psychologies. You use inhibition and redirection when you learn how to change from a stick shift car to an automatic one. Cognitive behavioral therapies and stress reduction programs are often based on these principles. It is basically a 'stop that, do this instead' format that uses awareness, consciousness, and action, and often coaching or tutoring helps to make significant progress. Guitar or horseback riding lessons are great examples of how this operates. I've used hypnosis to successfully implement inhibition and redirection approaches in the unconscious, so hypnosis can sometimes be included in this category as well, even though it overlaps with the energy psychologies in many ways. 

The energy psychologies approach change from a different angle and do not require the same level of cognitive involvement and conscious action. The Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) will sometimes bring unconscious beliefs to conscious awareness during the experience of tapping on specific points on the face and upper body, often in an 'ah ha' epiphany. Other times the inner change occurs without conscious awareness that anything has happened. Some methods, like Tappas Acupressure Technique (TAT), work beneath the surface of consciousness, and are therefore especially good for people suffering from the aftereffects of trauma as they do not need to revisit the specific wounds. Psych K, another energy approach, has been described as learning "to rewrite the software of your unconscious mind" and the use of computer analogy is probably a good way to look at the operations of our minds. A special quality of these energy techniques, as with computer software, is that you can learn with specialized training how to do it yourself or you can have a professional 'technician' rewrite the program..... and it works either way. 

This is simply an overview of two approaches to encourage positive changes into your life. There are, of course, many other ways that reorganization occurs, and people have individual preferences as to how they best learn and change.  Bringing your conscious and unconscious minds into a collaborative relationship rather than an oppositional one is a powerful facilitator for creating more of what we want. Making desired changes is easier now with the advent of energy psychologies and they can also be used in conjunction with more traditional approaches. 

 
 

I named my coaching business "Conversations For Change" because I believe it is in our conversations that we hold the keys to how we create our life on a daily basis. We are constantly engaged in conversation with others and with ourselves that promote change or argue for the status quo. Some of our most powerful conversations are inside our heads and many of them occur beneath our conscious awareness as we focus our attention on the activities of the day.

These inner discussions are rooted in our survival beliefs, often fear based, and they serve a purpose. They may transpire as dialogues with your mind playing both roles or simply the reiterating of a story or belief. Many unconscious thoughts are repetitive 'conversations for no change' that strive to maintain stability and security. Or perhaps the illusion of security, according to Helen Keller who said, "Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it.  Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure.  Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing." 

Daring adventure does not necessarily mean sailing around the world or parachuting out of airplanes. It can simply mean thinking new thoughts, trying new behaviors.  A friend wrote me: "Inner life can be quite an adventure...quite a big world in there.  Inner life in the sense of connecting with others, that is, in a heart-to-heart land." Relationships with others are often where our most hidden beliefs and fears manifest, and they can take us on what sometimes feels like Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. A wise therapist once said to me that relationships are the ways in which we work out our own internal conflicts. It can be a daring adventure to really connect with yourself, to look at parts that have been hidden from view that may indeed control the choices you make in your life. The willingness to bring some of those underground conversations to the light of day, to share them with another, allows us to engage in the innovative process of change. It brings conscious intention to unconscious programming, and expedites our ability to let go of beliefs that no longer serve us and to create new conversations for change. 
 
 
Feeling bad about feeling bad usually leads to more feeling bad. These are two separate issues that are often jumbled into one. Feeling bad in response to a physical or emotional wound is a normal response and appropriate for a period of time.  Part of having all of our emotions includes permission to feel bad. We need to acknowledge suffering and we need to allow it to be finite, to be able to differentiate feeling and wallowing. It is not an easy task to determine that fine line, especially for those of us who tend towards "all or nothing" thinking. Pain can easily become all consuming. It can become our identity: I am a person who suffers. And if that is how I see myself, suffering is then something I do well and frequently.

Sometimes people live a huge part of their lives in bad feelings about their pain, and the regret, bitterness, or self pity can become bigger than the original injury. They may identify with the role of victim or martyr or sick person and the self judgement perpetuates the pattern of the experience. When you are in it, it can get confusing and sometimes it is necessary to find someone to help you separate the two. Confusion, by the way, is usually a good thing. It means you are thinking rather than just repeating in your mind what you already think you know. And be aware that "bucking up" or "sucking it in" does not work very well. Trying to just turn off the pain often means that it will go underground and show up in other ways, some of which may be totally unconscious. New body pains, cranky attitudes, accidents, punishment to self or others may result. 

One of my teachers used to say that pain is like ringing telephone, something to get our attention. It is part of our inner guidance system and learning to use our GPS helps us make choices that lead to different outcomes. Often to avoid uncomfortable feelings we blame others, self medicate, or insist that reality should be different from what it is. Sometimes pain indicates that there are things we need to change about what we do in order to change a situation. Diet and exercise in order to improve a health condition is an example of this. Other times we are powerless to directly change a situation other than changing our thoughts about it. "The one thing you can't take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me. The last of one's freedoms is to choose one's attitude in any given circumstance," wrote Viktor Frankl, an Austrian neurologist, psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor.

Whether it is physical pain or emotional pain, you can choose to put your attention on something that you feel better about in order to differentiate 'who you are' from 'the pain that happens to be with you right now'. This does not mean that we deny or minimize the pain, but rather acknowledge that we are more than just the pain and recognize when it is time to move our thoughts in a different direction. If we look at the parts that function well we can put the pain into perspective that allows us to see that there is 'other than pain', that pain is not all of who you are. Being grateful for the parts that work, the parts that don't hurt, creates a good vibration and this better emotional state allows us to move forward. There may be a time when it feels like the pain is all there is and it is challenging to open to an opportunity to be more than our pain. One of my clients in California was a women whose young daughter had been killed. She told me that for the first few weeks there was no part of her that did not hurt, that did not resist and struggle, and that she eventually came to a place where she realized that she needed to surrender to the reality of her loss. That she need to let go of her resistance and simply accept what was. Then the next step became clear to her, and she began to rebuild her life. 

Pain serves a purpose: it invites news ways to look at things and new behaviors, and it confronts our fear of change, our fear of letting go. It can motivate us to be creative or it can invite resignation and despair, and we make that choice whether we do it consciously or unconsciously. The Japanese symbol for crisis is the same as the symbol for opportunity, and painful situations are usually rife with opportunities to learn and grow. Make it paramount to raise your emotional vibration, to seek new perspectives. Practice gratitude for what you can and choose where to shine the light of your attention to minimize the degree of your suffering. You shape your life by your thoughts and your choices; make it more beautiful. 

 
 
I remember a day that I was undergoing a root canal and had planned to use self hypnosis to deal with the pain of the surgery instead of chemical anesthesia. My dentist had become so accustomed to me using hypnosis for minor dental procedures that he assumed I was ready to go before I had put myself in the necessary mental frame. With a mouth full of dental devices and an approaching drill, I felt a moment of "not ready!" panic and then let it go in order to find a place in my body that was pain free and as far away from my mouth as I could get. I intuitively dove as if off a high dive in my mind down to my ankle and observed the operation from that perspective. I knew what was happening, I could hear and feel the vibration of the drill, but I was not "in" the experience of the root canal surgery. I was in the pure "observer" place, away from physical and emotional pain.

This is an interesting example of how our mind creates the reality of our experience. While you may be thinking that you could never have a root canal without anesthesia, I assure you it is possible if (and this is a big if) you were willing to believe that you could do it and took the time to learn the skills. Perhaps the most difficult part is the willingness to suspend our limiting beliefs, especially the ones that are unconscious. Research clearly shows that beliefs affect outcome. What people expect to happen tends to happen, in clinical research and in everyday life. Learning to use this human phenomenon to our advantage and becoming aware of our limiting beliefs allows us to expand our possibilities for change and growth. 

The position of "observer", a place of detached attentiveness, allows us to notice things that might otherwise go unseen because of  emotional reaction or ego or cognitive involvement. There is no judgement, no fear, no ownership, but simply a pure state of awareness. It is a surrender to what is, an allowing of things to be, and allowing them to be okay. I was not actively participating in the experience of the root canal; I had stepped outside the event to have a different experience of the event. This process created an altered reality for me, one with no pain.

In Native American tradition, medicine men often fast in preparation for training experiences because of their belief that you can only take in new information when you are not already full, that fullness is a form of distraction that obscures our ability to observe and learn. And so an exercise to obtain wisdom might be to sit still in a meadow or on a hilltop for a day or two and just notice what goes on around you. We may not be willing (or believe ourselves able) to create the necessary arrangements to sit in a meadow for a day or two. Our lifestyles tend to be very full of distraction and busy-ness that seem to preclude taking that much time "off" to observe. But we can utilize smaller chunks of time and shift our perspective to a place of observation in a way that encourages the practice and can free us from unwanted pain. Next time you are sitting in your car at a railroad crossing or standing in a line, instead of distracting yourself with what is next on your list of things to do or being annoyed at having to wait, use that time to just notice what is around you. Stop thinking for a few moments and just observe, just notice, just breathe. Cultivate this practice at intervals when it is convenient to the situation. Then cultivate it daily, making time for it for a few minutes in your day. For many people, this process of observation serves as a powerful tool to seek wisdom and understanding in order to solve a problem, decrease pain, or gain new awareness. 

 
 
We humans are pretty amazing creatures with our continuum of diverse abilities. Our basic nature has the dual essence of physical life and spiritual connection, and the construct of our brain and body allows for a multitude of talents from gymnastics to rocket science and everything in between. We can think, we can feel, we can do, we can be, and most of the time we are engaged in more than one experience at a time.  

Difficulties often occur when we get stuck identifying with one particular component of our being to the neglect of other aspects. One way to look at personal diversity is with the idea that we each have a repertoire of different roles in our lives and that it is of benefit to explore and develop those roles that may be under utilized. Expanding our role repertoire allows us to be all that we can be, to enlarge our capacity for experience. When we become overly identified in one role, it is easy to become lopsided and out of balance in our lives and relationships. The busy professional person who loses connection with family and friends, the parent who over involves with a child to the neglect of self or spouse, the person with a disease that becomes their identity.... these are examples of how we can lose balance and perspective. This is not to say that professional success is undesirable, that involved parenthood is not admirable, or that disease does not require our attention. It is more an issue of balance, of staying connected with all our parts even when we deepen our involvement with one in particular. It often requires us to recognize and challenge the human tendency to engage in "all or nothing" thinking and let go of the idea that any one role can really define us; we are by nature multidimensional. 

At times being locked into one role or one experience does not seem like it is a choice. When chronic pain or a serious disease or a major life change takes us away from living as we know it, it seems that our life can be swallowed whole by that experience. Our thoughts seem stuck and we forget that the pain or disease is only one fraction of who we are, that we can still choose where we aim the light of our attention even though there is a part of us that continually demands the spotlight. To find a moment to be grateful for the kiss of the sun on our cheek, the caress of the breeze in our hair can mitigate the extent of the pain in our neck, whether that pain is physical or emotional. Choosing to find something to feel better about differentiates who you are from the pain that happens to be with you right now. Focusing on something that brings joy actually produces chemical endorphins that act as pain killers. You bring the role of someone who is experiencing joy into the room with the role of the one who has the problem and the dynamics change. 

Honoring our personal diversity can be as simple as stepping outside our usual pattern of action or thought. Do something different, preferably something that brings you to a place of appreciation and joy. Make a list of all the roles you have in your life and notice if there is one that could use some extra attention. Ask for help if you need it. Recognize that you are more than what you do, more than any experience that happened to you, more than your story about who you think you are, more than any limiting belief that you picked up on the journey. Discover other parts of yourself and open yourself to having more love and appreciation for all of you, all of us.