Blame is about judgement; it assigns fault from a right / wrong paradigm. The Blame Game can become so convoluted that it resembles a three ring circus with clowns pointing giant fingers, lions whipped into submission, jugglers scrambling to be in control. If I blame you, I don't have look at myself or examine my feelings. I could even get righteous about it and seek release for my anger or frustration. And if I blame myself, I can tell myself I'm not good enough and indulge in self recrimination, much the way monks of old would self flagellate to show remorse for sin. Either way, I can reenact old familiar patterns of thought and behavior and avoid dealing with real growth and change. Before you come to the conclusion that I am judging blame as worthless, it does serve a purpose. It is one of the most powerful conversations for no change, and as we know, change can be scary. Blame really does a great job of helping us avoid looking at painful parts of ourselves, of maintaining the status quo. And a part of us wants that even as we declare we want something better.
To be responsible is to be accountable. One of my clients defined responsibility as the "ability to respond" to help her break free from a pattern of feeling overly responsible for things other people did that were outside her control. Responsibility is simply about action and consequence, and it is always present, even when it is not acknowledged. If we can hold onto that concept, perhaps we can focus with positive intent on our involvement in any scenario. Whenever people showed up in my office struggling with resentments, we always explored what their part was is the situation, giving them power to make change. Giving all the power and responsibility to another simply makes us feel like angry or helpless victims.
Sometimes things go wrong. Objects break, people make mistakes, accidents happen. How do we handle these events? Do we look first to how to improve the situation? Or do we look for someone to blame or direct our anger towards? If blame is our first response, are we just mirroring what we've been taught, or are we coming from a place of self doubt and avoiding our own deeper emotions? Either way, consciously bringing compassion into the picture is one way to sidestep old patterns of blame. Compassion is about empathy and mercy; it is the practice of loving kindness not just to others but also to ourselves. It does not mean we absolve responsibility; it means we mindfully choose to not beat up ourselves or anyone else, and it often requires letting go of ego and ego driven goals in order to recognize our connection with others and be more fully human.
So this brings us to the question of our intention. Do we really want to maintain the status quo or do we want something better? Without blame, whatever happened can become a source of useful information. Whether it was an accident or a mistake or simply bad judgement, it can become an opportunity to learn something, to improve the way things are and to promote positive growth in ourselves and our relationships.
“A man can fail many times, but he isn’t a failure until he begins to blame somebody else.” ~John Burroughs, American author