Blog Posts - Conversations For Change

Conversations For Change

July Tidbit: Spiritual Principles of Reiki

7/16/2019

The Five Spiritual Principles of Reiki

Just for today I shall not worry.
Just for today I shall do my work honestly.
Just for today I will not anger.
Just for today I shall respect and be kind to all beings.
Just for today I will accept my many blessings.

Reiki is a form of energy medicine. Its philosophy posits that all of our action and decisions throughout our lives have created our present circumstances. By accepting that we are responsible for our lives we are centered in our power to create positive and lasting change. When we recognize that we have the power of choice in the present moment, vistas open and we feel hopeful and free to choose. Everything that happens has value; we are all on a journey and even our suffering has meaning.

When energy flow is blocked by illness, injury, or emotional trauma, we may experience internal conflicts and difficulty in dealing with the world. You might argue that we did not choose something really nasty that happened to us. We did however respond to that experience, and our response was built upon our entire history of choices and reactions, and we continue to make choices about how we carry that experience. One common choice is to try to not deal with it, and most of our negative experiences are our own actions coming full circle. Reiki encourages the use of wisdom and love to more easily take responsibility for our lives and restore the smooth flow of energy that allows us to choose healing pathways. The five principles offer simple guidelines as to how to do this on a daily basis.

June Tidbit: Cultivating Self

6/9/2019

In Sanskrit, the word “meditate" translates as "to cultivate self". Much the same way as we prepare a garden plot for cultivation, it is necessary to remove the obstacles that inhibit what we want to grow in ourselves. In our vegetable garden we pull weeds, remove rocks, and amend the soil to foster the growth of our chosen plants. In humans it is old habits, limiting beliefs, and emotional mismanagement that undermine our ability to grow and change.

Just as trying to grow tomatoes in weedy rocky soil does not usually give good results, trying to overlay positive information into an operating system that is full of trash is not very effective. And whether you are working in your vegetable garden or in your own mind, in order to clean things out you need to be able to look at what is there and make good decisions in choosing what stays and what goes.

The power of observation can pave the way for change. To spend time in quiet observation does not require being able to sit in a cross legged position, but it does requires the willingness to allow yourself to become familiar with how you are thinking. This can be a scary business if emotional overwhelm erupts in reaction to your thoughts and causes you to lash out at others or turn shame in on yourself. Common ways to try to avoid dealing with those feelings include staying very busy with doing and/or self medicating. Both of those patterns tends to make the shadow behaviors stronger when they do break loose.

In order to be able to look at what we want to change, it is helpful to call upon a part of ourselves that can see what is going on without having to react to it. That facet of self is often called The Witness, and to look without judging or reacting creates a workspace for positive change. Cultivating the point of view of “isn’t that interesting how I do that" rather than “I’m lazy, crazy, bad or ugly” allows us to observe how we operate, and make decisions about what we want to do differently. If you simply notice the thoughts that come into your mind and let them pass on through, they do not have power over you. They are just thoughts. Witnessing your thoughts without reacting to them can actually generate new neurological pathways in the brain, facilitating new choices in behavior and emotion. And these new choices can be the foundation for healthier relationships, achieving your goals, and finding more fulfillment. To put it simply, perhaps the easiest way to be happy is to stop holding onto thoughts that make you unhappy.

“We are all capable of the most incredible change. We can evolve while still staying true to who we are. We can honor who we’ve been and choose who we want to be next.” Doctor Who

May Tidbit: Trust and Loss

5/19/2019

When people talk or write about loss, it is often about the big losses in life: the death of a loved one, losing a job or home, divorce or estrangement. We all experience lesser losses on a regular basis, and how we deal with loss is crucial to our ability to evolve and enjoy life. It is important to remember that if we resist letting go, we also resist welcoming something new.

The loss of trust in a relationship can be devastating or it can be a basis for growth and change; sometimes in the relationship itself, certainly for the individuals. Two paths manifest after a betrayal: victimhood or resiliency. “What’s wrong with me that I didn’t see this coming, how could they do this to me, it’s not fair” are conversations that lead to feeling powerless and fearful. Recognizing the need for acceptance and forgiveness, practicing self care, and implementing healthy boundaries provides opportunities for building strength and confidence.

I remember hearing family therapist Virginia Satir say that trust is like a basket; what it carries depends on what you put into it. If someone has a history of always being late that is probably not the person you want to ask to pick you up for an important event. But that same person may be totally trustworthy with your checkbook and your house key. If a person has a history of not being truthful, trusting their words may not be a wise choice….. but they might be the first person to step forward in a crisis. Rarely is trust a blanket that covers everything.

The fable of the frog and the scorpion illustrates the importance of awareness of an individual’s nature and the need for wise choices. In one version, a scorpion wants to get to the other side of a river and asks a frog to carry him across. The frog hesitates, saying ‘How do I know you won’t sting me?’ And the scorpion replies that of course he will not sting as they would both drown if he did. So the frog ferries the scorpion on his back and just before they reach the other side, the scorpion stings the frog. As they both are dying, the frog asks the scorpion why he repaid kindness with a death sting. The scorpion replied, “I am a scorpion. It's my nature.” Recognizing and honoring an individual's nature is important in making good choices regarding trust in that relationship.

Rebuilding trust after a betrayal can provide an opportunity for deeper intimacy if both parties are willing to be vulnerable and open with their feelings. Relationships are vital to our quality of life, and challenging times that offer opportunities for growth and change can help us appreciate good times.

April Tidbit; Staying Present in the Shadows

4/15/2019

We live in a culture that tries almost anything to avoid feeling bad. We distract and medicate ourselves, often to the point of addiction or self injury, in an attempt to distance ourselves from pain that might actually provide growth and change. When we feel bad, we drink, or take a pill so we don’t cry. Or we stay so busy we don’t have time to feel anything but tired. Or maybe we buy a new car, or throw ourself into a love affair. Many of us have developed intricate coping strategies to avoid feeling grief or fear or sadness. Buddhist teacher Pema Chodron suggest that these strategies often compromise the enlightenment and growth we seek. She recently wrote "The journey of awakening happens just at the place where we can’t get comfortable. Opening to discomfort is the basis of transmuting our so-called “negative” feelings. We somehow want to get rid of our uncomfortable feelings either by justifying them or by squelching them, but it turns out that this is like throwing the baby out with the bath water. According to the teachings of vajrayana, or tantric, Buddhism, our wisdom and our confusion are so interwoven that it doesn’t work to just throw things out. By trying to get rid of “negativity,” by trying to eradicate it, by putting it into a column labelled “bad,” we are throwing away our wisdom as well, because everything in us is creative energy—particularly our strong emotions. They are filled with life-force."

She is not suggesting that we wallow in negativity but rather to fully embrace being human and staying present with what life has to offer. "If we just try to get rid of negative feelings, we don’t realize that those feelings are our wisdom. The transmutation comes from the willingness to hold our seat with the feeling, to let the words go, to let the justification go.” In other words, to allow the lesson of the experience to reveal itself, and recognize that everything “offers awakening”. She further suggests that this is important to coming to know yourself in a spiritual rather than egotistical way. If we justify, rationalize, self medicate or distract, we are throwing up walls to avoid feeling discomfort and trying to deny the duality of life. We are labeling feelings as good and bad and creating distance between ourselves and others, fixating on doing instead of being, and preventing ourselves from knowing who we truly are. Making friends with ourselves means accepting all of who we are, even the shadow sides of self that make us feel uncomfortable, for that is in those shadows where true change can manifest.

“...by beginning to look so clearly and so honestly at ourselves—at our emotions, at our thoughts, at who we really are—we begin to dissolve the walls that separate us from others. ….These walls come from our fear of knowing parts of ourselves.” So the next time you feel an uncomfortable emotion, try sitting with it for a moment before you evoke your coping strategy to make it go away. (Of course, there are lessons in simply recognizing your coping strategies :) The next time, maybe sit for two moments, then three. This type of meditation may prove very uncomfortable, so it might be helpful to remind yourself it is "at the place where we can’t get comfortable” that real awakening begins.

March Tidbit: Imagination

3/12/2019

"Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited to all we now know and understand, while imagination embraces the entire world, and all there will ever be to know and understand." Albert Einstein

As a child Einstein was often chastised in school for ‘daydreaming’. He was not very good at staying inside the mental boxes of his time and often indulged in experimental thoughts. At age 16 he wondered what it would be like to ride a moving light wave at a constant speed like a surf board; these were his beginning notions on relativity. His imaginative thought experiments led to some of the most profound concepts of our time.

It is believed that the philosopher, poet and composer Nietsche wandered alone in nature for hour ruminating on his ideas. Darwin, Leonardo Da Vinci, and Steve Jobs are also known daydreamers. Isn’t it interesting that behavior labeled as non-productive by society has often proved to be radically productive and fruitful? If we are overly focused on measurable outputs, rote memorization of facts and figures, staying busy, getting things done, and living up to expectations, we may be depriving ourselves of opportunities to explore, create and grow in ways nurtured by the freedom of imagination.

Set aside some time to dream, to let go of linear thinking and free your imagination to wander and discover. Even a few minutes a day can open a window for thoughts to fly into your mind and start your creative juices to flow.

"This world is but canvas to our imaginations." Henry David Thoreau

February Tidbit: Gratitudes

2/20/2019

I am so grateful to be back in Florida. Most mornings I walk the beach, bathed in the natural beauty of the sky, the ocean, and the music of the birds. I’m grateful to breathe the morning air, misty and sometimes tangy with the smell of the sea. Life abounds, the ospreys fish the surf, and my crazy little dog chases the waves and barks at the ocean. Gratitude is such an important part of life and I find that nature provides me with so many things to appreciate. The morning sky often takes my breath away; sunrise evokes pure joy. The prehistoric beauty of pelicans in flight and the scampering of plovers on the shore celebrate the bounty of the earth and sea, and I feel my heart open.

Gratitude makes us healthier and happier, increases our sense of connection and well being, and will grow if you feed it. As with any practice, it may take some concentrated effort if you have fallen out of the habit. We all have dark times when we are too busy or caught up in some drama or trauma that brings our focus to loss and grief and negativity. Sometimes we forget that those are the times that we most need gratitude to shore up our resiliency and bring us back into balance. So what do we do when we’ve lost that awareness of the good and beautiful in life? Perhaps nature doesn’t sing to you quite the way she does to me, and you need some different tools.

One way to jump start gratitude is to make a list of everything you can think of to be grateful for and take a few minutes at the start of every day to read it and add to it. If you struggle with coming up with things for your list, think about what you would miss if it were gone. Your eyesight, a loved one, your home, mobility, books, the trees, the breeze, music… and write those down as gratitudes. Say thank you and sit for a moment with whatever feelings of appreciation you can summon.

Remember that action can change thoughts and feelings. Go to a support meeting, call a friend, do yoga, volunteer to help someone in need, pick up trash on the beach or at a park. Pet a friendly animal, sing a song, give someone a compliment, or go for a walk to change the way energy flows through your body. How our energy flows is really what it is about so pay attention to how that works and bring out the tools you need to shift the flow in a more positive direction. If you need more tools, ask for help to acquire them.

Adjusting your expectations and celebrating small steps can add to your wellspring of appreciation. So can being mindfully present. Savor that cup of coffee or hot shower instead of hurrying through or thinking about something else. Human nature seems to want more that we have, which can be a good thing as long as we appreciate what we do have.

“It’s not that happy people are grateful, it’s that grateful people are happier.” – Erik Barker

Suggestions for 2019

1/17/2019

Remember that you are a member of a team (family, friends, co-workers, community, humanity as a whole)
Be collaborative and teachable
Listen with respect, patience and attention
Respond rather than react to the concerns of others and acknowledge what they have said
Strive for understanding rather than proving yourself to be right
When dealing with conflict management, emphasize common goals
Use unifying words like “we” and “our”
Pay attention to your audience and engage with them rather than talk at them
Recognize your limits and find compassionate ways to extend them
Practice the humility of not asking more of yourself than is reasonable while at the same time striving forward with confidence
Know that everything you do has an impact, so make positive contributions
Question your assumptions
Observe your behavior without judgement and make small desired changes when you can
Be what you want more of….. if you want love, be loving; if you want happiness, be happy with what you have

May this be your best year ever.....

December Tidbit: Breaking It Down

12/14/2018

A large goal can be broken down into manageable chunks for swift and easier completion. For many people, there seems to be a part of the brain that resists that idea and would rather just jump right in and do it all now, sometimes without really thinking it through. Other people talk themselves out of even getting started because it seems too hard. When all or nothing thinking predominates large goals can seem overwhelming.

A wise client once told me about an approach that worked for her: 15 minutes at a time of the task at hand. It is easier to think “I can do 15 minutes of this” than to think about having to complete a whole project. Some goals are not time limited, like learning a language or starting an exercise program, and can be achieved by setting aside 15 minutes a day. Other goals that do have a specific timeline, like needing to get the house cleaned before the company comes tonight, can be broken down into 15 minute chunks with short periods of more enjoyable activities between them. Clean for 15 minutes and then get up and stretch, or pet the dog, or go for a quick walk, or dance to one song, or have a cup of tea before the next 15 minutes of cleaning. Set a timer if you find that helpful.

If the 15 minute approach seems too regimented for you, change it to fit your personality. If we take the goal of 'clean the house before company comes', perhaps one room at time, or one task at a time (sweeping or dusting) with breaks between will work better for you. Take a moment to celebrate the completion of each small goal. Experiment with other ways of segmenting larger goals into less intimidating chunks. If you create restorative breaks between segments of work you can often avoid that "uh oh, I overdid it” syndrome the next day.

Breaking goals down into manageable pieces also gives us the opportunity to ask ourselves whether doing this get me closer to where I want to go. At every step we can asses our direction, celebrate our successes, learn from our errors, and make adjustments if needed.

November Tidbit: Choosing

11/14/2018

When events happen in your life, do you you usually react to them or do you take a breath to think about how to respond? While the ability to be spontaneous and allow yourself to uninhibitedly react to the events around you can be a delightful experience to share in close relationships, there are times it can get you into trouble. Thoughtfully choosing how to respond to circumstances can further your goals in building relationships and resolving conflict. Knowing when to do which can be challenging.

I have a dear friend who makes me laugh because we often play off each other with humor and silliness. There is a freedom and release in that exchange that is joyful and spontaneous, and to trust someone enough to feel safe to be your unfettered self in play is very sweet. Though when emotions arise from fear or anger, it may be a different story. I have known couples broken by the exchange of strong uncensored emotions, and have also known couples that are stronger in their bond after a fight that others would find devastating. The latter told me that they are grateful to have the safety with each other to be able to release such feelings so that they keep no hidden resentments, and that it allowed them deep intimacy and trust. We can get information about what works best in various circumstances by observing the impact of our choices on others, and through discussion.

Practice and observation are helpful in order to choose new responses, and at times you may need to vent strong emotion before you can get to the place of making wiser choices, so find a safe place to release those feelings. Since anger is often an indicator that something needs to change, when you feel anger welling up try taking a moment to think about how you can change your response to impact the situation in a more positive direction. “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” wrote Victor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor and author of 'Man’s Search for Meaning’. You could even think about gratitude as a choice in how to respond to events. While that may not be your first thought, if you look at events from a perspective of "what can I learn from this?” you may find it works. Being appreciative of another sharing true thoughts and feelings even when they do not agree with yours can transform a conversation. Or perhaps focusing on something unrelated that brings joy or beauty to your life can open your heart to gratitude, creating more space for a positive change. However you choose to create your desired changes, celebrate your successes with gratitude.

Healing From Old Schemas

10/18/2018

A schema is a cognitive framework or concept that organizes and interprets information. In response to early childhood adversity, schemas can become pervasive patterns of thinking, feeling and behavior that shape our lives long after we leave childhood behind. Someone growing up with an abusive or alcoholic parent, for example, develops a set of core beliefs and behaviors that shape their future relationships. These schemas interfere with new learning and are self maintaining, often so deeply rooted that it may feel as though our very survival depends on them. And likely it was true that at one time our survival did depend on being able to safely navigate dysfunctional waters often with equally dysfunctional responses. Problems occur when we still react as if were still living in that situation today, and continue to recreate familiar but painful circumstances.

Early childhood situations have strong impact on psychosocial development. Neglect, abandonment, physical or mental cruelty, drug or alcohol abuse, or serious illness can trigger emotional and behavioral responses that develop into full blown operating systems when activated. Healing begins when we recognize those patterns and take steps to disengage from the control they exert over us. Acknowledging out loud that once they were helpful and necessary but now no longer serve us is a good starting point. Since judgement is one of the most powerful conversations for no change, not judging yourself or feeling like a bad person for having these patterns is really important. Instead think about how resourceful you were even as a child to find a way to survive your challenging circumstances. And realize that if you want your life to be better you need to be able to look at and talk about those patterns without becoming defensive or shutting down in response to the feelings they evoke.

During times of crisis or transition, these patterns may become more noticeable. Having someone to talk to about the specifics of what you observe and strategies for change will facilitate progress. Keep an open mind and take a break when you find yourself falling into a judgement or blame loop. Letting go of old limiting beliefs and behaviors is a lot like cleaning out your closet and letting go of things that are no longer useful or no longer fit you to make room for new.