Blog Posts - Conversations For Change

Conversations For Change

March Tidbit: The Puking Buzzard Syndrome

3/14/2022

Years ago a coworker described a style of emotional mismanagement that he called “The Puking Buzzard Syndrome”. He said he had observed a behavior pattern where a person would get annoyed about something and swallow their feelings to attempt to avoid conflict. This would continue until the person had swallowed so much anger and was so full of it that they would finally explode and vomit out their feelings, often creating a much larger conflict.

While “The Puking Buzzard Syndrome” name lends humor to this practice, it can be extremely stressful for the enactor as well family and friends. If buried, negative feelings and thoughts can build into a chronic level of anxiety or fester as resentments. While the anger may be periodically directed outward, damage also occurs inside with feelings of guilt or shame about the resultant behavior, stirring up even more charged emotional energy that gets repressed and the cycle continues.

Emotions are energy. Since it is not possible to actually create or destroy energy, the energies of strong emotion need be be transformed into a more manageable experience. Emotion management can be defined as the ability to be aware of and constructively handle both positive and challenging emotions. Ideally we learn this in childhood by mirroring the adults around us. If those adults aren’t able to model good conflict resolution skills and evidence difficulty managing emotions, then that’s our imprint and we need to learn more productive management skills elsewhere. If you Google “emotional management”, you will see a plethora of links for tools and resources. If you struggle with managing anger or depression (or any of your feelings) or you have difficulty maintaining relationships, acquiring new tools can make a huge difference. There are a wide variety of classes, workshops, and therapies that are designed to help us navigate all the emotions that come with being human, giving us strategies to improve both personal and professional relationships as well as our relationship with self.

February Tidbit: Nourishing Relationships

2/14/2022

In honor of Valentine’s day, some ways to think about nourishing relationships:

-- Communicate. Talk about what you want, feel, think, and dream. Practice honesty with kindness and compassion. Express gratitude and appreciation for your other. Acknowledge their talents and offer support with an open mind and heart. Ask questions that deepen your understanding. And create opportunities for such conversations.

— Explore Intimacy. Intimacy (“into me see”) is a shared closeness, a feeling of connection and support. It requires a willingness to let another know who you are, how you think and feel, and it can be a little scary if there are parts of self that we don’t even want to see. Carl Jung used the term “shadow" to describe the parts of our mind that we prefer to be in the dark, and these are the parts that tend to cause problems in our relationships. “Relationships are the ways in which we try to resolve our own internal issues” is how my therapist stated it, and it is helpful to travel those ways with honesty, openness, humor and compassion. Swallowed anger, hidden feelings, secrets, addictions and lies erode feelings of closeness and evoke mistrust and anxiety. Intimacy is a risk; it requires trust. Willingness to know yourself and allowing trust in your abilities and your partner’s gives you a strong base.

-- Listen for understanding, asking questions to clarify rather than making assumptions. The process of intimacy is one of ongoing discovery and it is when we think we already know what someone is thinking that we miss the opportunity to learn more about them and grow closer. Simple responses like “Tell me more” or “What did you mean by that?” can deepen our understanding and connection while opening new channels for improved communication. Avoid judgement; it does not improve the quality of relationships.

-- Take responsibility for self and pay attention to your choices. Regardless of the situation, your point of power is how you respond to it. Let your response be a conscious choice rather than an unconscious reaction. If you find yourself blaming or judging or building resentment, ask yourself “What is my part in this?” and look to how you can change your thoughts or actions in order to better the situation. Choose to forgive mistakes; resentment is a heavy burden.

-- Ask for help if you need it. If you hit a wall, you have choices. Some people choose to run away and likely recreate the same scenario somewhere else while others choose to stay and suffer in martyrdom. You might choose to ask for help, support and direction if you find yourself unable to see a clear path. Know that it's ok to admit you don’t always have the answers.

January Tidbit: Cultivating Neuroplasticity

1/12/2022

Neuroplasticity is the brain's ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections in response to experiences in the world. This process is ongoing and it is what allows us to learn and adapt to new situations as well as to compensate for injury and disease. Our brains, like everything else, are in a constant state of flux, and while many things that happen to us are outside of our control, we can consciously choose to influence how our brains evolve.

Our interactions with the world cause the brain to reorganize synaptic connections. This can provoke new thoughts and ideas, cause significant shifts in behavior, and interfere with or improve our ability to function. Brain reorganization occurs when undamaged nerve fibers grow new nerve endings to connect with neurons that have been damaged. They can also connect with undamaged nerve cells to create entirely new neural pathways that allow a person to accomplish tasks in a different way. This rewiring of neural pathways is especially important in recovery from physical or emotional trauma.

As we age neuroplasticity declines, but it does not stop. New neurons can appear in parts of the brain until the day we die and stimulating our brains can have a significant positive impact on the aging process. The easiest way to nurture neuroplasticity is to choose to open and exercise your mind. Do something new in this new year, especially an activity that offers challenges. Learn a language or any new task, research an interesting subject, read, exercise frequently, make or listen to music, play brain stimulating games, discuss topics that interest you with others. Research indicates that combining physical activity with mental stimulation provides stronger impact on the brain than either alone, so activities such as walking while talking or listening to music or a book, learning to dance, singing or whistling while doing household chores can offer added benefit. It is also helpful to pay attention to your thoughts. Studies have shown that prolonged negative thinking interferes with the brain’s ability to think and remember, and a study by the American Academy of Neurology found a correlation between habitual negative thinking and dementia. Challenging old beliefs and and behaviors, and choosing to look at situations with an open mind can stimulate positive changes in our cognitive function and improve our quality of life regardless of age.

December Tidbit: Floyd and the Miracle

12/13/2021

Of all the tidbits I have written over the years, this is my favorite.The powers of perception and belief shape our lives on a daily basis more than we realize. If you pay attention and open your mind to possibilities this holiday season perhaps you too will experience miracles.

FLOYD AND THE MIRACLE

Many years ago enroute to Mt. Lassen on a horse camping trip with friends, our old truck began to lose power on the steeper sections of the road. The truck, known as Floyd, was soon struggling to keep speed even on the level surfaces and we had no choice but to pull over in a large rest area. Despite our best attempts under the hood, we could not get Floyd to move at other than a snail's pace; no way he could pull a loaded horse trailer to our mountain destination. By this time it was four in the afternoon on a Saturday in mid-summer. The horses were impatient, stamping their hooves. We were hot and tired and dreading the idea of spending the night on the side of the road.

We had a serious need for a mechanic. So I said a little prayer of petition requesting one and set about unloading the horses to make them more comfortable. About fifteen minutes later, a large RV driven by a tiny man accompanied by a very large woman holding a miniature poodle pulls into the turnout. The man climbs down from the cab and hobbles over to us. He asks for help to resolve an argument with his wife. They are lost and she insists they have already passed the town of Chester while he is adamant that they have not. With the help of our map and some loud conversation (he is hard of hearing), we provide the correct information and the man turns and hobbles back towards his RV.

As I watch him amble off, my thoughts return to our situation. Suddenly bells go off in my head and to the surprise of my companions, I race off after the man. As he is a rather slow mover, I catch him before he gets back to his vehicle.
"Excuse me, do you know how to fix a truck?”
"Eh?"
"A truck. Do you know how to fix a truck?"
"What kind of a truck?"
"A Ford." I pointed to Floyd.
"Oh, sure."

Without another word, he slowly makes his way to Floyd, climbs up the front bumper like a monkey and peers into Floyd's malfunctioning depths. Pulling a matchbook cover from his pocket to use as a tool, he does something for about a minute and then jumps down to tell us exactly what was wrong and that his jerry rigging will last until Monday when we can get Floyd to a garage. And then he rejoins his wife and poodle and drives off towards the town of Chester while my friends stand open mouthed in wonder.

The miracle in this story is not that a man stops to ask directions and knows how to repair Floyd. The miracle is that I recognize him as the mechanic I had asked for even though his appearance is not in line with my expectations. He could have come and gone and I might have still been waiting on the side of the road for someone wearing overalls with "Mike" embroidered on the pocket. The miracle is in the perception. And this kind of miracle is available to us every day if we cultivate openness to seeing what is there. As Willa Cather wrote, "Miracles... seem to me to rest not so much upon faces or voices or healing power coming to us for afar, but upon our perceptions being made finer, so that there for a moment our eyes can see and our ears can hear what is there about us always".

November Tidbit: Open Mind

11/17/2021

"To raise new questions, new possibilities, to regard old problems from a new angle, requires creative imagination and marks real advance in science." Albert Einstein.

When I got my first paid job as a counselor, I was 23 years old and fresh out of college where I had majored in Theater Arts and English Literature. I was hired to work in a "partial hospitalization program", also known as a "day treatment program". What I did not know at the time was that it was basically a warehouse for mentally ill people, and patients were not expected to get well or even improve during their time in the program. Coming in unaware of that expectation allowed me to work with patients with enthusiasm and a mind wide open to possibilities, and several of my patients did improve, somewhat to the surprise of supervising psychiatrists. One ex-patient sent me a postcard several years later. He was a young man diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic with 2 suicide attempts and several years of inpatient hospitalization in his history. He wrote to thank me for challenging his negative beliefs and encouraging him to think that he could create what he wanted in his life. He wrote that he had held his current job for 2 years, he had been painting again and had sold several of his paintings, that he had regained custody of his daughters, and he was happy. This was a man who had been on a path to spend the rest of his life institutionalized. As MaryAnne Williamson teaches, “Change your mind, change your life”.

As we enter this holiday season, allow yourself to stay open to the possibility that wondrous things can happen if you let them. Bring that attitude to your gatherings with family and friends. If we expect things to be the way they have always been, we push the outcome in that direction. Ray Bradbury wrote "The best scientist is open to experience and begins with romance - the idea that anything is possible.” What might happen if you believed that?

October Tidbit: Reframing

10/11/2021

"There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so…” Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act 2 Scene 2

For every event in life there are many different points of view. When we look at an event from one angle, we might feel worried and anxious. Seen from a different perspective, all fear might dissipate and an extra moment of happiness be added to our life. While sorrow is a part of being human, life is too is too short to spend unnecessary moments in unpleasant emotion. Reframing our perspective is powerful tool to increase joy.

Some times it is a sense of entitlement that makes us feel bad. Not getting what we want or thinking that we know what is right can block compassion and leave us feeling disconnected from others. Recognizing that not getting what you want might be a good thing can be hard to wrap your brain around. I remember not getting a job that I wanted and being very unhappy. Two months later I was offered a much better job that changed my life for the good. I would not have been available for the better thing had I gotten the thing I wanted. We are often mistaken in our assessment of a situation because we are not able to see the whole picture and the consequences have not yet unfolded.

The bad things that happen can empower us. Failures and mistakes come with lessons that allow us to build towards success, if we are willing to focus our thoughts in that direction and not burden ourselves with critical self talk. Basketball star Michael Jordan credits his failures, his missed baskets and bad plays, as the very reasons for his success. He allowed his mistakes to inform his education and develop his skill.

The next time you experience an annoyance or a problem, a flat tire for example, what if you intentionally reframe your thoughts and choose to wonder what might be the results of being delayed instead of getting worried or angry. Having an attachment to a specific outcome and getting your panties in a twist when it does not come the way you planned can lead to increased stress and impair good decision making. Being curious about the world as it unfolds around us allows us to be more relaxed and fully present, facilitating better choices.

"A healthy perspective really is the foundation of joy and happiness because the way we see the world is the way we experience the world. Changing the way we see the world in turn changes the way we feel and the way we act, which changes the world itself.” from the Book of Joy, conversations with the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu

September Tidbit: Involved Detachment

9/14/2021

The concept of involved detachment as presented by spiritual teacher and author Ram Dass is offered as a path to increase compassion and reduce suffering. It invites us to unhook from attachment to a specific outcome while at the same time remaining fully involved with the process of the journey. This tends to unsettle the ego as it requires the ability to embrace uncertainty, and it is often challenging to distinguish between the voice that is your ego and the actual situation.

Because motivation affects perception, we tend to see what fits in with what we want, and our actions are shaped by our desires. If we are hungry, our focus is toward things to eat; if we are cold we look for ways to get warm. If we push that concept, identification with our desires can lead to everyone and everything being seen as an object to be manipulated for personal gratification. The behavior associated with drug addiction is an example of this, but on a more covert level our attachment to a particular outcome also manifests in our everyday communications. Our need (to be heard, to be right, to get approval, to get our way, to justify our behavior) can obscure our ability to truly hear and be compassionate with another person. There is an expression in the Tao, “Truth waits for eyes unclouded by longing.” If we can find that place in our awareness that is not compromised by our desires we can be more fully present in the exchange with another, experiencing compassion rather than projecting our own needs or wounds upon them.

We all have desires and dreams. Involved detachment suggests that we let go of insisting that we know the right way to manifest those longings by manipulating the externals around us. Instead we allow the path to unfold before us while being present in the moment with open heart and mind. It is still Important to have goals, and the focus is more on what transpires inside us rather than outside. Notice how your thoughts and feelings can tend to lead you down certain repetitive paths, especially when you are trying to protect yourself against imagined fears. When you can, choose a different awareness that allows for more openness and willingness to receive what is available instead of trying to control the outcome. Let it be a process, a question, a swim through uncertain waters, not yet knowing what treasures you may find.

August Tidbit: Your Special Place

8/14/2021

“When anxious, uneasy, and bad thoughts come, I go to the sea,
And the sea drowns them out with its great wide sounds,
Cleanses me with its noise,
And imposes a rhythm upon everything in me,
That is bewildered and confused."
Rainer Maria Rilke

This poem has always resonated with me, for it is to the sea that I go when I feel disquieted. I have always been sensitive to my environment and the ocean is a natural draw for me and I visit frequently to maintain my balance.

Having a place to go that grounds you is similar to rebooting your computer. It gets rid of the debris, restores function to your programs and gives new energy. Places in nature are often chosen: some people go to the mountains, the desert, the woods behind the house. But your special place can be anywhere that allows you to step outside the chaos and noise of both the world and your own mind and be at peace. A quiet room in your home, an altar with items of significance, your back yard or balcony garden; any of these can serve. Sometimes an activity like riding a horse, surfing, yoga, meditation or even swinging in a swing can provide the balance that helps to heal your soul.

In times of stress we often put aside such practices, forgetting that they can help us move through difficult times. When I was a child, there was an old oak tree in a nearby woods that I would climb whenever the world became overwhelming. Perhaps you had a similar place of refuge in your childhood. Think about where your special place might be now, for the world is very much with us these days, Even a few moments of peace and quiet can prove to be the most productive part of the day.

July Tidbit: The Process of Change

7/4/2021

Most of us at some point in our lives find ourselves dealing with behavior patterns that do not serve us very well. It might be a recent pattern of eating or not getting enough exercise that developed during lockdown, or it may be something that has been troubling for a long time. One way to bring about desired change in your behavior involves a simple three step process: define the problem, observe it, make small changes when you can.

Defining the problem may be more challenging than it seems as it requires taking full responsibility for what you want to change. Letting go of any judgement or blame that may cloud the issue is important. Start with the word “I” and keep the language simple; own your problem with compassion.

Step two involves observing all activity that surrounds the problem until you are fully aware of how it operates. Cultivate your powers of observation, noticing the thoughts that accompany your behavior and the details of how it manifests. An attitude of “isn’t this interesting?” is helpful in remaining patient and non-judgmental in this process and keeping notes in a journal can prove useful. Inhibit any sense of urgency; take time with this step.

And finally, the third step is to do something different when you can. Small steps are often more effective than big ones in creating permanent change. Continue to observe the bigger picture as you implement incremental changes. Celebrate successes large and small, and if something doesn’t work, let it go and try something else.

Keep in mind that simple is not a synonym of easy. Having a support system to offer direction and encouragement can make this process less formidable and more fun, especially if you keep your sense of humor up and running.

June Tidbit: Finding Ease

6/13/2021

When we find ourselves in a situation that has us feeling uncomfortable there are two simple ways we can bring in some ease: getting more information and / or reframing how we think about it. The conversation in our head about what is going on shapes our feelings. And those conversations are based on what we think we know. Changing one or both gives us a different experience.

For example, a friend has agreed to drive you to the airport, but she doesn’t show up and you end up calling for another ride. If you think “She forgot about me, she doesn’t care", you are likely to be annoyed and have an uncomfortable trip to the airport. If you call her and she doesn’t answer and you think “something bad must have happened to her", you might have a worried ride to the airport. You could instead choose to think “there is nothing more I can do right now, so I will let it go and trust that everything will be okay”, you might have more ease and can focus on reading or talking with your driver. If she calls and says she had a small fender bender on the way to pick you up and she is unhurt (new information), you may feel relieved or grateful. You are still riding to the airport without your friend in all of the above scenarios, but how you feel during that ride changes based on what you think and know.

You could say that the truth about what happens to us keeps changing as we change. Looking back on an event that happened some years ago you may have a totally different interpretation than you had at the time. Looking at a current event from a new perspective gives a different emotional response as well. However, if we insist that we have the correct picture and are closed to new information or thoughts, we are stuck with whatever feelings come with that picture.

Neuroscientists believe that mental experiences reflect chemical and electrical experiences in the brain. Neuroplasticity is the brain's ability to change in response to experiences. Studies on the placebo effect offer evidence that beliefs can create changes in the body. Some people think that beliefs actually change the structure and functioning of the brain, so consciously choosing what you think can may have a positive impact in more ways than one.