Blog Posts - Conversations For Change

Conversations For Change

December Tidbit: Three Good Things

12/7/2019

A simple exercise to improve health and happiness is to think of three things you are grateful for every day. Research indicates that this is likely to help you sleep better, improve your ability to make sensible decisions, nourish your relationships, and maybe even stop you from overeating at the holiday table.

Did you ever notice that when you think about things on your ‘to do” list your body responds by tensing in preparation? There is a sight clench of the jaw, usually. Stiffening of the shoulders, a shortening of the breath. When you think about things you are grateful for, your body eases and relaxes. Shoulders release away from the ears and there may even be the hint of a smile on your face as your breath moves more freely.

Even difficult situations can provide opportunities for gratitude. Challenges can strip away the self we think we are and force us to go deeper inside, to reevaluate who we thought we were. Tough situations can teach us about things like surrender and tolerance, perseverance and creativity, compassion and forgiveness, pushing us to explore parts of ourselves we didn’t even know we had. We can appreciate that which teaches us to grow, so include those lessons in your three daily gratitudes.

November Tidbit: Paying Attention

11/24/2019

It is so easy to be caught up in the minutiae of everyday life coupled with the periodic drama of breakdown of cars or appliances (or hurricanes or fires!) that demand our immediate attention. The distinction between what is urgent and what is important and the ability to recognize both the overlap and separation of the two can be challenging. A ringing phone or text message chime may appear to be urgent but is not necessarily important. Maintenance of car and home and body is important, but not always urgent until something goes wrong. Giving your full attention to a loved one is extremely important, but sadly, often neglected. Sometimes our life is so full of urgent drama that we don’t think we have time for the quietly important things, like nurturing relationships or self care.

According to Jon Kabot-Zin in his book Coming To Our Senses, the “journey towards greater health and sanity is catalyzed by mobilizing and developing resources we all already have. And the most important one is our capacity for paying attention…. Paying attention refines awareness, that feature of our being that, along with language distinguishes the potential of our species for learning and for transformation, both individual and collective. We grow and change and learn and become aware through the direct apprehension of things through our five sense coupled with our powers of mind…”

As we near the holidays, we can make a conscious choice to focus attention on the bounty we have, on appreciation of everyone and everything rather than getting caught up in the hustle and bustle of what we think we should do or have. Being present in the moment while cultivating and expressing gratitude can help us avoid common holiday pitfalls and bring more joy to our celebrations. As poet Wu-Men wrote, "If your mind isn’t clouded by unnecessary things, this is the best season of your life.”

October Tidbit: Altered States

10/8/2019

Altered states come naturally to humans, whether it is ‘being in the zone’ during an activity, or spacing out while driving and missing your exit. Think about being caught up in anger and how intensely focused is that altered state of mind. Being 'in love' can have that same level of suggestibility and narrowed vision. Emotional suggestibility has been used by politicians, revolutionaries, and salesman to induce altered states in attempts to impact behavior. Several of these states have been tagged as forms of 'emotional hypnosis’ and most of us are familiar with the term 'highway hypnosis' .

Meditation as an altered state has become very popular and there is some confusion about whether meditation is related to self hypnosis. Many CDs that feature ‘guided imagery’ are marketed as meditations yet are identical to self hypnosis techniques. There are distinctions and similarities between these modalities.

Both guided meditation and self hypnosis are intentional focused attention, and both usually invite a sense of well being and relaxation. Both are chosen by an individual for a specific purpose. Guided meditations and self hypnosis usually have a specific goal or intention, maybe to reduce anxiety or feel more confident or change a behavior, so they are very similar in that regard. The difference between them is that self hypnosis has an inner locus of control while guided meditations have the external influence of someone’s else’s voice and sounds. Traditional meditation is like self hypnosis in that it is internally directed, but is different in that the intention is to empty the mind of thought to attain a peaceful state rather than achieve a specific outcome. It can be argued that emptying the mind of thoughts is a goal of meditation, so perhaps the main difference is that traditional meditation is focused more on the awareness of the present moment without attachment to any future outcome, whereas both guided meditations and self hypnosis are intent upon something becoming different as a result of the practice.

Then there is mindfulness, usually defined as a mental state achieved by focus and awareness of the present moment without judging feelings, thoughts or sensations. Which is sometimes also a definition of meditation. A walking meditation is much the same as a mindfulness walk, but meditation and mindfulness are not always the same. It is easy to be puzzled by the distinctions, especially since all of them fit the Sanskrit translation of “meditation” as “to cultivate self”. One way to look at them is as occasionally overlapping subsets of an altered state achieved without external chemical influence. Whatever your perspective, they offer the potential of changing your reality in a positive way.

September Tidbit: Alternative Pain Management

9/17/2019

One common approach for dealing with pain is to try to avoid it, either with medication or distraction. What if instead we were to address our pain directly? Instead of denying and suppressing we might choose instead to meet our hurts face-on with attention and acceptance. One of my teachers used to say that pain is like a ringing telephone; when we answer it, it stops making so much noise. It is often our fear of pain, be it emotional or physical, that increases the intensity of the experience.

Injury, loss and anguish are part of being human, just as are joy and delight. If we bring awareness to our relationship with our thoughts about what is happening, we can take on the role of the observer and not get caught up in the pain. The observer / witness does not feel the pain, is only aware of it, and being aware, being mindful, can bring us to wholeness of self rather than getting lost in the part that hurts.

“If you move to pure awareness in the midst of pain, even for the tiniest moment, your relationship with your pain is going to shift right in that very moment. It is impossible for it not to change because the gesture of holding it, even if not sustained for long, even for a second or two, already reveals its larger dimensionality. And that shift in your relationship with the experience gives you more freedom in your attitude and your actions….”
Jon Kabot-Zinn in "Coming to Our Senses"

Using awareness or meditation as a form of pain management allows us to rely more on the power of our mind than on external substances or activities to move through difficult situations. The willingness to embrace what is, and actually work with it, does take honesty, willingness and courage, especially when we are dealing with emotions that we don’t want to feel. As an example, instead of reacting with anger when we experience feelings of inadequacy or fear, we can choose to take a moment to observe our thoughts and feelings, and be present with the experience, holding it and ourselves in compassion, instead of jumping into old patterns of reaction. This approach can work with both emotional and physical pain, and allows us to choose a different way to experience and respond, opening pathways to transformation.

August Tidbit: Taming the Monkey Mind

8/2/2019

There are many words to express the restless chatter that can take over our mind when we try to have a quiet moment. Monkey Mind, The Circus, The Committee, Crazy Island all describe the unsettled, inconsistent, confused and seemingly uncontrollable thoughts that race through our mind like wild horses. Sometimes this constant chatter keeps us awake at night, other times it interferes with our ability to stay on task. While sometimes monkey mind can create the impression that we are multi-tasking and getting a lot of things done, it can also feed anxiety, indecision, and self doubt.
Though Monkey Mind often seems to take control, there are ways to tame it. Perhaps the most effective approach is meditation, learning to quietly observe and redirect your thoughts. Listening to a guided meditation is a good way to start this practice as it gives clear focus and a direction to follow. It may be helpful to think of your mind as a muscle that needs to be trained and strengthened so it can perform the tasks you desire. A simple meditation to practice on your own is to think of a word or short phrase and co-ordinate it with your breathe. Breath in as you think half of it, and breath out with the other half. Continue to do this with quiet attention. If your mind starts to wander, gently and lovingly bring it back to your words and breath. Do not judge yourself if this is difficult to do. Instead, simply choose to practice it until it gets easier.

Other methods of taming those wild horses include:

Do something you like to do that requires focus. Creating art, doing crossword or other puzzles, yoga, dancing to music, playing sports, all train your mind to pay attention to what you are doing. Putting a basketball through a hoop, for example, requires quite a bit of training and practice, so keep at your task and don’t allow feeling of discouragement to get you to quit before you get good at it. Be patient with yourself if you get distracted and lovingly bring your mind back to the task at hand. Athletes sometimes use the phrase “in the zone” to refer to periods of intense concentration, and we can find those zones with intention, focus, and practice. Learning something new can also help create these dynamics.

Cultivate mindfulness, being present in the moment, noticing what is around you. Take a walk in the woods or even down the street. Notice everything around you, the leaves on the trees, the breeze, the scent of mint or flowers, the sound of birds. And when your monkey chimes in with, ‘hey what about that thing you forgot to do?!”, just smile and tell it “Later, Gator” and bring your focus back to the birds and see if you can hear any patterns in their calls.

Quit trying to multi-task. Recent research suggests that we cannot actually do two things at once, that we simply rapidly switch back and forth using different parts of our brain. Multi-tasking feeds the habit of scattered and often unfinished thoughts. So when you say you are listening to someone and texting on your phone at the same time, you are doing both of you a disservice.

Practice gratitude. Voice your appreciation of yourself and others. Journal about what you can feel grateful for today, even simple basic things like being able to walk or hear. Monkey Mind tends to shy away from gratitude and celebration.

If your Crazy Island Circus is haunted by a repetitive theme from your past, if you continue to fall into the same mental loops or behaviors, deal with it directly. Put it into words and talk about it to a therapist, clergy, coach, or close friend for support and help. Once in a while the monkeys are just trying to tell us we need to do something different.

Are you noticing a common theme? Monkey Mind often has to do with criticism and judgement. It reminds us of what we haven’t done yet, what we did wrong, what we have yet to do to avoid making a mistake….. The practice of loving kindness to yourself and others will diminish the noise of Crazy Island, in addition to enhancing whatever other practice you choose.

July Tidbit: Spiritual Principles of Reiki

7/16/2019

The Five Spiritual Principles of Reiki

Just for today I shall not worry.
Just for today I shall do my work honestly.
Just for today I will not anger.
Just for today I shall respect and be kind to all beings.
Just for today I will accept my many blessings.

Reiki is a form of energy medicine. Its philosophy posits that all of our action and decisions throughout our lives have created our present circumstances. By accepting that we are responsible for our lives we are centered in our power to create positive and lasting change. When we recognize that we have the power of choice in the present moment, vistas open and we feel hopeful and free to choose. Everything that happens has value; we are all on a journey and even our suffering has meaning.

When energy flow is blocked by illness, injury, or emotional trauma, we may experience internal conflicts and difficulty in dealing with the world. You might argue that we did not choose something really nasty that happened to us. We did however respond to that experience, and our response was built upon our entire history of choices and reactions, and we continue to make choices about how we carry that experience. One common choice is to try to not deal with it, and most of our negative experiences are our own actions coming full circle. Reiki encourages the use of wisdom and love to more easily take responsibility for our lives and restore the smooth flow of energy that allows us to choose healing pathways. The five principles offer simple guidelines as to how to do this on a daily basis.

June Tidbit: Cultivating Self

6/9/2019

In Sanskrit, the word “meditate" translates as "to cultivate self". Much the same way as we prepare a garden plot for cultivation, it is necessary to remove the obstacles that inhibit what we want to grow in ourselves. In our vegetable garden we pull weeds, remove rocks, and amend the soil to foster the growth of our chosen plants. In humans it is old habits, limiting beliefs, and emotional mismanagement that undermine our ability to grow and change.

Just as trying to grow tomatoes in weedy rocky soil does not usually give good results, trying to overlay positive information into an operating system that is full of trash is not very effective. And whether you are working in your vegetable garden or in your own mind, in order to clean things out you need to be able to look at what is there and make good decisions in choosing what stays and what goes.

The power of observation can pave the way for change. To spend time in quiet observation does not require being able to sit in a cross legged position, but it does requires the willingness to allow yourself to become familiar with how you are thinking. This can be a scary business if emotional overwhelm erupts in reaction to your thoughts and causes you to lash out at others or turn shame in on yourself. Common ways to try to avoid dealing with those feelings include staying very busy with doing and/or self medicating. Both of those patterns tends to make the shadow behaviors stronger when they do break loose.

In order to be able to look at what we want to change, it is helpful to call upon a part of ourselves that can see what is going on without having to react to it. That facet of self is often called The Witness, and to look without judging or reacting creates a workspace for positive change. Cultivating the point of view of “isn’t that interesting how I do that" rather than “I’m lazy, crazy, bad or ugly” allows us to observe how we operate, and make decisions about what we want to do differently. If you simply notice the thoughts that come into your mind and let them pass on through, they do not have power over you. They are just thoughts. Witnessing your thoughts without reacting to them can actually generate new neurological pathways in the brain, facilitating new choices in behavior and emotion. And these new choices can be the foundation for healthier relationships, achieving your goals, and finding more fulfillment. To put it simply, perhaps the easiest way to be happy is to stop holding onto thoughts that make you unhappy.

“We are all capable of the most incredible change. We can evolve while still staying true to who we are. We can honor who we’ve been and choose who we want to be next.” Doctor Who

May Tidbit: Trust and Loss

5/19/2019

When people talk or write about loss, it is often about the big losses in life: the death of a loved one, losing a job or home, divorce or estrangement. We all experience lesser losses on a regular basis, and how we deal with loss is crucial to our ability to evolve and enjoy life. It is important to remember that if we resist letting go, we also resist welcoming something new.

The loss of trust in a relationship can be devastating or it can be a basis for growth and change; sometimes in the relationship itself, certainly for the individuals. Two paths manifest after a betrayal: victimhood or resiliency. “What’s wrong with me that I didn’t see this coming, how could they do this to me, it’s not fair” are conversations that lead to feeling powerless and fearful. Recognizing the need for acceptance and forgiveness, practicing self care, and implementing healthy boundaries provides opportunities for building strength and confidence.

I remember hearing family therapist Virginia Satir say that trust is like a basket; what it carries depends on what you put into it. If someone has a history of always being late that is probably not the person you want to ask to pick you up for an important event. But that same person may be totally trustworthy with your checkbook and your house key. If a person has a history of not being truthful, trusting their words may not be a wise choice….. but they might be the first person to step forward in a crisis. Rarely is trust a blanket that covers everything.

The fable of the frog and the scorpion illustrates the importance of awareness of an individual’s nature and the need for wise choices. In one version, a scorpion wants to get to the other side of a river and asks a frog to carry him across. The frog hesitates, saying ‘How do I know you won’t sting me?’ And the scorpion replies that of course he will not sting as they would both drown if he did. So the frog ferries the scorpion on his back and just before they reach the other side, the scorpion stings the frog. As they both are dying, the frog asks the scorpion why he repaid kindness with a death sting. The scorpion replied, “I am a scorpion. It's my nature.” Recognizing and honoring an individual's nature is important in making good choices regarding trust in that relationship.

Rebuilding trust after a betrayal can provide an opportunity for deeper intimacy if both parties are willing to be vulnerable and open with their feelings. Relationships are vital to our quality of life, and challenging times that offer opportunities for growth and change can help us appreciate good times.

April Tidbit; Staying Present in the Shadows

4/15/2019

We live in a culture that tries almost anything to avoid feeling bad. We distract and medicate ourselves, often to the point of addiction or self injury, in an attempt to distance ourselves from pain that might actually provide growth and change. When we feel bad, we drink, or take a pill so we don’t cry. Or we stay so busy we don’t have time to feel anything but tired. Or maybe we buy a new car, or throw ourself into a love affair. Many of us have developed intricate coping strategies to avoid feeling grief or fear or sadness. Buddhist teacher Pema Chodron suggest that these strategies often compromise the enlightenment and growth we seek. She recently wrote "The journey of awakening happens just at the place where we can’t get comfortable. Opening to discomfort is the basis of transmuting our so-called “negative” feelings. We somehow want to get rid of our uncomfortable feelings either by justifying them or by squelching them, but it turns out that this is like throwing the baby out with the bath water. According to the teachings of vajrayana, or tantric, Buddhism, our wisdom and our confusion are so interwoven that it doesn’t work to just throw things out. By trying to get rid of “negativity,” by trying to eradicate it, by putting it into a column labelled “bad,” we are throwing away our wisdom as well, because everything in us is creative energy—particularly our strong emotions. They are filled with life-force."

She is not suggesting that we wallow in negativity but rather to fully embrace being human and staying present with what life has to offer. "If we just try to get rid of negative feelings, we don’t realize that those feelings are our wisdom. The transmutation comes from the willingness to hold our seat with the feeling, to let the words go, to let the justification go.” In other words, to allow the lesson of the experience to reveal itself, and recognize that everything “offers awakening”. She further suggests that this is important to coming to know yourself in a spiritual rather than egotistical way. If we justify, rationalize, self medicate or distract, we are throwing up walls to avoid feeling discomfort and trying to deny the duality of life. We are labeling feelings as good and bad and creating distance between ourselves and others, fixating on doing instead of being, and preventing ourselves from knowing who we truly are. Making friends with ourselves means accepting all of who we are, even the shadow sides of self that make us feel uncomfortable, for that is in those shadows where true change can manifest.

“...by beginning to look so clearly and so honestly at ourselves—at our emotions, at our thoughts, at who we really are—we begin to dissolve the walls that separate us from others. ….These walls come from our fear of knowing parts of ourselves.” So the next time you feel an uncomfortable emotion, try sitting with it for a moment before you evoke your coping strategy to make it go away. (Of course, there are lessons in simply recognizing your coping strategies :) The next time, maybe sit for two moments, then three. This type of meditation may prove very uncomfortable, so it might be helpful to remind yourself it is "at the place where we can’t get comfortable” that real awakening begins.

March Tidbit: Imagination

3/12/2019

"Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited to all we now know and understand, while imagination embraces the entire world, and all there will ever be to know and understand." Albert Einstein

As a child Einstein was often chastised in school for ‘daydreaming’. He was not very good at staying inside the mental boxes of his time and often indulged in experimental thoughts. At age 16 he wondered what it would be like to ride a moving light wave at a constant speed like a surf board; these were his beginning notions on relativity. His imaginative thought experiments led to some of the most profound concepts of our time.

It is believed that the philosopher, poet and composer Nietsche wandered alone in nature for hour ruminating on his ideas. Darwin, Leonardo Da Vinci, and Steve Jobs are also known daydreamers. Isn’t it interesting that behavior labeled as non-productive by society has often proved to be radically productive and fruitful? If we are overly focused on measurable outputs, rote memorization of facts and figures, staying busy, getting things done, and living up to expectations, we may be depriving ourselves of opportunities to explore, create and grow in ways nurtured by the freedom of imagination.

Set aside some time to dream, to let go of linear thinking and free your imagination to wander and discover. Even a few minutes a day can open a window for thoughts to fly into your mind and start your creative juices to flow.

"This world is but canvas to our imaginations." Henry David Thoreau