Have you ever felt like your emotions were running away with you? Your emotions don’t actually control you unless you allow them but unfortunately permission is often given without conscious awareness of what is going on. Recognizing what you are feeling and that you have choices as to how to respond to those feelings is a significant point of power to improve emotional management.
While venting can make you feel better at the time, it can add fuel to the fire and it isn’t helpful if it keeps you anchored in the problem. Express how you feel and then focus on moving forward with solutions, rather than continuing to live in righteous anger. Anger can motivate positive change and there are strategies to increase your ability to manage them. (Book suggestion: The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner)
An important key to emotional growth is stepping outside your comfort zone, best done with small steps. Emotions are energy and if you don’t know how to manage that energy it can feel overwhelming, so going slow and having support is helpful. Mutual emotional support with a partner is documented as important in maintaining healthy relationships. You don’t have to agree with another person, just acknowledge and validate the reality of their feelings for them, and don’t make it be about you. This is not something that most of us were taught but it is something we can learn.
So how do we learn this stuff? Pretty much the same way you learn any language. Emotional fluency comes from skills developed from observation and practice. If you weren’t exposed to it growing up, you probably didn’t learn it, the same way you didn’t learn fluent Russian unless you were exposed to it on a regular basis. If you have some fear or guilt about how you express your feelings, perhaps use those specific feelings as a starting point. Goals might include :
Desensitizing reactivity to situations that trigger strong emotion
Increasing management skills
Decreasing fear and recognizing that so even so-called negative emotions have something to teach us
Increasing confidence: practice, practice, practice and celebrate your successes
Emotions can enrich our lives with color and sensation while providing guidance and opportunities. Allow them to team up with your thoughts and actions rather than struggle against them. Ask for help to broaden your skill base if you need it.
While venting can make you feel better at the time, it can add fuel to the fire and it isn’t helpful if it keeps you anchored in the problem. Express how you feel and then focus on moving forward with solutions, rather than continuing to live in righteous anger. Anger can motivate positive change and there are strategies to increase your ability to manage them. (Book suggestion: The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner)
An important key to emotional growth is stepping outside your comfort zone, best done with small steps. Emotions are energy and if you don’t know how to manage that energy it can feel overwhelming, so going slow and having support is helpful. Mutual emotional support with a partner is documented as important in maintaining healthy relationships. You don’t have to agree with another person, just acknowledge and validate the reality of their feelings for them, and don’t make it be about you. This is not something that most of us were taught but it is something we can learn.
So how do we learn this stuff? Pretty much the same way you learn any language. Emotional fluency comes from skills developed from observation and practice. If you weren’t exposed to it growing up, you probably didn’t learn it, the same way you didn’t learn fluent Russian unless you were exposed to it on a regular basis. If you have some fear or guilt about how you express your feelings, perhaps use those specific feelings as a starting point. Goals might include :
Desensitizing reactivity to situations that trigger strong emotion
Increasing management skills
Decreasing fear and recognizing that so even so-called negative emotions have something to teach us
Increasing confidence: practice, practice, practice and celebrate your successes
Emotions can enrich our lives with color and sensation while providing guidance and opportunities. Allow them to team up with your thoughts and actions rather than struggle against them. Ask for help to broaden your skill base if you need it.
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