How do you cope when someone you love is doing something that you believe is not in their best interest? Maybe they are drinking too much, not taking care of themselves very well, or just not doing something the way you think they should. Out of concern for their well being you want to tell them but sometimes you hold your tongue out of fear they will get angry at you. If you hold your tongue and fret about the situation for long enough you may find yourself caught in the “puking buzzard” syndrome, where everything comes blurting out with more force than you even knew was there and you evoke the the very anger that you feared.
Recently I quoted Jerry Garcia “You ain’t gonna learn what you don’t want to know”. Generally, people don’t want to know they are wrong, so confronting behavior with criticism usually does not go well. Because we learn by engaging with information in ways that allow the content to enter our thought process, it is important to make that connection before providing information. Listening for understanding can help make connection so you can communicate your concerns in a compassionate way. It might sound something like this: "I want us to understand each other and make good choices. Please explain to me how you see this situation and I’ll really listen and take a few minutes to try on your perspective without judging it. Then I’d like to talk about my perspective and maybe you can look at it from my point of view for a few minutes. Even if we don’t agree on a resolution, at least we can better understand each other.”
Perhaps the best outcome is that you will each influence the other’s thinking. Sometimes all we can do is plant seeds and pray for them to grow. Remember that you are not in charge of the outcome, only your own actions. It is important to acknowledge that you are not responsible for another adult's behavior and you cannot make them change it. You can invite them to think about it and tell them how you feel, but you need to be willing to let go of thinking you know best and that you are in charge, for both of your sakes. If another person’s behavior is causing you problems, focus on your own behavior and your choices, and get support for yourself. Some choices are really hard and we do not always see the big picture. If this is a pattern for you perhaps look at what is going on with you that you feel the need to try to fix others. Being responsible is about your “ability to respond” and feelings of powerlessness can make us want to try to manipulate others, often damaging our relationships and causing harm to everyone involved. Just as the spouse who makes excuses to protect their alcoholic partner simply prolongs the drinking, it is not in another’s best interest for us to bail them out and allow them to avoid the consequences of their behavior.
The image of a butterfly struggling to break out of its cocoon symbolizes the importance of dealing with challenges to grow and develop strength. If we assist it in getting free, we interfere with its process of strengthening its wings and the butterfly may not have strong enough wings to fly. It might actually die because we tried to help it. Learning when to let go or stand back informs about the relationship between actions and consequences and it is an ongoing process for us all. In his book “How can I help?”, Ram Dass refers to the desire to help as "a timeless inquiry of the heart”. By all means, let us help each other, but let the focus be on building strengths than attempting to fix or compensate for perceived weakness.
Recently I quoted Jerry Garcia “You ain’t gonna learn what you don’t want to know”. Generally, people don’t want to know they are wrong, so confronting behavior with criticism usually does not go well. Because we learn by engaging with information in ways that allow the content to enter our thought process, it is important to make that connection before providing information. Listening for understanding can help make connection so you can communicate your concerns in a compassionate way. It might sound something like this: "I want us to understand each other and make good choices. Please explain to me how you see this situation and I’ll really listen and take a few minutes to try on your perspective without judging it. Then I’d like to talk about my perspective and maybe you can look at it from my point of view for a few minutes. Even if we don’t agree on a resolution, at least we can better understand each other.”
Perhaps the best outcome is that you will each influence the other’s thinking. Sometimes all we can do is plant seeds and pray for them to grow. Remember that you are not in charge of the outcome, only your own actions. It is important to acknowledge that you are not responsible for another adult's behavior and you cannot make them change it. You can invite them to think about it and tell them how you feel, but you need to be willing to let go of thinking you know best and that you are in charge, for both of your sakes. If another person’s behavior is causing you problems, focus on your own behavior and your choices, and get support for yourself. Some choices are really hard and we do not always see the big picture. If this is a pattern for you perhaps look at what is going on with you that you feel the need to try to fix others. Being responsible is about your “ability to respond” and feelings of powerlessness can make us want to try to manipulate others, often damaging our relationships and causing harm to everyone involved. Just as the spouse who makes excuses to protect their alcoholic partner simply prolongs the drinking, it is not in another’s best interest for us to bail them out and allow them to avoid the consequences of their behavior.
The image of a butterfly struggling to break out of its cocoon symbolizes the importance of dealing with challenges to grow and develop strength. If we assist it in getting free, we interfere with its process of strengthening its wings and the butterfly may not have strong enough wings to fly. It might actually die because we tried to help it. Learning when to let go or stand back informs about the relationship between actions and consequences and it is an ongoing process for us all. In his book “How can I help?”, Ram Dass refers to the desire to help as "a timeless inquiry of the heart”. By all means, let us help each other, but let the focus be on building strengths than attempting to fix or compensate for perceived weakness.
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