Conversations For Change - Monthly Tidbits

Conversations For Change

July Tidbit: Listening for Understanding

7/17/2022

Thomas Gordon once said that every sentence has three meanings: what the speaker intends to convey, what the listener hears, and what the words actually mean. One of the primary skills to improve relationships is the ability to listen for understanding during conversations. This often involves asking what another person meant by their choice of words instead of making an assumption or anticipating what comes next. Sometimes people have trouble asking those kinds of question, perhaps out of discomfort with their own feelings, wanting to be heard themselves, thinking they already have the answers, and / or fear of being seen as stupid.

People who are afraid or angry often misinterpret the words of others to make them fit their own belief system. They are not interested in what the other person really means, they are only interested in being justified for their own beliefs. You may hear this in news reports or political debates where someone takes a sentence out of context and builds a campaign around their interpretation of the sentence and pass it off as truth. This also happens in interpersonal relationships and usually leads to communication breakdown. “Ain’t no point in talking when there’s nobody listening” sang Rod Stewart in Young Turks.

Active listening skills can improve personal and professional relationships, increase self esteem, resolve conflicts peaceably, and open hearts and minds. Invitations to elaborate (“tell me more”) and open ended questions (“what happened next?”) indicate a desire to understand and invite more honest communication, increasing the odds of avoiding conflict in the first place. People want to be heard. Agreeing with some (however small) part of truth in another’s statement lets them know you are really listening. Articles and video clips on attentive listening abound on the internet and July 18 has been declared World Listening Day; let’s celebrate with open ears.

“You have two ears and one mouth. Use them accordingly.” Stephen Covey, author of 'Seven Habits of Highly Effective People'

June Tidbit: Influence

6/15/2022

Six years ago I wrote about lessons learned from a puppy adopted from the pound. That dog, Ruby, continues to teach me as well as keep me entertained. A recent lesson is about the powerful influence of the company we keep.

Ruby grew up in rural northern California and had not had much exposure to the extremes of thunder, lightning and fireworks that are so prevalent in Florida, so her first summer here had her unnerved. Like most dogs, the sudden and repetitive noise and light of explosions made her jumpy and upset. One Fourth of July we went to see friends who lived with five cats. Ruby was raised by a cat named Bob and has always been fond of felines so she was delighted to have five cats to follow around. The first loud firework explosion made her jump and shake…. until she noticed that all five cats were nonchalantly grooming, lapping water, or playing, not paying any attention to the fireworks. I wish I could have gotten a photo of the expression on Ruby’s face. And in just a few heartbeats, Ruby had stopped trembling and was back playing with the cats, fireworks forgotten. To this day she is pretty much ok with thunder and fireworks, altho she does sometimes bark at the really loud ones.

We all have experience with the phenomenon of peer influence. It may be labeled as public opinion, political correctness, conformity, peer pressure, mob mentality (pitch forks and lanterns!), social influencing, group think ….. all terms for the powerful impact our society exerts upon us. Epigenetics is an area of scientific research that explores how environmental influences effect the expression of genes. Research into the concept of "soft inheritance”, a passing on of learned traits or behaviors that might actually become encoded in our DNA, suggests that a person’s experience actually generates molecular changes in the brain. Does that mean that if Ruby had puppies they would not be afraid of lightening or thunder even without her physical presence calming them? There are more questions than answers about this issue, but one thing is clear: we are social creatures and the influence of those around us is strong and often beneath our awareness. Increased consciousness of this phenomenon might allow us to avoid unfortunate behavior by intentionally choosing more positive influences.

"The people you spend time with influence your attitude and thoughts more than you think.”
Fuad Alakbarov, human rights activist and photojournalist

June 15th, 2022

6/15/2022

May Tidbit: Laughter

5/7/2022

Humor has been identified as a factor in the development of personal resilience and health. Laughter releases endorphins and the increase of oxygen resulting from laughter nourishes and stimulates heart, lung and muscles. It encourages optimism, emotional management, relaxation and reduced stress, and is especially helpful during stressful times. Indigenous peoples across the globe have used humor to get through difficult situations. “I’ve heard my mother share heart-wrenching stories of her childhood and horrific events she’d faced — and in the same breath, she’ll have us bent-over laughing, struggling to catch our breath and trying not to pee our pants….she inherited her humor from a long line of wise-cracking Mohawks. Only in indigenous communities will funerals be some of the wildest, comical overnight celebrations.” Devery Jacobs

The first doctor to suggest that humor helps heal was probably Henri de Mondeville, a professor of surgery in the 1300s, who promoted the use of humor for post operative patients. Norman Cousins has written about his use of laughter to overcome serious illness. Dr. Madan Kataria, a family physician in Mumbai, India, came up with the concept of Laughing Yoga in the 1990s, a yoga practice that involves prolonged voluntary laughter. He believed that even learning to laugh on cue strengthens immune function, increases energy and helps you better manage hardship.

"Finding humour in stressful moments allows you to separate who you are from what you do," says Lois McElravy, who runs workshops on humor. "You may have done something stupid, but you’re not a stupid person.” We all do stupid things sometimes simply because we are human. Learning to laugh at ourselves instead of getting angry or judging our behavior decreases feelings of inadequacy and actually encourages positive change. (Please note that ridiculing laughter directed at another person in order to belittle them is a form of anger, not humor.)

Whether you like to watch comedies or animal antics, find ways to increase laughter in your day and notice how it affects your sense of wellbeing. Mel Brooks once said that "Life literally abounds in comedy if you just look around you”, so just keep your eyes open.

"If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane" Jimmy Buffett

April Tidbit: I Love My Shirt

4/11/2022

In 1969 there was a song on the radio called " I Love My Shirt" by a Scottish singer who went by the singular name of Donovan. In a silly love song, Donovan’s joyful expression of appreciation for his clothing made people smile. How often do we celebrate gratitude for the simple things, for the articles we use every day? Think about what life would be like without them. Why not take the time to be appreciative of the shirt that keeps us warm, the shoes that protect our feet, the sun that rises every morning? Why not live in gratitude for everyday things?

Even when times are rough, we can find things to be grateful for: a friendship, a pet, the warmth of the sun, our resilience, family, the flowers along the path, our ability to breathe, to read, to walk, birdsong, rain, sunrises. While we can’t always choose what thoughts pop into our heads, or what events happen to us, we do get to choose how much energy we feed particular ideas. We can inhibit negative thoughts and redirect to better choices. We can focus our attention on that which makes us smile, moves us forward, or gives us support, rather than on that which makes us feel bad. Expanding gratitude involves not taking things for granted (like our shirt!) and not taking things personally. Awareness, inhibition and redirection is a simple and challenging way to change our habits of thought and emotional experience.

"Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance.” Eckhart Tolle
“Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.” Oprah Winfrey

March Tidbit: The Puking Buzzard Syndrome

3/14/2022

Years ago a coworker described a style of emotional mismanagement that he called “The Puking Buzzard Syndrome”. He said he had observed a behavior pattern where a person would get annoyed about something and swallow their feelings to attempt to avoid conflict. This would continue until the person had swallowed so much anger and was so full of it that they would finally explode and vomit out their feelings, often creating a much larger conflict.

While “The Puking Buzzard Syndrome” name lends humor to this practice, it can be extremely stressful for the enactor as well family and friends. If buried, negative feelings and thoughts can build into a chronic level of anxiety or fester as resentments. While the anger may be periodically directed outward, damage also occurs inside with feelings of guilt or shame about the resultant behavior, stirring up even more charged emotional energy that gets repressed and the cycle continues.

Emotions are energy. Since it is not possible to actually create or destroy energy, the energies of strong emotion need be be transformed into a more manageable experience. Emotion management can be defined as the ability to be aware of and constructively handle both positive and challenging emotions. Ideally we learn this in childhood by mirroring the adults around us. If those adults aren’t able to model good conflict resolution skills and evidence difficulty managing emotions, then that’s our imprint and we need to learn more productive management skills elsewhere. If you Google “emotional management”, you will see a plethora of links for tools and resources. If you struggle with managing anger or depression (or any of your feelings) or you have difficulty maintaining relationships, acquiring new tools can make a huge difference. There are a wide variety of classes, workshops, and therapies that are designed to help us navigate all the emotions that come with being human, giving us strategies to improve both personal and professional relationships as well as our relationship with self.

February Tidbit: Nourishing Relationships

2/14/2022

In honor of Valentine’s day, some ways to think about nourishing relationships:

-- Communicate. Talk about what you want, feel, think, and dream. Practice honesty with kindness and compassion. Express gratitude and appreciation for your other. Acknowledge their talents and offer support with an open mind and heart. Ask questions that deepen your understanding. And create opportunities for such conversations.

— Explore Intimacy. Intimacy (“into me see”) is a shared closeness, a feeling of connection and support. It requires a willingness to let another know who you are, how you think and feel, and it can be a little scary if there are parts of self that we don’t even want to see. Carl Jung used the term “shadow" to describe the parts of our mind that we prefer to be in the dark, and these are the parts that tend to cause problems in our relationships. “Relationships are the ways in which we try to resolve our own internal issues” is how my therapist stated it, and it is helpful to travel those ways with honesty, openness, humor and compassion. Swallowed anger, hidden feelings, secrets, addictions and lies erode feelings of closeness and evoke mistrust and anxiety. Intimacy is a risk; it requires trust. Willingness to know yourself and allowing trust in your abilities and your partner’s gives you a strong base.

-- Listen for understanding, asking questions to clarify rather than making assumptions. The process of intimacy is one of ongoing discovery and it is when we think we already know what someone is thinking that we miss the opportunity to learn more about them and grow closer. Simple responses like “Tell me more” or “What did you mean by that?” can deepen our understanding and connection while opening new channels for improved communication. Avoid judgement; it does not improve the quality of relationships.

-- Take responsibility for self and pay attention to your choices. Regardless of the situation, your point of power is how you respond to it. Let your response be a conscious choice rather than an unconscious reaction. If you find yourself blaming or judging or building resentment, ask yourself “What is my part in this?” and look to how you can change your thoughts or actions in order to better the situation. Choose to forgive mistakes; resentment is a heavy burden.

-- Ask for help if you need it. If you hit a wall, you have choices. Some people choose to run away and likely recreate the same scenario somewhere else while others choose to stay and suffer in martyrdom. You might choose to ask for help, support and direction if you find yourself unable to see a clear path. Know that it's ok to admit you don’t always have the answers.

January Tidbit: Cultivating Neuroplasticity

1/12/2022

Neuroplasticity is the brain's ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections in response to experiences in the world. This process is ongoing and it is what allows us to learn and adapt to new situations as well as to compensate for injury and disease. Our brains, like everything else, are in a constant state of flux, and while many things that happen to us are outside of our control, we can consciously choose to influence how our brains evolve.

Our interactions with the world cause the brain to reorganize synaptic connections. This can provoke new thoughts and ideas, cause significant shifts in behavior, and interfere with or improve our ability to function. Brain reorganization occurs when undamaged nerve fibers grow new nerve endings to connect with neurons that have been damaged. They can also connect with undamaged nerve cells to create entirely new neural pathways that allow a person to accomplish tasks in a different way. This rewiring of neural pathways is especially important in recovery from physical or emotional trauma.

As we age neuroplasticity declines, but it does not stop. New neurons can appear in parts of the brain until the day we die and stimulating our brains can have a significant positive impact on the aging process. The easiest way to nurture neuroplasticity is to choose to open and exercise your mind. Do something new in this new year, especially an activity that offers challenges. Learn a language or any new task, research an interesting subject, read, exercise frequently, make or listen to music, play brain stimulating games, discuss topics that interest you with others. Research indicates that combining physical activity with mental stimulation provides stronger impact on the brain than either alone, so activities such as walking while talking or listening to music or a book, learning to dance, singing or whistling while doing household chores can offer added benefit. It is also helpful to pay attention to your thoughts. Studies have shown that prolonged negative thinking interferes with the brain’s ability to think and remember, and a study by the American Academy of Neurology found a correlation between habitual negative thinking and dementia. Challenging old beliefs and and behaviors, and choosing to look at situations with an open mind can stimulate positive changes in our cognitive function and improve our quality of life regardless of age.

December Tidbit: Floyd and the Miracle

12/13/2021

Of all the tidbits I have written over the years, this is my favorite.The powers of perception and belief shape our lives on a daily basis more than we realize. If you pay attention and open your mind to possibilities this holiday season perhaps you too will experience miracles.

FLOYD AND THE MIRACLE

Many years ago enroute to Mt. Lassen on a horse camping trip with friends, our old truck began to lose power on the steeper sections of the road. The truck, known as Floyd, was soon struggling to keep speed even on the level surfaces and we had no choice but to pull over in a large rest area. Despite our best attempts under the hood, we could not get Floyd to move at other than a snail's pace; no way he could pull a loaded horse trailer to our mountain destination. By this time it was four in the afternoon on a Saturday in mid-summer. The horses were impatient, stamping their hooves. We were hot and tired and dreading the idea of spending the night on the side of the road.

We had a serious need for a mechanic. So I said a little prayer of petition requesting one and set about unloading the horses to make them more comfortable. About fifteen minutes later, a large RV driven by a tiny man accompanied by a very large woman holding a miniature poodle pulls into the turnout. The man climbs down from the cab and hobbles over to us. He asks for help to resolve an argument with his wife. They are lost and she insists they have already passed the town of Chester while he is adamant that they have not. With the help of our map and some loud conversation (he is hard of hearing), we provide the correct information and the man turns and hobbles back towards his RV.

As I watch him amble off, my thoughts return to our situation. Suddenly bells go off in my head and to the surprise of my companions, I race off after the man. As he is a rather slow mover, I catch him before he gets back to his vehicle.
"Excuse me, do you know how to fix a truck?”
"Eh?"
"A truck. Do you know how to fix a truck?"
"What kind of a truck?"
"A Ford." I pointed to Floyd.
"Oh, sure."

Without another word, he slowly makes his way to Floyd, climbs up the front bumper like a monkey and peers into Floyd's malfunctioning depths. Pulling a matchbook cover from his pocket to use as a tool, he does something for about a minute and then jumps down to tell us exactly what was wrong and that his jerry rigging will last until Monday when we can get Floyd to a garage. And then he rejoins his wife and poodle and drives off towards the town of Chester while my friends stand open mouthed in wonder.

The miracle in this story is not that a man stops to ask directions and knows how to repair Floyd. The miracle is that I recognize him as the mechanic I had asked for even though his appearance is not in line with my expectations. He could have come and gone and I might have still been waiting on the side of the road for someone wearing overalls with "Mike" embroidered on the pocket. The miracle is in the perception. And this kind of miracle is available to us every day if we cultivate openness to seeing what is there. As Willa Cather wrote, "Miracles... seem to me to rest not so much upon faces or voices or healing power coming to us for afar, but upon our perceptions being made finer, so that there for a moment our eyes can see and our ears can hear what is there about us always".

November Tidbit: Open Mind

11/17/2021

"To raise new questions, new possibilities, to regard old problems from a new angle, requires creative imagination and marks real advance in science." Albert Einstein.

When I got my first paid job as a counselor, I was 23 years old and fresh out of college where I had majored in Theater Arts and English Literature. I was hired to work in a "partial hospitalization program", also known as a "day treatment program". What I did not know at the time was that it was basically a warehouse for mentally ill people, and patients were not expected to get well or even improve during their time in the program. Coming in unaware of that expectation allowed me to work with patients with enthusiasm and a mind wide open to possibilities, and several of my patients did improve, somewhat to the surprise of supervising psychiatrists. One ex-patient sent me a postcard several years later. He was a young man diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic with 2 suicide attempts and several years of inpatient hospitalization in his history. He wrote to thank me for challenging his negative beliefs and encouraging him to think that he could create what he wanted in his life. He wrote that he had held his current job for 2 years, he had been painting again and had sold several of his paintings, that he had regained custody of his daughters, and he was happy. This was a man who had been on a path to spend the rest of his life institutionalized. As MaryAnne Williamson teaches, “Change your mind, change your life”.

As we enter this holiday season, allow yourself to stay open to the possibility that wondrous things can happen if you let them. Bring that attitude to your gatherings with family and friends. If we expect things to be the way they have always been, we push the outcome in that direction. Ray Bradbury wrote "The best scientist is open to experience and begins with romance - the idea that anything is possible.” What might happen if you believed that?