Conversations For Change - Monthly Tidbits

Conversations For Change

November Tidbit: Open Mind

11/17/2021

"To raise new questions, new possibilities, to regard old problems from a new angle, requires creative imagination and marks real advance in science." Albert Einstein.

When I got my first paid job as a counselor, I was 23 years old and fresh out of college where I had majored in Theater Arts and English Literature. I was hired to work in a "partial hospitalization program", also known as a "day treatment program". What I did not know at the time was that it was basically a warehouse for mentally ill people, and patients were not expected to get well or even improve during their time in the program. Coming in unaware of that expectation allowed me to work with patients with enthusiasm and a mind wide open to possibilities, and several of my patients did improve, somewhat to the surprise of supervising psychiatrists. One ex-patient sent me a postcard several years later. He was a young man diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic with 2 suicide attempts and several years of inpatient hospitalization in his history. He wrote to thank me for challenging his negative beliefs and encouraging him to think that he could create what he wanted in his life. He wrote that he had held his current job for 2 years, he had been painting again and had sold several of his paintings, that he had regained custody of his daughters, and he was happy. This was a man who had been on a path to spend the rest of his life institutionalized. As MaryAnne Williamson teaches, “Change your mind, change your life”.

As we enter this holiday season, allow yourself to stay open to the possibility that wondrous things can happen if you let them. Bring that attitude to your gatherings with family and friends. If we expect things to be the way they have always been, we push the outcome in that direction. Ray Bradbury wrote "The best scientist is open to experience and begins with romance - the idea that anything is possible.” What might happen if you believed that?

October Tidbit: Reframing

10/11/2021

"There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so…” Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act 2 Scene 2

For every event in life there are many different points of view. When we look at an event from one angle, we might feel worried and anxious. Seen from a different perspective, all fear might dissipate and an extra moment of happiness be added to our life. While sorrow is a part of being human, life is too is too short to spend unnecessary moments in unpleasant emotion. Reframing our perspective is powerful tool to increase joy.

Some times it is a sense of entitlement that makes us feel bad. Not getting what we want or thinking that we know what is right can block compassion and leave us feeling disconnected from others. Recognizing that not getting what you want might be a good thing can be hard to wrap your brain around. I remember not getting a job that I wanted and being very unhappy. Two months later I was offered a much better job that changed my life for the good. I would not have been available for the better thing had I gotten the thing I wanted. We are often mistaken in our assessment of a situation because we are not able to see the whole picture and the consequences have not yet unfolded.

The bad things that happen can empower us. Failures and mistakes come with lessons that allow us to build towards success, if we are willing to focus our thoughts in that direction and not burden ourselves with critical self talk. Basketball star Michael Jordan credits his failures, his missed baskets and bad plays, as the very reasons for his success. He allowed his mistakes to inform his education and develop his skill.

The next time you experience an annoyance or a problem, a flat tire for example, what if you intentionally reframe your thoughts and choose to wonder what might be the results of being delayed instead of getting worried or angry. Having an attachment to a specific outcome and getting your panties in a twist when it does not come the way you planned can lead to increased stress and impair good decision making. Being curious about the world as it unfolds around us allows us to be more relaxed and fully present, facilitating better choices.

"A healthy perspective really is the foundation of joy and happiness because the way we see the world is the way we experience the world. Changing the way we see the world in turn changes the way we feel and the way we act, which changes the world itself.” from the Book of Joy, conversations with the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu

September Tidbit: Involved Detachment

9/14/2021

The concept of involved detachment as presented by spiritual teacher and author Ram Dass is offered as a path to increase compassion and reduce suffering. It invites us to unhook from attachment to a specific outcome while at the same time remaining fully involved with the process of the journey. This tends to unsettle the ego as it requires the ability to embrace uncertainty, and it is often challenging to distinguish between the voice that is your ego and the actual situation.

Because motivation affects perception, we tend to see what fits in with what we want, and our actions are shaped by our desires. If we are hungry, our focus is toward things to eat; if we are cold we look for ways to get warm. If we push that concept, identification with our desires can lead to everyone and everything being seen as an object to be manipulated for personal gratification. The behavior associated with drug addiction is an example of this, but on a more covert level our attachment to a particular outcome also manifests in our everyday communications. Our need (to be heard, to be right, to get approval, to get our way, to justify our behavior) can obscure our ability to truly hear and be compassionate with another person. There is an expression in the Tao, “Truth waits for eyes unclouded by longing.” If we can find that place in our awareness that is not compromised by our desires we can be more fully present in the exchange with another, experiencing compassion rather than projecting our own needs or wounds upon them.

We all have desires and dreams. Involved detachment suggests that we let go of insisting that we know the right way to manifest those longings by manipulating the externals around us. Instead we allow the path to unfold before us while being present in the moment with open heart and mind. It is still Important to have goals, and the focus is more on what transpires inside us rather than outside. Notice how your thoughts and feelings can tend to lead you down certain repetitive paths, especially when you are trying to protect yourself against imagined fears. When you can, choose a different awareness that allows for more openness and willingness to receive what is available instead of trying to control the outcome. Let it be a process, a question, a swim through uncertain waters, not yet knowing what treasures you may find.

August Tidbit: Your Special Place

8/14/2021

“When anxious, uneasy, and bad thoughts come, I go to the sea,
And the sea drowns them out with its great wide sounds,
Cleanses me with its noise,
And imposes a rhythm upon everything in me,
That is bewildered and confused."
Rainer Maria Rilke

This poem has always resonated with me, for it is to the sea that I go when I feel disquieted. I have always been sensitive to my environment and the ocean is a natural draw for me and I visit frequently to maintain my balance.

Having a place to go that grounds you is similar to rebooting your computer. It gets rid of the debris, restores function to your programs and gives new energy. Places in nature are often chosen: some people go to the mountains, the desert, the woods behind the house. But your special place can be anywhere that allows you to step outside the chaos and noise of both the world and your own mind and be at peace. A quiet room in your home, an altar with items of significance, your back yard or balcony garden; any of these can serve. Sometimes an activity like riding a horse, surfing, yoga, meditation or even swinging in a swing can provide the balance that helps to heal your soul.

In times of stress we often put aside such practices, forgetting that they can help us move through difficult times. When I was a child, there was an old oak tree in a nearby woods that I would climb whenever the world became overwhelming. Perhaps you had a similar place of refuge in your childhood. Think about where your special place might be now, for the world is very much with us these days, Even a few moments of peace and quiet can prove to be the most productive part of the day.

July Tidbit: The Process of Change

7/4/2021

Most of us at some point in our lives find ourselves dealing with behavior patterns that do not serve us very well. It might be a recent pattern of eating or not getting enough exercise that developed during lockdown, or it may be something that has been troubling for a long time. One way to bring about desired change in your behavior involves a simple three step process: define the problem, observe it, make small changes when you can.

Defining the problem may be more challenging than it seems as it requires taking full responsibility for what you want to change. Letting go of any judgement or blame that may cloud the issue is important. Start with the word “I” and keep the language simple; own your problem with compassion.

Step two involves observing all activity that surrounds the problem until you are fully aware of how it operates. Cultivate your powers of observation, noticing the thoughts that accompany your behavior and the details of how it manifests. An attitude of “isn’t this interesting?” is helpful in remaining patient and non-judgmental in this process and keeping notes in a journal can prove useful. Inhibit any sense of urgency; take time with this step.

And finally, the third step is to do something different when you can. Small steps are often more effective than big ones in creating permanent change. Continue to observe the bigger picture as you implement incremental changes. Celebrate successes large and small, and if something doesn’t work, let it go and try something else.

Keep in mind that simple is not a synonym of easy. Having a support system to offer direction and encouragement can make this process less formidable and more fun, especially if you keep your sense of humor up and running.

June Tidbit: Finding Ease

6/13/2021

When we find ourselves in a situation that has us feeling uncomfortable there are two simple ways we can bring in some ease: getting more information and / or reframing how we think about it. The conversation in our head about what is going on shapes our feelings. And those conversations are based on what we think we know. Changing one or both gives us a different experience.

For example, a friend has agreed to drive you to the airport, but she doesn’t show up and you end up calling for another ride. If you think “She forgot about me, she doesn’t care", you are likely to be annoyed and have an uncomfortable trip to the airport. If you call her and she doesn’t answer and you think “something bad must have happened to her", you might have a worried ride to the airport. You could instead choose to think “there is nothing more I can do right now, so I will let it go and trust that everything will be okay”, you might have more ease and can focus on reading or talking with your driver. If she calls and says she had a small fender bender on the way to pick you up and she is unhurt (new information), you may feel relieved or grateful. You are still riding to the airport without your friend in all of the above scenarios, but how you feel during that ride changes based on what you think and know.

You could say that the truth about what happens to us keeps changing as we change. Looking back on an event that happened some years ago you may have a totally different interpretation than you had at the time. Looking at a current event from a new perspective gives a different emotional response as well. However, if we insist that we have the correct picture and are closed to new information or thoughts, we are stuck with whatever feelings come with that picture.

Neuroscientists believe that mental experiences reflect chemical and electrical experiences in the brain. Neuroplasticity is the brain's ability to change in response to experiences. Studies on the placebo effect offer evidence that beliefs can create changes in the body. Some people think that beliefs actually change the structure and functioning of the brain, so consciously choosing what you think can may have a positive impact in more ways than one.

May Tidbit: Letting go....Again

5/10/2021

Each time we lose someone or something we love there is a process of dealing with the reality of the loss. It does not matter whether the loss is a friend, a pet, a home, a job, a relationship, a parent, our mobility…. the process occurs regardless. Some losses affect us more profoundly than others and a wise woman once suggested that all our griefs are connected with a silver thread so that a new loss may re-open old pockets of grief.

We have our rituals to help us cope, and we all know, at least on some level, that everything is impermanent. But as a client once told me, the longest journey is the 18 inches from head to heart, and when the knowing of death moves from the head to the heart there is often profound struggle. Those of us who grew up close to nature and frequently witnessed the cycle of life and death may have less difficulty with the concept of leaving this earthly plane, but the experience is intensely different when it gets close and personal.

The stages of grief have been well documented. The initial denial attempts to protect us from an unwelcome reality. Fear and sadness frequently manifest as anger. Often we try to rationalize or bargain away our emotional distress in an attempt to stay in control, and depression permeates on some level until we are moved to accept our loss. This is not a linear process and we can travel back and forth on this continuum for an indefinite period, hopefully eventually coming to a place of acceptance. Acceptance, like forgiveness, does not mean that we have to like or approve of the change we are facing; we just need to acknowledge reality and come to terms with it.

Breathe in
Breathe out
Take in what we need
Let go of what is done

For Tango, RIP

April Tidbit: The Super Power of Curiosity

4/4/2021

Not everybody is aware that curiosity is a Super Power. While it cannot literally enable you to leap from tall buildings, it can facilitate some mighty figurative leaps, overcoming attitudes that keep us feeling stuck, depressed, or mired in repetitive self destructive behaviors. Curiosity is the lubrican of imagination, creativity and change and can help us overcome postures and behaviors that inhibit desired growth and change.

Fear of the unknown often stops us in our tracks; it inhibits love, adventure and pleasure. Whether it is related to fear of failure, a sense of forthcoming doom, or is residue from trauma experience, the willingess to become curious can free us to explore new pathways. “By replacing fear of the unknown with curiosity we open ourselves up to an infinite stream of possibility. We can let fear rule our lives or we can become childlike with curiosity, pushing our boundaries, leaping out of our comfort zones, and accepting what life puts before us.” (Alan Watts)

Arrogance is the attitude of being better than, of having all the answers. Often a coping mechanism to cover feelings of inadequacy, arrogance tends isolate and limit one's ability to learn new things. In many ways arrogance is the exact opposite of curiosity, so cultivating curiosity brings balance and improved mental health to those suffering from arrogance. Asking other people about themselves leads to closer relationships, and choosing to investigate how something works without judgement offers new knowledge. Posing questions and listening to the answers invites the mind to explore new possibilities and encourages flexibility of thought.

Apathy and boredom: "I don’t care” is the passive theme song with these two, whether they are the result of learned helplessness or depression or frustration. Curiosity is active, it propels us to deeper engagement and taking an interest in what happens next stimulates the muscles of our mind. What would it be like if you did care? What would happen if you did this…. or that? Satirist Dorothy Parker wrote: “The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity."

Limiting beliefs are mental blockages that keep us in familiar routines and give us illusions of certainty and security. We are are not born with beliefs, they are similar to software programs that have been installed. What would happen if you chose to use a different program, install a different belief? Acting as if you believe something that gives you a new repertoire of response is a tool that has been successful in generating change for many.

The experience of being curious releases the feel-good chemical dopamine and activates the hippocampus, a complex brain structure that plays a major role in learning and memory. There are studies that indicate curiosity can delay the onset of mental deteriorations such as Altzheimers, as curiosity stimulates neuroplasticity, the ability of neural networks in the brain to grow and reorganize, to modify and adapt to experiences.

May you be forever curious.

March Tidbit: Simple Ways to Make Life Better

3/4/2021

1. Spend a few minutes each day making breath a conscious act and breathe through your nose rather than your mouth. Every breath is an energy exchange with the world around us and it is literally the most important thing that we do. In his book simply titled Breath, James Nestor explores the history and impact of how we breathe and its relationship to modern disease, offering simple breathing exercises to improve health and wellbeing. Breath is a direct link between our conscious and unconscious operating systems, and it can be a powerful tool for change, physically and mentally.

2. If something is bothering you, look at it from a variety of different perspectives. Be curious, don’t judge or jump to conclusions. "For every event in life there are many different angles. When you look at the same event from a wider perspective your sense of worry and anxiety reduces and you have greater joy” from the Book of Joy, conversations with the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu. Challenge what you think you know about a situation and ask questions, do research. “The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common: they don’t alter their views to fit the facts; they alter the facts to fit their views.” (Doctor Who)

3. Listen with open ears and mind. Most communication problems and conflicts are actually due to a listening problem. Sometimes we can be triggered by a word or phrase, jump to judgement in our own thoughts, and lose the both the content and context of what someone is saying. Or we listen impatiently and inaccurately waiting for our chance to speak. Instead, try listening with the single agenda of understanding another person’s point of view. Psychologist Carl Rogers once said, “A person’s real need, a most terrible need, is for someone to listen…not as a ‘patient’ but as a human soul.” To listen well is to respond to a great human yearning and helps to heal the world.

4. Do something nice for someone every day. Smile, wave, thank, listen, donate, make a phone call, volunteer, pick up trash, be of service in some way, shape or form, no matter how small. One very powerful kindness is to let go of judging yourself and others. Tikkun Olam is Hebrew for “repair the world” and each act of kindness you do adds one more speck of compassion and love to the world.

February Tidbit: Stress and Happiness

2/1/2021

Stress and happiness have a very powerful common denominator: the way you perceive them them largely determines the impact they have on you. Dr. Richard Lazarus* of UC Berkeley purported that people tend to make an automatic and frequently unconscious assessment of what is happening to them and what it means. He believed stress levels have less to do with a person's actual situation than with how the person perceives his or her ability to deal with it, and suggested that we consider stress as a "transaction between a person and their environment". If someone believes the situation is beyond their resources or is going to cause serious harm, the experience is more damaging than if it is seen as a challenge or opportunity.

Since our beliefs, conscious and unconscious, shape our perceptions, I use the term “perception screens” to identify the way we see what is going on around us in the present moment. While similar to the larger “world view” concept, perception screens can more easily be changed in the moment by reframing the experience and having the willingness to consider a different point of view. Thinking “I can’t handle this” is a perception screen that will exacerbate our experience of stress, while reframing with “This is a big challenge and I can ask for help if I need it” will moderate the experience. Changing the perception screen by reframing the stress in a way that makes it seem more manageable allows us to feel better and more easily utilize available resources to move forward.

On a similar note, happiness studies conducted by psychologists Sonja Lyubomirsky, David Lykken, and Auke Tellegen determined that the way we process our circumstances is more important than the circumstances themselves. In their research, "an external factor like income level or money in the bank, accounts for (only) about 10% of your long-term happiness”, according to Michelle Wax, founder of the American Happiness Project. Since our mindset about circumstances determines our degree of happiness more than the specific events, it is important to notice our thoughts and how they affect our feelings. If we respond to a windfall or a blessing with appreciation and gratitude our happiness is magnified, while thoughts such as “it won’t last” or “I don’t deserve this” limit our happiness.

Because core beliefs underly our thinking process, it can be challenging to try on a new perception screen (or even recognize an unconscious one that is shaping our experiences). A positive reframe might feel like an untruth until we remind ourselves that beliefs are not facts; they are based on choices we have made, choices that at one point in our lives might have been essential to our survival, but perhaps are no longer valid. Building a positive mindset based on choices made in the present can reduce the impact of stress, optimize your happiness quota, channel your resilience and even increase your energy levels. Talking with someone you trust can help shift your perceptions to a more useful viewpoint when you feel stuck or overwhelmed.

*Richard S. Lazarus, PhD, (1922-2002) was a professor emeritus of psychology at the University of California, Berkeley and was a pioneer in the study of emotion and stress and their relationship to thoughts.