Conversations For Change - Monthly Tidbits

Conversations For Change

November Tidbit: Gratitudes New and Old

11/10/2020

Some of you may remember the story of the family who cut the ends off their holiday ham before putting it in the oven, a tradition that dated back generations. It wasn’t until a curious daughter questioned her mother, grandmother, and great grandmother about this ritual that it was revealed that the original matriarch who started the practice had a baking pan that was too small to hold the ham without cutting its ends. Most of our holiday rituals have their roots in the past, and this holiday season we are acutely aware that we are no longer living in the relative safety of that past.

A key factor in many challenges that arise during the holidays is balancing the struggle between the ego’s desire to get what we want and the best interests of the family as a whole. This conflict between the desire of the individual and the needs of the whole has surely been an issue in our country as of late, and the holidays will bring that home to us in new ways as we are faced with hard decisions about how to celebrate with family and friends. As COvid19 cases continue to soar in number, the heart’s desire of gathering extended family and friends can have serious consequences and may prove not to be in the best interest of the family, the community, or humanity. While traditions may support such gatherings, we need to look at whether those traditions may be like cutting the ends off the ham, no longer appropriate to the present time. And when old traditions no longer work, it is time to start new ones. Sharing the love doesn’t necessarily mean sharing the same space.

One way of sharing love with family members and friends who live elsewhere is to have extended conversations about gratitude. On Thanksgiving we often share our appreciation for our current blessings, and perhaps we could expand that conversation to include what we are so grateful to have experienced in our lives. Sort of a reverse bucket list, each taking turns to describe an experience that brought us amazing joy, or an accomplishment that made us proud, or an event that we are so glad to have been able to participate in. These might include a special relationship, the manifestation of a professional or personal goal, some small moment that had exceptional meaning, an opportunity to be of service, a valuable lesson, a spiritual awakening…. Make your list ahead of time and choose to share what seems most relevant in the moment. Improve your listening skills and give the gift of your full attention to those you love while expanding your intimate knowledge of each other. It could become a new holiday tradition.

October Tidbit: Heal the World

10/13/2020

2020 has been a year of dis-ease. The most obvious is of course the Covid19 pandemic, but the lack of ease runs deeper and has been more damaging than we might like to admit. The impact of loss of health, homes, employment, social intimacy casts a deep shadow over our ability to feel whole. While we may continue to cope, the price is often burying emotions which may later emerge as outbursts of anger, depression, fear, or addiction. If you google "heal the world", you will get a pop song and good practical advice on recycling, conservation, soil management, but not much on how to work with emotions and improve conflict resolution in order to reduce wars, global retaliation, political instability, and racial unrest.

So where do we start? Just as an airline attendant urges you to put your oxygen mask on before helping others, to heal the world we need begin with ourselves. A good place to start with most things that go awry is to go back to the basics. Fundamental is good nutrition, exercise, and sleep, things that we often let slide when feeling stressed.

Back in the days before technology, people connected with what was around them for healing. Plants were medicine, fresh air and healthy foods were recommended by healers, a walk-about or spirit quest might be prescribed for restoration and resolution of problems. In modern times it is easy to lose connection with the natural world and get caught up in fear, external events, distractions and unhealthy choices. Making good choices is key to restoring balance and harmony. One way to determine if your choices are good for you is to consciously evaluate each decision as to whether it takes you closer to your goals or further away.

Other ways to support emotional health:
--Let it be OK to feel what you are feeling. Talk to someone who is available to listen without judging, or write about your feelings without self judgement. Take your time and don’t be afraid of them. They are just feelings, just a form of energy that can be transformed if you make changes in how you manage them. Learn that you are not alone in your feelings, even though you might feel that way.
--Get support for whatever issues bother you. Talk with family and friends to receive and offer comfort and support. Online Zoom “rooms” offer experience, strength and hope for many issues. Build community wherever you may safely find it.
--Be of service and be kind. Offer to run an errand for a neighbor who doesn’t go out much. Sincerely thank servers. Practice listening with full attention when others talk. Take a bag to the beach or the park and pick up trash. Google “how to volunteer during a pandemic” if you have time for deeper community involvement (and perhaps expand your definition of community).
--Reduce anxiety: Limit media exposure, and remember to breath deeply. Taking a longer exhale than inhale calms the mind and the body. Read material and watch shows that are inspirational. Use your tools: finger holds, meditation, EFT tapping, cognitive restructuring. Sit or walk in nature, take a warm bath. Keep a gratitude journal and actively look for things to appreciate.
--Make time to what you love (and find safe ways to do it if prevailing conditions necessitate) Don’t forget to honor your creativity: paint, draw, write, sing…..
--Ask for help if you need it. Remember that letting others help you also helps them feel better.
--Live in the now and be vigilant and calm about your health and safety.

Becoming more aware of our behaviors and our thoughts can help us connect more fully with our environment and integrate more healthier practices into our lives. When we pay attention to what we put into our minds, our bodies, our spirit, and choose wholesome actions, we can restore our sense of wellbeing and add some wellness to the world.

September Tidbit: Transitions

9/18/2020

As autumn nears we are reminded that life is about transitions. Things change. The world moves on, sometimes so gradually that we do not notice (or we ignore) the subtlety of the shifts, as can occur with addiction or climate change. Other times there are cataclysmic changes: hurricanes, wars, riots, pandemics, wildfires, earthquakes. And sometimes too much seems to happen at once.

Change involves both losses and gains. We have all had losses due to the pandemic and grief abounds, frequently manifesting in anger and denial, two potent stages of the grieving process. Change brings gains as well as losses, and choosing to focus on positive aspects can improve how we manage our emotions and the way we interact with others and the planet. A friend once emailed me two line poem by Rumi that shifted my perspective and was helpful in moving me through a devastating loss:
“The barn burned down.
Now I can see the moon.”

We need to acknowledge our grief and anger, but not make them our default positions. Dwelling on situations we are powerless over only increases our anxiety. Where our power lies is in the thoughts we choose, the attitude we adopt about what is happening, and the actions we take. Acceptance is also part of the grief process and to get there we need to let go of believing that things should be the way they used to be. And while it often takes considerable effort to intentionally choose a new perspective and direction, it opens us to new possibilities of healing, joy, and appreciation.

“Times of transition are strenuous but I love them. They are an opportunity to purge, rethink priorities, and be intentional about new habits. We can make our new normal any way we want.” Kristin Armstrong (three-time Olympic Gold Medalist)

August Tidbit: Perception and Choices

8/5/2020

Knowledge is an accumulation of memory and is rooted in history rather than in the present moment. And because it is past oriented it can interfere with our ability to really see what is around us right now. If we think we already know what is there our vision is constricted by those thoughts. And because there is both ego involvement and unconscious attachment to “being right” we often tend to rely on knowledge more than awareness. Knowledge is extremely valuable, but it is the combination of knowledge, awareness, and curiosity that allows wonders to unfold.

If we can find a way to keep our perception unadulterated by our fears and assumptions, we might be able to see more clearly and make better decisions. A huge percentage of our thoughts are repetitive and therefore limit us to the patterns of living that we already know, sometimes referred to as "the same old same old”. We might be better able to see the beauty and the truth of what surrounds us if we could stop thinking about it for a moment, and just observe and be fully present. Some mornings as I am driving on a causeway bridge at sunrise I am struck so strongly by the beauty of the light on the water that my thoughts are wiped away and I can only perceive and appreciate. Fortunately my unconscious mind takes over the driving, and I am granted a moment of bliss that seems to make my whole day better.

There is a story about Marlin Perkins of “Wild Kingdom” fame and his wife Carol, who did not fully share Marlin’s passion for being up close and personal with animals. According to the story, one evening on an expedition in Africa, Carol was preparing for bed when a large lizard ran up her body and down her arm. Her response was to scream in terror and become very upset. Once he had comforted and soothed his wife, Marlin’s response was to offer her a reframe of the experience: “Honey, think how lucky you were to see him up close”.

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” Albert Einstein

July Tidbit: The Power Of Small

7/5/2020

There is a story about the USS Constitution, also known as “Old Ironsides’, that illustrates the power of small steps and creative thinking. During the war of 1812, the frigate found itself becalmed near several British ships. Without wind, she could not sail away and though much of the British fire fell short, the danger was great. Captain Issac Hull sent out small boats carrying anchors to the far reach of the anchor lines, dropped them into the water and then winched the anchors to slowly pull the Constitution a short distance each time. The size of his ship blocked much of these actions from view and by the time the British realized what he was doing, he had gained enough distance to make his safe escape when the winds returned.

When we feel powerless, it is easy to give into despair or anger, to look for someone or something to blame, or even to slip into denial of reality. What if instead we follow the example of Captain Hull and look for small things we can do that move us in the direction we want to go? While it is important to know your long term goals, achievable small steps are often what get us there. Original thinking, believed to be somewhat rare in human thought patterns, nourishes us and fosters transformative actions. Challenges can push us to “think outside the box”, to transform the interplay of thoughts and feelings that define our experiences and the eventual outcomes. Let your current challenges stimulate your mind to recognize small steps that lead to great possibilities.

June Tidbit: Curious in Quarantine

6/4/2020

Many of us are experiencing symptoms from the isolating aspect of Covid19. These may express as irritability, apathy, fear, apprehension, restlessness, boredom, difficulty concentration, lethargy, weight gain or loss, difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much. There is even a name for this syndrome: Quarantine Fatigue, and it is a now common reaction to the loss of our social interaction, daily structure and activities, and for some of us, extreme changes in our livelihoods. We are dealing with uncertainty, grief, and powerlessness, three of the most challenging experiences that come with being human.

One of my best remedies for this is to cultivate curiosity and imagination. Think back to when you were a kid and were full of questions, like “Why is the sky blue?” or “How do birds fly?”. Did those questions ever get answered to your satisfaction? What other questions do you have? While we don’t have control over the thoughts that pop into our heads, we do have control over which ones we continue to give attention. Notice the thoughts that make you feel “off” and replace them with curious thoughts. You could take a remote class in something you are interested in. Lots of colleges are offering online summer classes, many of which are interactive. Not only will you enrich yourself, you’ll also be supporting education. If money is an issue, use your search engine to explore “free online courses”, and be amazed at what’s available. Or be an autodidact and do research yourself about esoteric ideas or common everyday things. Learn how to use your local library’s resources or how to Zoom or Google Meet to stay connected.

Be curious about yourself and others. Ask questions of your friends and family and write about your own experiences. Write or ask about what you wanted to be when you were 10 years old, or your first love, how your parents met, the most important thing you have ever learned. Write about whether you were content with yourself and your life before quarantine, who was your most influential teacher, what gives meaning to your life, your favorite animal, your happiest day, a person who changed your life, the silliest thing you ever did….. These days abound with opportunities for self awareness and intimacy….oh, and what does intimacy mean? Write about that.

“Curiosity has its own reason for existence. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality.“ Albert Einstein

In 1946 Viktor Frankl wrote Man’s Search For Meaning, a book resulting from his experiences as a prisoner in a Nazi concentration camp, a situation that is perhaps the epitome of uncertainty, grief, and powerlessness. He emphasized the human need to find meaning in life as the most powerful motivator and driving force, and described his methods of using his mind and imagination to find strength in adversity.This inspirational book has sold over 10 million copies in 24 languages and is still widely available, a valuable resource if you are struggling to finding meaning in your life today.

Just as we cannot go back to when we were 20 years old, we can’t go back to the way things were before this virus came into our lives. But we can focus on creating what it is that we want to have using our imagination. Frankl observed that how a prisoner imagined his future determined his longevity. What do you want your future to look like? What do you want to carry with you into the future? What do you want to do differently?

May Tidbit: Bigger On The Inside

5/2/2020

A valuable thing I learned in drama therapy is how expanding your repertoire can facilitate health and healing. Humans tend to establish habits, and long term habits, whether they are behaviors or thoughts, can become well worn ruts. By trying new behaviors, exploring different perspectives, and adopting new beliefs we can create changes that allow us more positive choices.

Overthinking is a common habit. Humans tend to think constantly even when we are not aware we are thinking. This is a reason meditation can be difficult; it puts us in a position of becoming aware of the hundreds of thoughts that flood our brain, some of which we would rather not acknowledge. It is this constant flow of thoughts that sometimes keeps us awake at night, can cause us to misplace our car keys, and interferes with our ability to really listen to other people.

While we are currently in a pandemic situation that limits our activities and seems to make our lives smaller, it also offers an opportunity to expand our internal life by shifting our focus from thinking (both conscious and unconscious) to awareness. Paying attention to what is around us instead of living inside our heads also might save us considerable grief during this crisis: if we can’t remember where we put our keys, how aware are we of what we are coming in contact with during the day?

Becoming aware is a first step in constructive change; when followed by inhibiting whatever it is that we don’t want, and then choosing to do something different that leads us in a better direction, we create a strong foundation for desired change. Recognition, inhibition and redirection can work with thoughts, behaviors, and feelings, and it can open doors into a much larger space than where we usually live.

“There’s always something to look at if you open your eyes!” Doctor Who
"I am bigger on the inside…" Amanda Palmer

April Tidbit: Survival Guide for Unprecedented Situations

4/3/2020

During stressful times, it is helpful to remember to open our toolboxes. Inside we may find some ways to help make things better:

1. Fingerholds to manage emotions: This is a tool to restore the flow of energy necessary to transform and balance our feelings when they become unmanageable. When that energy gets stuck or constricted it can feel overwhelming. This technique can provide immediate relief. To use these finger holds to restore emotional balance, refer to the photo below and gently and firmly hold the finger associated with the strong emotion you are feeling in the opposite hand for a few moments as you breath slowly and deeply. I like to visualize the finger hold completing an energy circle that brings back a sense of harmony and flow to the body. It doesn't matter which hand you use and it might be helpful to simply recognize and acknowledge the strong or disturbing emotions you are holding in order to let them transform. You may feel a steady, rhythmic pulse and a sense of movement. Perhaps think about inhaling what you need and exhaling what no longer serves you. Allow yourself to relax a little more with each breath, and feel the movement of energy.

2. In the words of Ram Dass, remember to “Be here now”. Fear only exists in anticipation of the future, in thinking about what might happen. Keeping our thoughts focused in the present allows a greater sense of ease. We of course need to plan and prepare for the future, but not live there in our heads. Our minds often being like wild horses, it is sometimes necessary to stop our runaway thinking and actively redirect our attention to the moment.

3. Cultivate that attitude of gratitude. Focus on what is good right now, and keep it simple and basic. After two surgeries on my lower extremities, I am grateful every day that I can walk. During my walks I focus on the beauty of the sky, the breeze, the majesty of the Indian River, the flower at the side of the road, the dragonflies of spring. Remember that everything is impermanent (“This too shall pass…”), so appreciating what we have today creates a habit of gratitude that can outlast most things. Writing your gratitudes or establishing a specific time of day to review them helps grow the habit.

4. Make time for hygge, a Swedish word for coziness and comfort. An important part of staying healthy is providing self-comfort, relaxation, and enjoyment. Whether it is curling up with a good book, watching a favorite movie, massaging your hands or feet, meditation, prayer, a cup of tea or hot chocolate, or whatever allows you a sense of well being, include some hygge in your day. Remember to breathe fully and deeply; our breath mirrors our emotional state, and connects conscious and subconscious. Slow deep breathing relieves anxiety and invites calm relaxation. Laughter provides psychological and physiological benefits, so maybe choose a comedy to watch, or phone someone who makes you laugh.

5. Exercise! Some of your usual forms of exercise may not be available at present so be creative. There is a plethora of videos online to help you create or maintain a practice of yoga, address specific physical issues, develop an aerobic workout, use dance routines to strengthen your body and mind, do Pilates, Cardio Fitness, breathing exercises, Laughter Yoga …… If you have ever thought about starting an at home exercise practice, now is a great time. Explore and create a wellness routine that keeps you healthy, fit and strong.

6. Be kind. To yourself. To others. Express appreciation. Stay connected while being socially responsible. Use your phone, smile and wave, give air hugs across a safe distance, send loving energy, and be open to receiving any positive influence sent to you.

"May you have a strong foundation when the winds of changes shift”.
Bob Dylan

March Tidbit: Strengthening Relationships

3/5/2020

Allowing influence refers to the practice of respect for another's opinions and feelings by listening with an open mind rather than being defensive, discounting or argumentative. Whether it is a professional relationship, friendship, or romantic partnership, accepting another’s influence strengthens relationship. It does not mean you have to necessarily agree or acquiesce to another's point of view; it is simply acknowledging their value and importance, and providing the opportunity for their input to influence decisions that affect the relationship. It is a sharing of power and connection, that according to research by psychologist and author John Gottman, is an important cornerstone in a healthy relationship.

To allow influence, it is helpful to surrender the ego based “me" versus “you" position in favor of “us”, recognizing that when one person in a relationship “wins” or has all the power, both really lose. Research indicates this is most challenging for people who are uncomfortable sharing power for fear of being out of control. One extreme of disallowing influence is bullying, often with verbal or physical abuse. Gottman notes that men tend to have a more difficult time allowing influence as they have often been culturally scripted to be strong, to seek power and control. Those who grew up with fathers who bullied or were abusive have even more challenges in this arena. Motivation for change includes professional success with more effective leadership as well as more harmonious personal relationships.

“… men who allow their wives to influence them have happier marriages, and are less likely to divorce than men who resist their wives’ influence. Statistically speaking, when a man is not willing to share power with his partner, there is an 81% chance that his marriage will self-destruct.” (J. Gottman)

Suggestions for improving one’s ability to allow influence begin with taking an honest look at how you resolve conflict. This process is similar to the “fearless and searching moral inventory” as practiced in 12 Step Recovery, and requires that same willingness to look at things about yourself that you would rather not see. A review of this inventory is best done with another person to help with self awareness and acceptance. The next step is making a commitment to include accepting influence as part of your relationships, and then working with someone knowledgeable who supports your efforts to change how you respond to situations. The concept of "surrender to win” can be helpful in application of new tools, and the rewards of developing these skills include gaining power and respect rather than losing it. Increased happiness is a common side effect.

February Tidbit: Happiness

2/9/2020

Frequently clients have stated “I just want to be happy” when I ask them to describe their goals. And often when I asked what that would look like I got a blank stare. Sometimes we don’t know what it is; we just know it is missing. In her book, The How of Happiness, Sonja Lyubomirsky describes happiness as “the experience of joy, contentment, or positive well-being, combined with a sense that one’s life is good, meaningful, and worthwhile.” But what generates that experience of happiness for us?

Author Andy Puddicombe wrote, "For some reason we’ve come to believe that happiness should be the default setting in life and therefore, anything different is somehow wrong. Based to this assumption, we tend to resist the source of unhappiness….physically, mentally and emotionally. It is usually at this stage that things get complicated. Life can being to feel like a chore and an endless struggle to chase and maintain that feeling of happiness. We get hooked on the temporary rush of pleasure of a new experience, whatever that is, and then need to feed it the whole time. It doesn’t matter whether we feed it with food, drink, drugs, clothes cars, relationships, work or even the peace and quiet of the countryside. If we become dependent on it for our happiness, then we're trapped. What happens when we can’t have it anymore? And what happens when the excitement wears off?"

One answer might be to bring more joy and excitement into everyday life rather than always needing the anticipation of something new. But how do we make the mundane feel joyful? The other morning while having my coffee, I glanced over at my sofa and had a small rush of happiness about the exquisite perfection of the pillow resting on it. The pillow had a washable linen and cotton cover printed with seashells and coral, the coral perfectly matching the color of the couch, and it was filled with feathers….. all of my favorite pillow things in one pillow that I had unexpectedly found at a yard sale for $2. It was a small thing, a moment of joy and appreciation for something that I had, and it set the tone for my day. The beauty of a flower, the breeze through the window, watching the sunrise, listening to birdsong, morning coffee can also offer us moments of appreciation and gratitude. But that willingness to appreciate needs to come from inside of us, "an attitude of gratitude" to borrow a phrase from 12 Step Recovery. What if every day you allowed three (or more) things in your life to make you happy, opening yourself to fully to that experience of happiness even if it only lasts for a moment? And if you do that, I would love it if you would send me a text or email and let me know whether you think you are happier in your life for those small efforts, whether they improve your general “sense of positive-wellbeing" .

"Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get."
Dale Carnegie