Conversations For Change - Monthly Tidbits

Conversations For Change

January Tidbit: The Big Picture

1/15/2023

There is a story about a woman in NYC who missed her plane because the cab driver chose to use his GPS instead of her directions and they got stuck in a traffic jam for over an hour. She was upset and angry at the cab driver for not following her instructions, and when she realized she could not make her flight, she told him to just take her home. Once home, she was still fuming at her missed flight…. until she heard on the radio that the plane she was supposed to be on had crashed shortly after takeoff and all aboard were assumed dead. This dramatic scenario illustrates an interesting question: do we ever really see the Big Picture behind events?

Instead of reacting to events that upset us, we can make the conscious decision to choose to withhold judgment on situations and wait for more to be revealed. Assuming our perspective (that lousy cab driver!!) is the only correct one can lead us down a faulty and stressful path, alienate us from others, and give us a very skewed perspective. Push yourself beyond that first reactive thought. I’ve heard it said that any opinion made without having considered all the facts and all the different points of view is ill-informed. If we react out of pure emotion we increase our stress levels and lend energy to the illusionary belief that we are entitled to have things the way we want them. But if we can take a breath, gather information, think and feel, and then make a choice as to how to respond, we would significantly reduce our stress and improve health.

I try to be curious about things rather than judge them. Judgement does not lead to resolution; it is based on anger and fear. Curiosity invites information, understanding, observation, discovery, and can lead us down some interesting paths. Albert Einstein once described himself as having “no special talent. I am only passionately curious”. What would we see, what would we do, if we were more curious?

December Tidbit: Spiritual Gifts

12/4/2022

I once wrote about relationships as ways in which we resolve our own internal conflicts. That was a perspective I originally learned in the 80's and while I think there is still a tremendous amount of validity in that point of view, I have reframed that concept into viewing relationships more as spiritual opportunities.

It is in our relationships with others that we learn the spiritual lessons of acceptance, compassion, and forgiveness. While the experience of learning these lessons may initially evoke hurtful words and feelings of betrayal and abandonment, manipulation and control, it is these interactive experiences that lead us to the work necessary to balance our head, heart, and spirit. They stimulate our spiritual growth and give us the opportunity to become better people.

Often holiday family gatherings evoke behaviors that trigger old feelings of betrayal, abandonment or manipulation, perfect openings to practice our spiritual skills. When those feelings emerge, slow down, take a breath and remember you have choices of how to respond. While we cannot control the behavior of others, our point of power is in how we responds to them (which sometimes does stimulate the desired change). Perhaps the best present you can give your loved ones is your gift of love, compassion and forgiveness, a gift that will benefit both you and your beloveds. One working definition of spirituality is being in harmony with yourself and the world around you, and perhaps that harmony is the best present of all, one that may even help spread peace into the world. As Elizabeth Gilbert wrote in Eat, Pray, Love: “...if even one or two souls can be free from discord, they will increase the general health of the whole world, the way a few healthy cells in a body can increase the general health of the body.” Let this holiday season be one of peace, forgiveness and love, in your home, your heart, and perhaps if we can generate an abundance of these spiritual gifts, it will indeed spread to people and places in the world that need it most.

November Tidbit: Mistakes

11/10/2022

I like talking about mistakes because I think they are really misunderstood in our culture. Even extraordinary people make mistakes. It is how we respond to those mistakes that defines and shapes us.

Common ways people respond when they make mistakes:

1. Get angry at themselves

2. Blame someone else

3. Look at what can be learned from the mistake

4. Pretend nothing happened

5. Forgive and move on

6. Give up if you can’t do it right the first time

7. Try again with careful attention

8. Feel shame

Which applies to you and how well does that response serve you? What would it take for you to choose a different response? There seems to be an overcast of shame that may people experience at the thought of mistakes. Choosing to recognize that mistakes are how we learn and discover new things can make the experience of making a mistake more proactive. Many of us were punished for making mistakes when we were children. While of course that makes an imprint on our subconscious, it is important to remember that we are no longer children and that we are no longer at the mercy of whomever levied that power. Living in the past rarely serves us well. And while some mistakes can be devastating, most are not. It is important to make good choices and changing your belief about the value of mistakes might help in changing your response to them, allowing you to feel better, have better relationships, and maybe even discover something important. “The only sure way to avoid making a mistake is to have no new ideas.” (Albert Einstein)

Amazing things that were discovered when someone made a mistake:
Penicillin
Inkjet printers
Pacemakers
Xrays
Chocolate chip cookies

If you make a mistake that hurts someone, by all means make amends. ‘Amend’ literally means 'to change' and perhaps the best amend is to stop doing whatever it was you did that caused pain. Your ability to make that change is enhanced by numbers 3, 5, and 7 above, while the others tend to be 'conversations for no change' and reinforce the status quo. As we approach Thanksgiving, we might choose to be grateful for the mistakes that have taught new things and maybe even saved our lives.

October Tidbit: Set Your Mind Free

10/10/2022

Most of us have a tendency to interpret things in reference to what we already know, using familiar patterns of thought and behavior. This learning style can make it difficult to learn something that is absolutely foreign to us, another language for example. While this “auto-pilot” setting can be very helpful when we are tying our sneakers or driving home, it sometimes leads us to think that things have to be a certain way and sets us unconsciously making them be that way … even when we say that isn’t what we want.

Instead of thinking "it is always this way" or "this always happens to me", look at a situation in terms of what is different from the way your mind habitually sees it and focus on that little piece that is new. Allow yourself to notice when and how you get stuck in a certain way of thinking and look for ways to change your perspective, to set your mind free from a well worn path and give it rein to actually think and discover, to be curious. It is helpful to let go of the need to be right and choose instead to surrender to an unknown in order to learn something new. While this can be uncomfortable, it also makes us more teachable and opens us to possibilities of change. If a scientist believes something is true and sets about to prove it, she is likely to contaminate her research by what she sees and does not see in accordance with her belief system. If a scientist asks a question and sets out with curiosity to discover how something works, her mind and eyes are more willing to allow her to see what is actually there.

Some simple ways to open your mind:
-Do little things differently : ie, if you always put your right shoe on first start with the left. Even small things begin to shift our awareness.
-Be curious about other’s point of view: ask questions and listen attentively to the answers
-Get up 10 minutes early in the morning and use that time to do something outside your routine. Write in a journal, take a short walk, meditate, do some stretching exercise…use your imagination.
- Pick a subject you know little about and read about it
-Take a class and learn something new : yoga, ChiGong, cooking, crafts, gardening, woodworking, basic anatomy, technology …..

Cultivate curiosity to keep your mind functioning at its optimum. Things that are not used tend to get dusty, so activate your thinking process in new ways to keep it clean and sharp.

September Tidbit : Mental Shapeshifting

9/19/2022

“The irony of the Information Age is that it has given new respectability to uninformed opinion.” Michael Crichton

We are offered an amazing amount of misinformation on the internet and television. Opinion is often presented as fact, short term solutions are offered without regard to long term consequences, agendas are hidden beneath seductive words, and brand marketing seems more important than providing factual information. To get beyond these pretty propagandas, we need to use our ability to think, to reason, to use imagination and creativity to improve our ability to make good decisions, both personally and globally.

Humans are resistant to accepting information that goes against what they want to see or hear, and judgement and anger are common fear based reactions to avoid facing ideas that don’t fit our world view. We’ve all experienced denial, an unconscious defense mechanism that attempts to protect us from unpleasant knowledge. Denial can allow us to survive trauma; its purpose is to give us time to adjust to distressing circumstances. The loss of a loved one, combat situations, emotional or physical overwhelm are examples of experiences that can be more manageable with a respite granted by denial. But staying in denial, allowing it to become chronic, can prevent us from taking necessary action to deal with situations or even recognizing that we might need to see things beyond our current perception. It can limit our vision to only one point of view, and hinder our ability to solve problems. As Einstein once said, “Problems cannot be solved with the same mindset that created them.” We are all involved in a complex culture of denial, perhaps now more than ever as we deal with changes resulting from the pandemic, climate change, and resulting political and social unrest.

The most profound way to address denial is to choose to open your mind to possibility and become willing to discuss situations honestly without resorting to aggression. “Discussions are always better than arguments, because an argument is to find out who is right, and a discussion is to find our what is right.” (Tinybuddha.com ) Putting aside ego and cultivating curiosity rather than judgement can open venues of thought that lead to resolutions and support productive relationships. Comments like "Isn’t that interesting?” and questions like "How does that work? What was learned from that? What happens next?" have lead to some of our greatest discoveries, moving us forward instead of sparking conflict. Be curious, ask questions, think, learn. 🤔

August Tidbit: Rumination

8/14/2022

Have you ever gotten a thought stuck in your head? Maybe ruminating on something you wish you had said in a conversation, or worrying about the outcome of something, or maybe a particular memory that seems to be haunting you? Rumination is going over something repetitively without doing anything about it, and it can be really annoying, like a song stuck in your head that you can’t seem to shake loose. Rumination is different than problem solving, different than day dreaming. Problem solving involves formulating a plan and taking action. Daydreaming allows our creativity to explore options and fantasies that open our mind and exercise our thought processes. Rumination is like being glued in a rocking chair: a lot of agitation but we don’t go anywhere.

To move out of rumination, recognize that you are stuck in a loop. Ask yourself "Is this a good time to be thinking about this?" Sometimes our minds seem to grab onto a topic and run with it at the most inopportune times, often in the middle of the night. Make a committed appointment with yourself for a better time to sit with this concern. At the designated time, sit down with a notepad and and make a list of options, develop an action plan, or maybe even come to the decision to just let it go.

Another question to ask yourself is whether you are avoiding something. Does thinking about this thing give you the illusion of doing something useful that allows you to avoid doing something you would rather not do? Rumination, like worry, can be a technique of procrastination, so it is helpful to get honest with yourself.

Make a decision about how much time you are willing to give to this issue. Set a limit and set a timer. When the alarm goes off, go do something else that does not allow you to indulge in rumination. Talk to a friend or choose an activity that requires your full attention. The Alexander Technique calls this 'inhibition and redirection', consciously choosing to do something different to break a pattern and it is a powerful tool for change.

Practice meditation techniques to learn to quiet your mind. Focus on your breathing, channel your thoughts where you want them. When your mind wanders, gently bring it back to the chosen thought. Do this as many times as it takes to bring your mind to a peaceful place.

Try a tapping protocol. The Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) is one that involves bring the body and mind together and can be easily learned and added to your tool box. The set up might start “Even tho I can’t stop thinking about this…..”

Talk with a trusted person to explore underlying issues. Powerlessness, fear, anger, internal conflict, habits, self doubt, ego, identity, control issues, self esteem are frequent foundations for looping thoughts. Better understanding the process may help you find opportunities to break the pattern.

“Rumination tends to be eased if we learn to be mindful;
if we are able to be aware of, and understand how our own thoughts work.”
Peter Kinderman,
Professor of Clinical Psychology at the University of Liverpool

July Tidbit: Listening for Understanding

7/17/2022

Thomas Gordon once said that every sentence has three meanings: what the speaker intends to convey, what the listener hears, and what the words actually mean. One of the primary skills to improve relationships is the ability to listen for understanding during conversations. This often involves asking what another person meant by their choice of words instead of making an assumption or anticipating what comes next. Sometimes people have trouble asking those kinds of question, perhaps out of discomfort with their own feelings, wanting to be heard themselves, thinking they already have the answers, and / or fear of being seen as stupid.

People who are afraid or angry often misinterpret the words of others to make them fit their own belief system. They are not interested in what the other person really means, they are only interested in being justified for their own beliefs. You may hear this in news reports or political debates where someone takes a sentence out of context and builds a campaign around their interpretation of the sentence and pass it off as truth. This also happens in interpersonal relationships and usually leads to communication breakdown. “Ain’t no point in talking when there’s nobody listening” sang Rod Stewart in Young Turks.

Active listening skills can improve personal and professional relationships, increase self esteem, resolve conflicts peaceably, and open hearts and minds. Invitations to elaborate (“tell me more”) and open ended questions (“what happened next?”) indicate a desire to understand and invite more honest communication, increasing the odds of avoiding conflict in the first place. People want to be heard. Agreeing with some (however small) part of truth in another’s statement lets them know you are really listening. Articles and video clips on attentive listening abound on the internet and July 18 has been declared World Listening Day; let’s celebrate with open ears.

“You have two ears and one mouth. Use them accordingly.” Stephen Covey, author of 'Seven Habits of Highly Effective People'

June Tidbit: Influence

6/15/2022

Six years ago I wrote about lessons learned from a puppy adopted from the pound. That dog, Ruby, continues to teach me as well as keep me entertained. A recent lesson is about the powerful influence of the company we keep.

Ruby grew up in rural northern California and had not had much exposure to the extremes of thunder, lightning and fireworks that are so prevalent in Florida, so her first summer here had her unnerved. Like most dogs, the sudden and repetitive noise and light of explosions made her jumpy and upset. One Fourth of July we went to see friends who lived with five cats. Ruby was raised by a cat named Bob and has always been fond of felines so she was delighted to have five cats to follow around. The first loud firework explosion made her jump and shake…. until she noticed that all five cats were nonchalantly grooming, lapping water, or playing, not paying any attention to the fireworks. I wish I could have gotten a photo of the expression on Ruby’s face. And in just a few heartbeats, Ruby had stopped trembling and was back playing with the cats, fireworks forgotten. To this day she is pretty much ok with thunder and fireworks, altho she does sometimes bark at the really loud ones.

We all have experience with the phenomenon of peer influence. It may be labeled as public opinion, political correctness, conformity, peer pressure, mob mentality (pitch forks and lanterns!), social influencing, group think ….. all terms for the powerful impact our society exerts upon us. Epigenetics is an area of scientific research that explores how environmental influences effect the expression of genes. Research into the concept of "soft inheritance”, a passing on of learned traits or behaviors that might actually become encoded in our DNA, suggests that a person’s experience actually generates molecular changes in the brain. Does that mean that if Ruby had puppies they would not be afraid of lightening or thunder even without her physical presence calming them? There are more questions than answers about this issue, but one thing is clear: we are social creatures and the influence of those around us is strong and often beneath our awareness. Increased consciousness of this phenomenon might allow us to avoid unfortunate behavior by intentionally choosing more positive influences.

"The people you spend time with influence your attitude and thoughts more than you think.”
Fuad Alakbarov, human rights activist and photojournalist

June 15th, 2022

6/15/2022

May Tidbit: Laughter

5/7/2022

Humor has been identified as a factor in the development of personal resilience and health. Laughter releases endorphins and the increase of oxygen resulting from laughter nourishes and stimulates heart, lung and muscles. It encourages optimism, emotional management, relaxation and reduced stress, and is especially helpful during stressful times. Indigenous peoples across the globe have used humor to get through difficult situations. “I’ve heard my mother share heart-wrenching stories of her childhood and horrific events she’d faced — and in the same breath, she’ll have us bent-over laughing, struggling to catch our breath and trying not to pee our pants….she inherited her humor from a long line of wise-cracking Mohawks. Only in indigenous communities will funerals be some of the wildest, comical overnight celebrations.” Devery Jacobs

The first doctor to suggest that humor helps heal was probably Henri de Mondeville, a professor of surgery in the 1300s, who promoted the use of humor for post operative patients. Norman Cousins has written about his use of laughter to overcome serious illness. Dr. Madan Kataria, a family physician in Mumbai, India, came up with the concept of Laughing Yoga in the 1990s, a yoga practice that involves prolonged voluntary laughter. He believed that even learning to laugh on cue strengthens immune function, increases energy and helps you better manage hardship.

"Finding humour in stressful moments allows you to separate who you are from what you do," says Lois McElravy, who runs workshops on humor. "You may have done something stupid, but you’re not a stupid person.” We all do stupid things sometimes simply because we are human. Learning to laugh at ourselves instead of getting angry or judging our behavior decreases feelings of inadequacy and actually encourages positive change. (Please note that ridiculing laughter directed at another person in order to belittle them is a form of anger, not humor.)

Whether you like to watch comedies or animal antics, find ways to increase laughter in your day and notice how it affects your sense of wellbeing. Mel Brooks once said that "Life literally abounds in comedy if you just look around you”, so just keep your eyes open.

"If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane" Jimmy Buffett