Conversations For Change - Monthly Tidbits

Conversations For Change

June Tidbit: Finding Ease

6/13/2021

When we find ourselves in a situation that has us feeling uncomfortable there are two simple ways we can bring in some ease: getting more information and / or reframing how we think about it. The conversation in our head about what is going on shapes our feelings. And those conversations are based on what we think we know. Changing one or both gives us a different experience.

For example, a friend has agreed to drive you to the airport, but she doesn’t show up and you end up calling for another ride. If you think “She forgot about me, she doesn’t care", you are likely to be annoyed and have an uncomfortable trip to the airport. If you call her and she doesn’t answer and you think “something bad must have happened to her", you might have a worried ride to the airport. You could instead choose to think “there is nothing more I can do right now, so I will let it go and trust that everything will be okay”, you might have more ease and can focus on reading or talking with your driver. If she calls and says she had a small fender bender on the way to pick you up and she is unhurt (new information), you may feel relieved or grateful. You are still riding to the airport without your friend in all of the above scenarios, but how you feel during that ride changes based on what you think and know.

You could say that the truth about what happens to us keeps changing as we change. Looking back on an event that happened some years ago you may have a totally different interpretation than you had at the time. Looking at a current event from a new perspective gives a different emotional response as well. However, if we insist that we have the correct picture and are closed to new information or thoughts, we are stuck with whatever feelings come with that picture.

Neuroscientists believe that mental experiences reflect chemical and electrical experiences in the brain. Neuroplasticity is the brain's ability to change in response to experiences. Studies on the placebo effect offer evidence that beliefs can create changes in the body. Some people think that beliefs actually change the structure and functioning of the brain, so consciously choosing what you think can may have a positive impact in more ways than one.

May Tidbit: Letting go....Again

5/10/2021

Each time we lose someone or something we love there is a process of dealing with the reality of the loss. It does not matter whether the loss is a friend, a pet, a home, a job, a relationship, a parent, our mobility…. the process occurs regardless. Some losses affect us more profoundly than others and a wise woman once suggested that all our griefs are connected with a silver thread so that a new loss may re-open old pockets of grief.

We have our rituals to help us cope, and we all know, at least on some level, that everything is impermanent. But as a client once told me, the longest journey is the 18 inches from head to heart, and when the knowing of death moves from the head to the heart there is often profound struggle. Those of us who grew up close to nature and frequently witnessed the cycle of life and death may have less difficulty with the concept of leaving this earthly plane, but the experience is intensely different when it gets close and personal.

The stages of grief have been well documented. The initial denial attempts to protect us from an unwelcome reality. Fear and sadness frequently manifest as anger. Often we try to rationalize or bargain away our emotional distress in an attempt to stay in control, and depression permeates on some level until we are moved to accept our loss. This is not a linear process and we can travel back and forth on this continuum for an indefinite period, hopefully eventually coming to a place of acceptance. Acceptance, like forgiveness, does not mean that we have to like or approve of the change we are facing; we just need to acknowledge reality and come to terms with it.

Breathe in
Breathe out
Take in what we need
Let go of what is done

For Tango, RIP

April Tidbit: The Super Power of Curiosity

4/4/2021

Not everybody is aware that curiosity is a Super Power. While it cannot literally enable you to leap from tall buildings, it can facilitate some mighty figurative leaps, overcoming attitudes that keep us feeling stuck, depressed, or mired in repetitive self destructive behaviors. Curiosity is the lubrican of imagination, creativity and change and can help us overcome postures and behaviors that inhibit desired growth and change.

Fear of the unknown often stops us in our tracks; it inhibits love, adventure and pleasure. Whether it is related to fear of failure, a sense of forthcoming doom, or is residue from trauma experience, the willingess to become curious can free us to explore new pathways. “By replacing fear of the unknown with curiosity we open ourselves up to an infinite stream of possibility. We can let fear rule our lives or we can become childlike with curiosity, pushing our boundaries, leaping out of our comfort zones, and accepting what life puts before us.” (Alan Watts)

Arrogance is the attitude of being better than, of having all the answers. Often a coping mechanism to cover feelings of inadequacy, arrogance tends isolate and limit one's ability to learn new things. In many ways arrogance is the exact opposite of curiosity, so cultivating curiosity brings balance and improved mental health to those suffering from arrogance. Asking other people about themselves leads to closer relationships, and choosing to investigate how something works without judgement offers new knowledge. Posing questions and listening to the answers invites the mind to explore new possibilities and encourages flexibility of thought.

Apathy and boredom: "I don’t care” is the passive theme song with these two, whether they are the result of learned helplessness or depression or frustration. Curiosity is active, it propels us to deeper engagement and taking an interest in what happens next stimulates the muscles of our mind. What would it be like if you did care? What would happen if you did this…. or that? Satirist Dorothy Parker wrote: “The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity."

Limiting beliefs are mental blockages that keep us in familiar routines and give us illusions of certainty and security. We are are not born with beliefs, they are similar to software programs that have been installed. What would happen if you chose to use a different program, install a different belief? Acting as if you believe something that gives you a new repertoire of response is a tool that has been successful in generating change for many.

The experience of being curious releases the feel-good chemical dopamine and activates the hippocampus, a complex brain structure that plays a major role in learning and memory. There are studies that indicate curiosity can delay the onset of mental deteriorations such as Altzheimers, as curiosity stimulates neuroplasticity, the ability of neural networks in the brain to grow and reorganize, to modify and adapt to experiences.

May you be forever curious.

March Tidbit: Simple Ways to Make Life Better

3/4/2021

1. Spend a few minutes each day making breath a conscious act and breathe through your nose rather than your mouth. Every breath is an energy exchange with the world around us and it is literally the most important thing that we do. In his book simply titled Breath, James Nestor explores the history and impact of how we breathe and its relationship to modern disease, offering simple breathing exercises to improve health and wellbeing. Breath is a direct link between our conscious and unconscious operating systems, and it can be a powerful tool for change, physically and mentally.

2. If something is bothering you, look at it from a variety of different perspectives. Be curious, don’t judge or jump to conclusions. "For every event in life there are many different angles. When you look at the same event from a wider perspective your sense of worry and anxiety reduces and you have greater joy” from the Book of Joy, conversations with the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu. Challenge what you think you know about a situation and ask questions, do research. “The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common: they don’t alter their views to fit the facts; they alter the facts to fit their views.” (Doctor Who)

3. Listen with open ears and mind. Most communication problems and conflicts are actually due to a listening problem. Sometimes we can be triggered by a word or phrase, jump to judgement in our own thoughts, and lose the both the content and context of what someone is saying. Or we listen impatiently and inaccurately waiting for our chance to speak. Instead, try listening with the single agenda of understanding another person’s point of view. Psychologist Carl Rogers once said, “A person’s real need, a most terrible need, is for someone to listen…not as a ‘patient’ but as a human soul.” To listen well is to respond to a great human yearning and helps to heal the world.

4. Do something nice for someone every day. Smile, wave, thank, listen, donate, make a phone call, volunteer, pick up trash, be of service in some way, shape or form, no matter how small. One very powerful kindness is to let go of judging yourself and others. Tikkun Olam is Hebrew for “repair the world” and each act of kindness you do adds one more speck of compassion and love to the world.

February Tidbit: Stress and Happiness

2/1/2021

Stress and happiness have a very powerful common denominator: the way you perceive them them largely determines the impact they have on you. Dr. Richard Lazarus* of UC Berkeley purported that people tend to make an automatic and frequently unconscious assessment of what is happening to them and what it means. He believed stress levels have less to do with a person's actual situation than with how the person perceives his or her ability to deal with it, and suggested that we consider stress as a "transaction between a person and their environment". If someone believes the situation is beyond their resources or is going to cause serious harm, the experience is more damaging than if it is seen as a challenge or opportunity.

Since our beliefs, conscious and unconscious, shape our perceptions, I use the term “perception screens” to identify the way we see what is going on around us in the present moment. While similar to the larger “world view” concept, perception screens can more easily be changed in the moment by reframing the experience and having the willingness to consider a different point of view. Thinking “I can’t handle this” is a perception screen that will exacerbate our experience of stress, while reframing with “This is a big challenge and I can ask for help if I need it” will moderate the experience. Changing the perception screen by reframing the stress in a way that makes it seem more manageable allows us to feel better and more easily utilize available resources to move forward.

On a similar note, happiness studies conducted by psychologists Sonja Lyubomirsky, David Lykken, and Auke Tellegen determined that the way we process our circumstances is more important than the circumstances themselves. In their research, "an external factor like income level or money in the bank, accounts for (only) about 10% of your long-term happiness”, according to Michelle Wax, founder of the American Happiness Project. Since our mindset about circumstances determines our degree of happiness more than the specific events, it is important to notice our thoughts and how they affect our feelings. If we respond to a windfall or a blessing with appreciation and gratitude our happiness is magnified, while thoughts such as “it won’t last” or “I don’t deserve this” limit our happiness.

Because core beliefs underly our thinking process, it can be challenging to try on a new perception screen (or even recognize an unconscious one that is shaping our experiences). A positive reframe might feel like an untruth until we remind ourselves that beliefs are not facts; they are based on choices we have made, choices that at one point in our lives might have been essential to our survival, but perhaps are no longer valid. Building a positive mindset based on choices made in the present can reduce the impact of stress, optimize your happiness quota, channel your resilience and even increase your energy levels. Talking with someone you trust can help shift your perceptions to a more useful viewpoint when you feel stuck or overwhelmed.

*Richard S. Lazarus, PhD, (1922-2002) was a professor emeritus of psychology at the University of California, Berkeley and was a pioneer in the study of emotion and stress and their relationship to thoughts.

January Tidbit: New Year Intentions

1/3/2021

2020 has been an extraordinarily stressful year and I suspect we are all ready to move on. Here are some ideas to help reduce the negative impact of stress in the new year. Instead of making big resolutions that are hard to stay with, try adding just a few small positive changes here and there.

1. Take three slow deep breaths often. It is helpful to connect a new desired behavior to one that occurs regularly in your life, so try taking three slow deep breaths whenever you find yourself waiting for something: waiting at a red light, waiting for water to boil, waiting for someone to answer the phone….

2. Do something you love every day. Make it a priority to do so, even if for only a short time. Read, sing, dance, make music, listen to pleasing sounds in your environment: music, birdsong, silence, chimes, ocean waves…. or whatever floats your boat.

3. Practice gratitude. We’ve all suffered losses in the past year so gratitude is more important than ever to help us get back in balance. Start with the basics if too much loss has overwhelmed your gratitude and this is difficult for you: appreciate being able to walk, to see, to speak….

4. Write your thoughts and feelings in a journal to help you get in touch with yourself. Pens and keyboards use different cognitive processes, so if you are struggling with an issue try writing in longhand if keyboard is more familiar to you, or the other way around.

5. Exercise. Take a walk in nature, ride a bike, do yoga, swim, tai chi, look at online exercise programs and try something new .......

6. Say "no" to things that are not in your best interest. Slow down any automatic response and take a minute to think about your choices. Remember that “No, thank you” is a complete sentence and does not require explanation, especially if delivered with a smile.

7. Nourish relationships. Be kind, practice active listening, validate others with appreciation, reach out with phone calls or texts, or emails, or zooms. Be kind and compassionate to yourself and anyone who crosses your path.

8. Pay attention to your language. Choose words that support choice and strength. Inhibit and redirect old patterns of language and beliefs that do not take you in the direction you want to go.

9. Cultivate your sense of humor. Laugh more. Wear a smile for no reason (even if it is not visible under your mask!).

10. Prayer and meditation are helpful in expanding spiritual connection and self awareness.

11. Sleep, eat and relax well. If something is interfering with these necessary functions, address it. Monitor intake of sugar, caffeine and alcohol. If you can’t make progress on your own ask for help.

12. Talk to trusted friends, a counselor, or a coach about what you want in your life and how you feel about what is happening or has happened.

It is my hope that the new year will bring us some relief and peace from the fear and anger that was so abundant in 2020. If we all contribute to creating better selves we will also be contributing to creating a better world.

May our thoughts, words and actions support happiness and freedom for all

December Tidbit: Telling Stories

12/11/2020

Storytelling sometimes touches a chord in us that awakens a new awareness or epiphany. It may be a light into deeper understanding of self or the world, or maybe a perspective of how to truly appreciate life and love. One of my favourite Christmas stories is O'Henry's "The Gift of the Magi", where newlyweds Jim and Delia get a powerful look into the nature of love and gift giving. Jim has a pocket watch with family history that he treasures. Delia has long beautiful hair that is her pride and joy. Come Christmas they are short of funds but each wants to give the other a special gift. So Jim sells his watch to buy beautiful combs for Delia’s hair, and Delia cuts and sells her hair to buy a watch fob worthy of Jim’s watch, and they both gain insight into what it truly valuable.

If we choose to focus on awakening rather than obligation this holiday season, perhaps we might catch one of those powerful glimpses into our own life. Taking time to observe allows us to see our own patterns in action. Perhaps we might notice a need for perfection or a tendency to use food or drink to deal with anxiety or discontent. Do we sacrifice self care and forego wise decisions to serve some belief about what we think life should be like at this time of year? Self care is especially important in this time of pandemic and we need to be careful what we sacrifice in the name of love. Perhaps we can consciously choose how to spend our time, maybe creating new beliefs and rituals of celebration. Take a moment of solitude in nature, schedule time for prayer or meditation or exercise, verbalize your love and appreciation to your beloveds, tell your favorite stories, or simply get outside in the midday sun.

Although winter is often portrayed as the season of dark and cold when things go dormant, the winter solstice offers us the lengthening of daylight, a reason to rejoice in nature's ongoing cycles. Celebrate whatever this season means to you in ways that care for you and your loved ones. Perhaps this is the holiday season that you chose to do less and enjoy more, or maybe you do more this year to bring more joy. Whatever your choices, make them wisely, like the Magi who chose to take a different route home after being warned of danger.

November Tidbit: Gratitudes New and Old

11/10/2020

Some of you may remember the story of the family who cut the ends off their holiday ham before putting it in the oven, a tradition that dated back generations. It wasn’t until a curious daughter questioned her mother, grandmother, and great grandmother about this ritual that it was revealed that the original matriarch who started the practice had a baking pan that was too small to hold the ham without cutting its ends. Most of our holiday rituals have their roots in the past, and this holiday season we are acutely aware that we are no longer living in the relative safety of that past.

A key factor in many challenges that arise during the holidays is balancing the struggle between the ego’s desire to get what we want and the best interests of the family as a whole. This conflict between the desire of the individual and the needs of the whole has surely been an issue in our country as of late, and the holidays will bring that home to us in new ways as we are faced with hard decisions about how to celebrate with family and friends. As COvid19 cases continue to soar in number, the heart’s desire of gathering extended family and friends can have serious consequences and may prove not to be in the best interest of the family, the community, or humanity. While traditions may support such gatherings, we need to look at whether those traditions may be like cutting the ends off the ham, no longer appropriate to the present time. And when old traditions no longer work, it is time to start new ones. Sharing the love doesn’t necessarily mean sharing the same space.

One way of sharing love with family members and friends who live elsewhere is to have extended conversations about gratitude. On Thanksgiving we often share our appreciation for our current blessings, and perhaps we could expand that conversation to include what we are so grateful to have experienced in our lives. Sort of a reverse bucket list, each taking turns to describe an experience that brought us amazing joy, or an accomplishment that made us proud, or an event that we are so glad to have been able to participate in. These might include a special relationship, the manifestation of a professional or personal goal, some small moment that had exceptional meaning, an opportunity to be of service, a valuable lesson, a spiritual awakening…. Make your list ahead of time and choose to share what seems most relevant in the moment. Improve your listening skills and give the gift of your full attention to those you love while expanding your intimate knowledge of each other. It could become a new holiday tradition.

October Tidbit: Heal the World

10/13/2020

2020 has been a year of dis-ease. The most obvious is of course the Covid19 pandemic, but the lack of ease runs deeper and has been more damaging than we might like to admit. The impact of loss of health, homes, employment, social intimacy casts a deep shadow over our ability to feel whole. While we may continue to cope, the price is often burying emotions which may later emerge as outbursts of anger, depression, fear, or addiction. If you google "heal the world", you will get a pop song and good practical advice on recycling, conservation, soil management, but not much on how to work with emotions and improve conflict resolution in order to reduce wars, global retaliation, political instability, and racial unrest.

So where do we start? Just as an airline attendant urges you to put your oxygen mask on before helping others, to heal the world we need begin with ourselves. A good place to start with most things that go awry is to go back to the basics. Fundamental is good nutrition, exercise, and sleep, things that we often let slide when feeling stressed.

Back in the days before technology, people connected with what was around them for healing. Plants were medicine, fresh air and healthy foods were recommended by healers, a walk-about or spirit quest might be prescribed for restoration and resolution of problems. In modern times it is easy to lose connection with the natural world and get caught up in fear, external events, distractions and unhealthy choices. Making good choices is key to restoring balance and harmony. One way to determine if your choices are good for you is to consciously evaluate each decision as to whether it takes you closer to your goals or further away.

Other ways to support emotional health:
--Let it be OK to feel what you are feeling. Talk to someone who is available to listen without judging, or write about your feelings without self judgement. Take your time and don’t be afraid of them. They are just feelings, just a form of energy that can be transformed if you make changes in how you manage them. Learn that you are not alone in your feelings, even though you might feel that way.
--Get support for whatever issues bother you. Talk with family and friends to receive and offer comfort and support. Online Zoom “rooms” offer experience, strength and hope for many issues. Build community wherever you may safely find it.
--Be of service and be kind. Offer to run an errand for a neighbor who doesn’t go out much. Sincerely thank servers. Practice listening with full attention when others talk. Take a bag to the beach or the park and pick up trash. Google “how to volunteer during a pandemic” if you have time for deeper community involvement (and perhaps expand your definition of community).
--Reduce anxiety: Limit media exposure, and remember to breath deeply. Taking a longer exhale than inhale calms the mind and the body. Read material and watch shows that are inspirational. Use your tools: finger holds, meditation, EFT tapping, cognitive restructuring. Sit or walk in nature, take a warm bath. Keep a gratitude journal and actively look for things to appreciate.
--Make time to what you love (and find safe ways to do it if prevailing conditions necessitate) Don’t forget to honor your creativity: paint, draw, write, sing…..
--Ask for help if you need it. Remember that letting others help you also helps them feel better.
--Live in the now and be vigilant and calm about your health and safety.

Becoming more aware of our behaviors and our thoughts can help us connect more fully with our environment and integrate more healthier practices into our lives. When we pay attention to what we put into our minds, our bodies, our spirit, and choose wholesome actions, we can restore our sense of wellbeing and add some wellness to the world.

September Tidbit: Transitions

9/18/2020

As autumn nears we are reminded that life is about transitions. Things change. The world moves on, sometimes so gradually that we do not notice (or we ignore) the subtlety of the shifts, as can occur with addiction or climate change. Other times there are cataclysmic changes: hurricanes, wars, riots, pandemics, wildfires, earthquakes. And sometimes too much seems to happen at once.

Change involves both losses and gains. We have all had losses due to the pandemic and grief abounds, frequently manifesting in anger and denial, two potent stages of the grieving process. Change brings gains as well as losses, and choosing to focus on positive aspects can improve how we manage our emotions and the way we interact with others and the planet. A friend once emailed me two line poem by Rumi that shifted my perspective and was helpful in moving me through a devastating loss:
“The barn burned down.
Now I can see the moon.”

We need to acknowledge our grief and anger, but not make them our default positions. Dwelling on situations we are powerless over only increases our anxiety. Where our power lies is in the thoughts we choose, the attitude we adopt about what is happening, and the actions we take. Acceptance is also part of the grief process and to get there we need to let go of believing that things should be the way they used to be. And while it often takes considerable effort to intentionally choose a new perspective and direction, it opens us to new possibilities of healing, joy, and appreciation.

“Times of transition are strenuous but I love them. They are an opportunity to purge, rethink priorities, and be intentional about new habits. We can make our new normal any way we want.” Kristin Armstrong (three-time Olympic Gold Medalist)