Two weeks ago a house on my street burned nearly to the ground. The flames leapt above the rooftops and the air was filled with the scent of fear and heartbreaking loss. A woman and a dog who lived in that house escaped the fire  but lost pretty much everything they owned. 

As I watched the arrival of fire engines and the smoke poured into the sky, I thought about the woman who lived there and how much her life was in process of change. I remembered some of my own losses and I reflected on the catastrophic effects of the recent Tsunami in Japan. So much a part of this earthly life is loss, letting go of what we hold dear. Sometimes we live in the illusion that we can keep what we have, but in the end age and time and events claim all. 

How do people cope with devastating loss? Death and disease, fire and flood are part of the human experience. And during our stay on the planet we lose family, friends, lovers, illusions, our strength, our hair, parts of our bodies, our beloved pets. Most of us struggle to learn how to grieve our losses, how to accept the unacceptable. And after we have taken the time to feel our feelings and surrender to what is, we still need to move our minds to a place of appreciation for what we once had and for what we still have. At some point we break through our denial and realize that everything is impermanent, dust in the wind. How can something be so obvious  and unknowable at the same time? 

Perhaps breath is the perfect analogy: we take in, we release; most of the time we are not even aware we are doing it. The conscious and the unconscious are intertwining; we pay attention or we don't. Every loss has a lesson and we get stronger in our broken places learning to accept life on its terms. And maybe we come to understand that life is sorta like an ice cream sundae. It is ours to enjoy and cherish every bite before it is gone.... or we can worry about the calories, regret that we ate the whole thing, fear a possible stomachache, and allow our limiting thoughts to devour our joy. We choose where we put our attention, and while it may automatically go to a negative place, we can learn to redirect, we can learn to let go.

 During a time in my life of deep and heartrending loss, a friend sent me the following poem by Rumi:


                            "The barn burned down. 
                              Now I can see the moon." 

For some reason, in the depth of my grief, the simplicity of these lines made me laugh. And that laughter opened a window in my perspective. I was still really sad, but there was also light. I was able to accept that I had lost someone I loved and my heart ached, and I recognized that I was responsible for what happened next in my life. I could choose to look and see what might be towards the horizon.... and when I did, I caught a glimpse of the moon.
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Twenty years ago when I was learning to ride a horse without a saddle, I observed an interesting process. Every time I thought to myself that I was going to fall off the horse, I did fall. Actually, I fell a number of times until I intentionally started telling myself that I was moving in harmony with the horse, and suddenly, wow, I could ride bareback. It was exhilarating! And I got that my body believed and acted in accordance with the information I gave it. 

I see patterns of similar limiting beliefs in people when they shake their heads and say 'I can never do that' or 'it has always been this way'. Even more interesting is that sometimes it is such an unconscious habit that they don't even recognize they are silently reinforcing a limiting belief. Whether it is a yoga posture, hitting a softball or achieving a goal, what we believe about the outcome shapes it. 

If we feed doubt and fear to ourselves in our internal conversations, we will have outcomes that mirror what we expect to see. There may be a little gift of grace here and there that belies this concept, but basically, as one of my mentors used to say, "garbage in, garbage out". If you are blessed to have someone in your life who is lovingly supportive of who you are and what you do, and tells you so, the light shining in will help keep the garbage thoughts at bay. More empowering is taking responsibility for your own thoughts and changing them if they do not serve you. 

The next time you try something new, listen to the conversations in your head.  Assess whether they are giving you encouragement and considering solutions, or trying to keep you exactly where you are, safe from change. If you have trouble hearing your thoughts, know that they often operate beneath awareness and keep listening. If what they are saying does not point you in the direction you want to go, it may be time to clean out the attic and go shopping for some new conversations.
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Suggestions / Intentions for Increased Happiness in 2011
 A baker's dozen of things we all probably know... and often forget to practice...

1. ) Keep on learning, it stimulates thought and keeps mental facilities strong.  Ask questions. Inquiry and curiosity bring us new perspective, new opportunities to experience joy. Or, as Rita Mae Brown wrote on the importance of education: "Put your money in your head; no one can steal it from you there."

2.) Pause to observe common things for their beauty. Winter light is precious, as is the beauty of a sunset, the flight of birds. Take a few moments to look around you, to step outside the monkey mind of your thoughts, and become aware of your unified field of experience. 

3.) Actively engage on a regular basis in things that make you feel good and are good for you. Sing, dance, watch cloud formations, Draw, knit, or build bird houses. Make it a priority to make time for whatever it is that floats your boat, and do it. 

4.) Celebrate your successes and your failures. How we deal with failure often determines our successes. Did you learn anything from your mistakes? If you struggle with this one, maybe you want to go back and  read number 1 again.

5.) Love and accept yourself. Anything else just makes the journey harder. Just because someone important criticized you in the past does not mean you are obliged to continue the tradition. 

6.) Move your body, shake your energy. Engage in yoga or walk on the beach, climb a mountain, ride a bike, dance.

7.) Move your face -- Smile! Take advantage of every opportunity to do it! Smile at people. Make them wonder what you have been up to.

8.) Be creative. Conjure some goals and visions that you work toward without attachment to what you think the outcome should look like. Allow things to evolve and manifest in your creative mind and hands. 

9.) Remember that we all drive different vehicles at different times in our life. Be willing to recognize when it is time to let go and move on with recognition that all things are impermanent.

10.) Trust yourself. Listen to your intuition and learn to use all of your inner wisdom. Meditate, pray, dream.

11.)  Practice loving kindness and forgiveness towards self and others. Consciously choose compassion and acceptance instead of judgement. 

12.) Inhibit and redirect your thoughts when they fall prey to old happiness reducing habits. Probably should put this sentence after each one of the others. 

13.)Be grateful every day.

May you have a magnificent year. 
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There is a little town in Pennsylvania whose population in the 1950s had a remarkably low incident  of heart problems at a time when heart disease was the leading cause of death for men in the rest of the country. It was so remarkable that the community drew the attention of doctors who studied various criteria to determine the reason for this extraordinary health. Malcolm Gladwell opens his book, Outliers, with the story of this place.

At first, since the almost all the townfolk were originally from the same small town in Italy, it was thought that good health must be because of the renowned "Mediterranean Diet". Investigation revealed that no, for the most part, the people had Americanized their diet, replacing olive oil with lard and eating sweets on a regular basis  rather than just on special occasions. So they looked to genetics, but discovered that relatives living in other areas did not have the same health statistics. Neighboring towns fit the demographics of the rest of the country, so it wasn't something in the air or water. The investigators were challenged to figure out what made this town special. 

They finally determined that it must be something about the community itself, and as they set about observing the residents they noticed that people seemed very close knit and supportive of each other. Neighbors visited every day and got together for meals; people were very active in civic organizations and in the church. Extended families lived together, elders were respected and honored, people helped each other when in need. Their social structure closely mirrored the 'paesani' culture of their origins in a small Italian town, and the world they created in Pennsylvania based on that place of origin had such a unifying and calming effect on its citizens that heart attacks were an anomaly in their lives. The community they created was a true buffer from the stress and challenges of the external world. 

Most of us don't have that ancestral 'set up' as a precursor for collaborative harmony. However, when people work together for a common goal they are able to create a community structure that functions towards that purpose. Theatre companies, support groups, team players, and families can transcend individual egos for the good of the whole. So let's contribute to good health this holiday season. Wherever you go follow your heart and look to create community even when it appears to be a daunting task. Hold the intention of peace and  good will. Practice acceptance, compassion, and forgiveness. Focus on what connects you to others rather than on what makes you different. Look for that spark of the divine in each person you see, and keep in mind that "every human is holy to someone". 


"If everyone opened their eyes they'd see
That loving feeling is waiting within us
And if everyone opened their hearts they'd see
That every human is holy to someone."


            David Crosby & Graham Nash


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Once upon a time, an English Literature professor in a NY college asked his class what kind of trees lined the walkway to the English building. Not a single student was able to identify the type of tree; most were unaware that there even were trees along the path. This lack of connection with the natural world and the consequences of self absorption in our own tiny mental habitation became the topic of discussion, both in real life and in literature. Lewis Carroll and Dostoyevsky were on the reading list that semester. 

Following the coldest winter and then the hottest summer in forty years, we were blessed here on the Treasure Coast of Florida with a totally glorious Indian Summer. Last week I walked on my favorite beach and found myself hypnotized by the sun and the waves in the balmy 80 degree weather. A smile opened my face and gratitude expanded my heart. Moments of bliss like that sometimes sneak up on me. They seem a miracle of the moment, a vivid shift of perception (almost like falling down a rabbit hole) that gives me the ability to really see what is around me. These moments are so lovely that I am teaching myself to look for them in order to have more.

Today I kept warm with cashmere and wool, and admired the extraordinary quality of the gold autumn sunshine as it bathed my room with amber light in the morning hours. I find that staying close with nature keeps my heart open, even when nature expresses herself with bitter winds or heavy rains. I remind myself that it is the frigid cold of the high desert that makes the most exquisitely soft down to grow on Kashmir goats, and it is the seasonal heat that causes them to shed this amazing undercoat that ends up knit into my beloved socks. 

As we move through November towards Thanksgiving, take time to notice the natural beauty around you. Make time for a walk in woods, the beach, or in the park, or even gaze out the rainy window and look for the colors of the rainbow. Notice the trees on your path. It is easy to get lost in busy-ness or in the noise of your own mind; how much more fun to get caught up in appreciation of what is around you. Perhaps this is what Einstein meant when he said  "A person starts to live when he can live outside himself." 

Have a wonderful and grateful Thanksgiving season.
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I did an Alexander exercise with my yoga students this week. Without physically moving, using only their conscious awareness, I asked them to lengthen and widen their dominant arm, starting at the shoulder and mentally working each segment of the arm and hand down to the fingertips. As they focused their thoughts on lengthening and widening, it was impressive to see the "conscious" arms become significantly longer and "fluffier" than the "unconscious arms".... up to three inches longer on one student. They reported feelings of lightness and fluidity in the dominant limbs... feelings that they created with their thought process.

This phenomenon is not simply about relaxation and letting go of tension, but rather about bringing a level of conscious observation that invites recognition of our ability to create experience in our lives. It brings consciousness to the appreciation of the sensations of the here and now, to the presence of the moment and our relationship with it. No regrets about yesterday, no worries about tomorrow cloud the awareness; it is just this experience right now. It moves us away from the memories of old pain that tend to replicate themselves when we give them attention.

Ever been in love? Think about your focus of attention during that time. Being in love heightens the quality of our immediate presence. Our best times with the beloved are in the moment, full of appreciation and joy. With conscious awareness of self in proximity to another with an open heart, things appear different, better. We are in tune with our interconnectedness, of being part of something larger than our single self. We are bathed in happy emotions  and delightful sensations generated by our openness and willingness to engage in relationship with what the  present moment offers. We radiate appreciation and create a harmonic convergence with another. 

"I long to escape the prison of my ego and lose myself in the desert and mountains", wrote the mystic poet  Rumi. When we go to our special place, whether it is at the beach or sitting in a tree, we allow ourselves to live each breath as part of the landscape, part of the larger whole. The magnificence of the sunset or the wave or the rock formation engages us in this very place and time, and our soul soars. Again, as with the experience of being in love,  we are filled to the brim with astounding sensory input and our emotions are illuminated with grace. We recognize the interconnectedness of all and know we are part of it; our ego and our soul self come into balance and we are fully present with what is.

Notice what happens when we start to think about what comes next. When we make our "to do" list, or worry about what could go wrong, project into the future or compare to the past. We exit the moment, we leave that place of feeling connected and we separate ourselves from the whole. We awaken fear, an acronym for "false evidence appearing real," and we create the pain of loss and separateness. Our bodies constrict and tighten in futile attempts to protect from injury and old pain patterns return to our thinking and to our bodies. Taken to the extreme, we fragment and fall apart because we have lost our ground, lost our connection with our environment and taken up residence in our head. Often we end up recreating past history with our critical and fearful projections. The ego has taken control and is no longer in balance with the soul self.

So how do we stay in the joy of the moment and still get things done? We need to think about the future and  go buy groceries and make plans and call for an appointment to take the car to the shop. We need the individualism of ego to survive on this earth and can't always be in that 'la la' place of connected bliss.  Or can we? Is it possible to stay connected to it even as we "leave the beloved" for a specific purpose when we need to plan or take action for the future? What if we are open to noticing when we exit the present moment and make an intentional choice as to whether it is in our best interest to do so at this particular  time? And what if we hold the honest intention to return to our conscious awareness, to 'our Beloved' (and, know that according to Rumi, "everyone is a shadow of the Beloved"). With practice and willingness, we can learn to flow back and forth as needed, altering our perspective with conscious choice and redirection instead of unconscious reactivity.... if we pay attention and take responsibility. We can learn to lengthen and widen our thoughts as well as our arms. We can challenge the old beliefs that insist we need to close down our heart in order to have time to ourselves, to feel safe. Perhaps the strongest heart is the one that remains open, that chooses to love and be present with what is. And perhaps it is in the heart that the ego and the soul self best practice collaboration and honor our dual nature of being a spiritual entity in a physical body. 

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How we see something is correlated not only with our attitudes and emotions; it also exerts a powerful impact on our physical body. In reaction to a thought or mood, our bodies enact response patterns that become habitual and create lasting imprints on our posture and movements.  These patterns may eventually restrict our freedom to move physically as well as keep us mired in familiar attitudinal postures. 

We are all probably acquainted with the adolescent who lacks self confidence and hunches his shoulders forward.  It is pretty obvious how this self reinforcing paradigm occurs between body and mind. If he feels small and unimportant, hunching makes the body seem smaller. If he thinks it is unsafe to be noticed, a dropped head with lack of eye contact invites the illusion of invisibility. Is it conscious? Most of the time, it probably is not. Just as we are generally not conscious of what we are doing with our bodies every day.... until they start to hurt and demand our attention.

Action follows thought, and our bodies react to the way we behold the world around us. To illustrate this, look at something in the space where you are. Think about this item as if it was your most beloved thing in all the world (or it represents your beloved). Think about how lucky you are to have it near you and feel gratitude for it being in your life. Notice what your body does in response. Odds are good that the soft palate in your mouth raised, and your jaw and shoulders relaxed. Perhaps a smile came to your mouth and your sacrum widened as your breath deepened. We love the feelings of love and gratitude and our bodies get happy too. Now look at this same object as if it was the cause of all of your problems; blame it for everything and get mad at it. Notice what your body does in response to those thoughts. Did your jaw clench or your eyes narrow? What happened to your shoulders, your breath? When we deeply criticize or scrutinize something, we tend to lose our relationship with the space around us. We can get sucked into an object or action (like getting lost in the computer screen or having a temper tantrum), or create a wall of separation and distance (become a victim, withdraw). 

Our bodies simply follow the programs we have uploaded during our lifetime. If you have a wrong idea in your mind, the body functions according to that wrong idea. Your central nervous system can only operate in accordance with the maps and scripts that it has. Those maps were made with old beliefs and images; they function as your software and could probably use some updating. The central nervous system simply tries to make your life match whatever maps are in the program. A classic example is someone who has worked hard to achieve their desired weight but still views themself as heavy and therefore gains the weight back. 

How do you see yourself and what are the maps that shape your experience and your body? Know that your beholding patterns were developed as strategies for survival in the world, and they served a purpose in the past. What if in this present moment you try beholding yourself with loving kindness?  No judgement, no criticism, just self care and observation. Soften your eyes, smile and simply notice your body. There is a neat thing that happens when we are not scrutinizing. Our bodies relax, and in that relaxation, they can open, heal, grow and renew relationship with self and the world. When you catch yourself scowling or growling, simply notice the habits of thinking or doing that keep you from beholding yourself or another with loving kindness.  Observe: "I am doing this.... I don't have to do this....  I can make another choice". And then make another choice. Do this often enough and you change the map. Ask for help if you need it.

This tidbit is dedicated with deep gratitude to F.M. Alexander and all his students and teachers. 
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Positive affirmations have been used as a tool for change for a long time. The concept of changing what you think in order to change your life enjoyed a new surge of popularity with release of the book and DVD of The Secret . Unfortunately, it is often only the conscious mind that is involved in the affirmational process and the unconscious mind still tends to run the show with its old and often limiting beliefs that argue against change. Harvard Business School professor Gerald Zaltman is one of many who states that the unconscious mind controls 95% of our thought process, a premise  that explains why simply using affirmations alone is not as successful as we would like it to be. 


Combining affirmations with physical movement is one creative way to bridge the dual nature of our human mind. Candace Pert, neuroscientist and author of Molecules of Emotion, wrote that the body is the subconscious mind.  And certainly the intimate relationship between the physical body and the unconscious mind is evidenced by the body's ability to digest food, heal wounds, and grow hair.... things that few of us consciously know how to do. I remember being completely awed by the inner intelligence of my body when it was able to reconstruct five shattered ribs, drawing fragmented pieces of bone back into their original structure from the far reaches of my chest wall. The body remembers how to walk so we don't have to think about it while we are doing it. It tells us when we are working too hard, when we are under too much stress, when we are happy. So including the body in the cognitive restructuring experience makes perfect sense.


Affirmations in Motion (AIM)connects the conscious and the unconscious by combining four or five specific affirmations with postural movements that complement the intention of each statement. The concept evolved after my first Reiki session at a time when I really needed to make some changes in my life, and it invites collaboration of conscious and unconscious minds towards a common goal. The words to my original AIM were what I wanted to manifest in my life and the exercise has served me well.
I open my heart.
I embrace the world.
I reach for the stars.
And I loving let go of what I no longer need.


It begins in a standing position with arms folded across the chest. With the words "I open my heart", the arms unfold and the body moves into 'starfish' position (think Leonardo Davinci's Vitruvian Man drawing).  "I embrace the world", enfolds into a gathering hug. Diagonal crossovers that reach to the sky (like climbing a ladder) accompany the statement  "I reach for the stars". And a slow forward bend with arms revolving in a tumble goes with "And I loving let go of what I no longer need". You are welcome to use my AIM, and I encourage you to write your own, to put your chosen affirmations and movements into a one or two minute harmonic convergence of mind and body, conscious and unconscious, to effect change on a deep level. 


Affirmations in Motion takes about one or two minutes each day. If you do it for 30 days, a total of one hour or less, you will see measurable changes. Every one of my clients who stuck to a 30 day commitment reported significant progress. Probably the most powerful unconscious conversation for no change is that of forgetting, so it helps to have someone to be accountable to, especially if you have difficulty following through on agreements with yourself. If you need coaching in the creation process or help with staying with it, Conversations for Change is having a Summer of Love Offerings special on AIMs: choose your own fee. 
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Tidbits 07/06/2010
 
Weekly Tidbits have become Monthly Tidbits, at least for the summer. Enjoy the season.

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The favorite posture in my yoga classes seems to be Savasana, the period of deep relaxation at the end of the class. Some of the students smiling refer to it as "dessert", the sweetness at the end of the main course. It is a time of deep exhalation, and is both the energetic integration of what we have done in class as we cool down and relax the body, and letting go to make room for what is new and fresh in the mind. Several students have confessed that when they first started the practice, they would use the time to think about shopping needs or arrange their schedule for the day, but now they cherish the opportunity to take fifteen minutes to not think, to not do, to simply be at peace.
 
This "not doing" is an inhibition of patterns of thought and tension that we might not even be aware of. To relax usually means to rest or engage in an enjoyable activity so as to become less tired or anxious; it also means to make something less rigid or tight. According to Dr. Timothy McCall in his book Yoga as Medicine, Savasana not only relaxes the body and the mind, it also relaxes the nervous system and the unconscious mind. Redirecting our attention to our breath rather than our thoughts invites a loosening of our inner holdings, the places where much of our chronic pain seem anchored. The more I work with chronic pain, the more I value the healing power of deep relaxation. Despite the apparent cognitive dissonance, chronic pain is sometimes a subliminal attempt to protect ourselves from something we fear, and the act of holding the protective shield has become exhausting and painful in and of itself. The common frustration I hear from clients with chronic pain is that they desperately want to be free of the pain and they recognize that there is a part that holds on tight, that is constricted, that is afraid to let go.  Many of the energy psychology techniques work well with chronic pain and are similar to yoga in that they negotiate reorganization beneath the surface where the tension has been held, and do not necessarily require conscious understanding or revisiting the cause of the holding patterns. 

When we deeply relax, we make room for new thought patterns that offer new creation options. It is hard to make our life different when we are thinking the same old thoughts. Especially when much of the ongoing stream of thoughts that flow continuously in our head is beyond our conscious awareness and is designed to maintain the status quo, the illusion of safely in what is familiar.... even if what is familiar is pain. A quote from the preview of the movie Eat Pray Love, based on the novel by Elizabeth Gilbert: "If you could clear out all that space in your mind you would have a doorway. And you know what the universe would do? Rush in. Everything else would take care of itself." Yoga, deep relaxation, prayer, and meditation are ways to clear out all that space.

So whether or not you practice yoga, try a simple relaxation exercise for ten minutes to reduce pain and alleviate stress. In a comfortable reclining position begin to focus on your breath. Observe the in and out of this simple energy exchange with the universe. Invite your body parts to relax using gentle injunctions such as "my toes are relaxed and free... there is no tension in my jaw". Direct your breath and compassionate awareness to any parts where you notice constriction or discomfort and invite those parts to relax a little more with each breath. If your mind starts to wander, lovingly bring it back and observe the whole process without judgement. When you feel your body begin to relax, let go of thinking and simply watch your breath, being aware of the pause between the exhalation and the inhalation. If you start to think again just notice it and redirect attention to the breath. Just breathe and be aware of breath.

The knowledge of the benefits of deep relaxation experience is not unique to yoga. The Alexander Technique suggests that 15 minutes a day in the founder's "repose position" will significantly improve health and well being. Biofeedback is a means of teaching the body to relax, and hypnosis and guided imagery work with relaxation on a variety of levels. I have heard it said that it is during deep periods of relaxation that the body best heals itself for the energy is not distracted into thought or action and can go directly where it is needed. "Don't underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can't hear, and not bothering." (From  Pooh's Little Instruction Book, inspired by A.A. Milne)
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