Someone recently wrote me about the impact of "failed situations" on their life. I invited a shift in perspective suggesting that there are no failures, only lessons. I truly believe that all of our experiences contribute to our education and growth, especially the ones that don't turn out the way we want as they offer the biggest opportunities to evolve, to know ourselves, and to learn something new. "There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error; experimentation. The 'failed' experiments are as much of the process as the experiment that ultimately 'works'." (The quote is from Rules for Being Human, rule number 3.)
I just celebrated the success of selling a pair of hand knit cashmere socks on Earthwise Designs, my Etsy shop, and the "failed situations" comment reminded me of the first time I tried to knit. I ended up with a tangled pile of yarn that looked like something cats had been playing with for days. I felt frustrated and discouraged and wanted to give up. But being a persistant person (some have called me stubborn) I picked up the needles again, looked at the mess I had made and tried a different approach. Many attempts later, I had a piece of knitting that actually sorta resembled the picture I had in front of me. The most difficult part of this experience was dealing with the voices in my head that told me "what a piece of garbage, you'll never get it right, give it up, what a failure, stupid girl". If I had given credence to those thoughts, I would never have learned to knit, and would have missed out on a tremendous amount of joy in my life. Knitting, by the way, is a great form of meditation, and if you are local to Florida's Treasure Coast and want to learn, please email me for information on The Black Sheep Knitters. I can guarantee there will be a lot of educational mistakes.
How we deal with our mistakes determines how much we learn from them and whether or not we will continue to repeat them. When I was teaching in a lecture format, I would tell stories to encourage people to laugh because people are more likely to take in new information when they are in a good mood. The first time I heard someone say "oh, good I made a mistake; I'm getting ready to learn something!", I thought they were nuts. But wasn't it sweet to embrace an error with such enthusiastic appreciation instead of the doom and gloom I learned growing up? So I tried it, and lo and behold, the more mistakes I made with that attitude, the more I learned, and the less likely I was to repeat the same mistake again. There was nothing "wrong" with me because I made a mistake; I was just getting ready to learn something.
Cognitive restructuring, changing the internal thinking process, is a proven way to change both attitude and behavior. Thinking of unpleasant experiences as "failures" tends to make us reluctant to try again and invites feelings of discouragement and self doubt. Reframing those experiences as "lessons" or "opportunities" encourages us to move forward, to be creative, to find a way to manifest our heart's desires, whether it be knitting a sweater, or finding that great job, or building your dream home. Choosing to replace our self defeating thought patterns with conversations that support positive change is similar to knitting in that it requires both discipline and attention, and really is pretty easy if you give yourself permission to make mistakes and learn from them. And they both invite you to vibrate at an emotional level of joy and acceptance that leads to bigger and better things.
A spiritual teacher once told me "when you get to the place where you really like who you are and where you're at, you'll get grateful for all the s#!t that got you there". She was this little old gray haired lady in running shoes who was my boss when I worked for county alcoholism services back in the 80's. I didn't know then that she was my spiritual teacher and what she said often didn't sound spiritual or make complete sense to me but I knew it was important. She ran the residential program and was always bringing in new ideas, like the concept that we teach best what we most need to learn. "We could use an Assertion Training Program for the clients. Charly, go put one together and teach it. " She had my number..... and I learned how to be assertive.
An "angel mother", according to Clarissa Pinkola Estes, is a woman who appears in your life to give you something that you needed and didn't get in your childhood. Ruth was my angel mother for four years and I am, a quarter of a century later, still in awe of the tools she gave. Even my name came about in one of her fortuitous spelling accidents, teaching even without intention that anything, even accidents, can be gifts.
I pass on Ruth's wisdom to my clients and use it to shine light in my own dark places. I came to understand that everything I experienced, especially the hard stuff, had good for me. Physical injuries helped me to know my unconscious mind, taught me to ask for help, brought me to the Alexander Technique, and provided tools for me to use and teach. Relationship betrayals taught me lessons in acceptance, forgiveness, and compassion, to take risks and to keep my heart open because I learned that my heart is unbreakable when it is open. Catastrophes revealed hidden strengths and stimulated new brain pathways in the process of seeking solutions. Of course, I didn't usually see all the benefit while I was in the experience, but I learned to trust the process and seek guidance and support. Mostly it was in hindsight that I recognized that all the storms and upheavals contributed to my knowing myself and growing myself and led me to other wonderful teachers who furthered my education.
Today I get grateful that I can recognize my fear as it shows itself in new ways before it does much damage. It is illusive and I know it is my unconscious mind trying to prevent additional hurt, struggling to maintain the status quo because that is what the unconscious mind does best. It knows how to handle the status quo and change is scary. Old emotional memories spring to the surface in a misbegotten attempt to protect me. So I befriend my fear, sit quietly with it, observe it, see how it operates and how I can transform that fearful energy into love and gratitude, like my angel mother taught me. Thank you, Ruth, for your grace in my life, for playing it forward before we ever called it that.
Everything that happened in my life got me to where I am today, and I like where I am today. Every single troublesome thing, person and event helped me know myself. So I bless them and thank them and wish them love, happiness, and peace because that is what they have taught me to create.
Namaste,
Charly
I have come to believe that everything unfolds in perfect divine order, that everything that happens is a lesson here in Earth School, and that what actually happens to us is not as important as how we deal with it. This is quite a different philosophy than the one I used to live by, and it was severely challenged five years ago when my house was infested with ticks.
Brown dog ticks are the only ticks that have been known to take over a human habitat. Being a researcher, I learned more about BDTs than I wanted to know. Given the reproductive rate, it is fair to assume that I had between 2,000 and 8,000 ticks in my home. Living in my rugs, furniture, clothes, walls, and of course on my dog, they took over my consciousness and my life. I wore only white clothes because I could hold them up to the light and see if they were already occupied. I pulled more than 50 ticks off my dog every day. I could only sleep with the lights on, and then fitfully at best. I could not relax in my house. I realized I was in trouble when one walked over my foot while I was talking on the phone and I started to hyper-ventilate. Being petro-sensitive, I could not even consider pesticides, since all professionally used pesticides at that time were petroleum based. I diagnosed myself with Acute Anxiety Disorder and felt hopeless, like I was being held hostage with no way out other than to abandon my home.
Obviously, I did find a solution. But that is not important to this story (unless of course, you have ticks, in which case, please contact me!)What I learned from this experience was not to give up hope, to have faith that I would be led to a solution. And I learned that I was brave and resourceful, that I could call out my Warrior self. In this experience, I reclaimed parts of me that I had lost. There was a time I used to call my friend Bonnie to come and take ticks off my dog because I couldn't bring myself to do it; today there are very few situations that intimidate me (and none of them involve removing creepy crawlies). I learned that I did not have to solve all my problems by myself and it really was OK to ask for help. I learned that if you talk to enough people, someone can give you a direction and that research pays off. I learned that I could get a grip on myself even when I was stressed to the max. I learned that my biggest problem was not my situation, but my fear. And that if I could face my fear, if I could turn to love and faith and open my mind to seeing something new, I could find my way home again. And I learned to be grateful for the challenging things that happen because they bring powerful lessons. I learned to practice gratitude no matter what: every day that I was not bitten by a tick, I was grateful for that. I lived with thousands of blood sucking parasites in a relatively small house and not once was I bitten. What a blessing that was!
In Japanese writing, the symbol for crisis is the same symbol that is used for opportunity. I've known that little tidbit for a long time, but I didn't really "get it" until the ticks taught me. Everything is an opportunity to learn about ourselves and to call back parts of ourselves that we have lost. It's all good, it's all part of the lesson plan.
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