Ever really wanted something, wanted it bad, and got it but found that once you had it, it didn't satisfy the way you thought it would? And then you wanted something else. Or maybe there is something that you really want that you just can't seem to get no matter what you do. Or you do get it, but no matter how much of it you have, you want more? You just "Can't Get No Satisfaction". What is it about our desires that can set us up to feel like we don't get what we need?

Martia Nelson, in her book, Coming Home, wrote that "Beneath the desire for all things and all qualities of experience, inner and outer, lies the desire to discover your true nature". Perhaps the shiny Mercedes, the account full of money, and the new relationship don't fully  satisfy because they are the desires of the ego, the part of our personality that wants to look and feel good in the physical world. Some people call them superficial wants, but I think it is more that they are symbols that feed our ego, and since we are more than our ego they do not fulfill the whole of us.  We also have a soul self, a true self, whatever language you want to use, another part that is spirit in nature. We are both spirit and body and we need to care for our dual nature. As long as we walk around in our physical bodies, we need our egos.  When we become bodies of light, or spirit without physical form, or whatever happens next, then we can let go of egos. Until then they provide the boundaries we need in this physical world to keep our bodies alive, because, as Carolyn Myss once said, we cannot count on spirit to take care of the body. It is not that one is good and the other is bad; in our dual state, we need both, in balance, in supportive connection.

But what satisfies the ego will not satisfy the soul. It isn't really the car we want; we want comfort, to feel supported and safe, to feel loved and appreciated. This is the essence of desire, but what is outside can't really fill the inside. We can internalize and practice love and support for self, and that can be satisfying and healing, but the soul self recognizes that we are part of the whole, recognizes connection to all. How can we honor that, how can we satisfy that? Perhaps the most basic way to achieve connection is with love and all the emotions that are love based. Isn't it through love that we really feel our connection with another individual.....  our child, our lover, our best friend? Joy, gratitude, and appreciation bring a quality of vibration to us that we all recognize as positive. Perhaps it is our true nature to be happy, to be loving, to be joyful, and we have just forgotten that, allowed our ego needs to become more important than our soul needs. What if we practice doing and thinking what brings us to the vibrational level of joy? We could start with this exercise: to allow ourselves to vibrate with gratitude for one beautiful thing you and I share at this moment: the ability to read. 

I heard a commercial on the radio today that rattled the tahootie out of me. It advertised a drug that would make "you feel like you were in love" and it went on to talk about feeling more hopeful and positive about your life, and that you should ask your doctor to prescribe it and you would get a month supply free. No mention of even needing a symptom to ask for this drug. Are we as a society so far removed from our feelings of love that we need to buy them at the drug store? 

This led me to think of the research of Jose Manuel Rodriguez Delgado. Dr. Delgado believed that feelings can be created and manipulated by electronic stimulation and set out to prove it. One of his most famous experiments involved a bull that had an implanted electronic device in his brain. Dr. Delgado got into an enclosed arena with this enraged bull and as the angry bull charged the scientist, he pressed a remote control that stimulated part of the bull's brain. The bull lost his aggression and was no longer a threat, demonstrating that feelings were easily manipulated  by radio transmission. This led to speculation regarding how biochemical and electronic stimulation of feelings could be used for purposes of mind control. 

If feelings are the primary determining factors in how we create our lives, understanding where they come from and how to manage them is a priority. There are a lot of theories about feelings, and most agree that they are a form of energy and that energy and matter cannot be created or destroyed, only transformed. So we can allow drug companies to transform our feelings or we can take action to create a transformational process ourselves. Of course, there are times that drugs are helpful and necessary to correct a biochemical imbalance or support a healing process, but to take them every day to "feel like you are falling in love" reminds me way too much of the sixties, and at the same time, of George Orwell's book 1984. I am so disturbed by the trend of using public advertising to persuade people to take drugs that I am willing to donate a free hour of emotional transformation coaching as an alternative to "feel good pharmaceuticals" advertised by television or radio transmission to anyone. Please contact me if you or someone you know would benefit from this. 

There are "inside out" and "outside in" approaches in transforming feelings that don't involve drugs. Here are just a few possibilities in alphabetical  order: Acupressure. Acupuncture. Affirmations (to change your beliefs and thoughts.) Appreciation. Art. . Books. Breathwork. Chocolate (oops, is that a drug?) Coaching. Cognitive restructuring. Creating something. Dancing. Drawing. Drama Therapy. Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). Energy Medicine. Energy Psychology. Essential Oils. Finger holds (Jin Shin Jitsu). Friends. Goals (setting and accomplishing). Exercising. Movies. Gardening. Gratitude. Group participation. Guided Imagery. Ho'oponopono. Horses. Hugs.  Hypnosis. Inspirational literature. Knitting. Kissing. Laughter. (Norman Cousins). Learning something new. Loving. Massage. Meaningful work. Meditation. Music. Nature. Pets. Playing. Prayer. Reading. Relaxation. Smiling (yes, research shows that the act of smiling changes our mood from the outside in). Support networks. Surfing. Talking to a friend. Talking to God. Tappas Accupressure Technique (TAT). Tea. Teaching someone something. Theatre. Therapy. Touching. Trees. Visualization. Volunteering. Walking. Writing. Yoga. I would love to hear these ways to feel good advertised on public radio. In the meantime, do your own personal "feel good" promotion and go smile at somebody. 

I had a wonderful conversation with a friend earlier today. She had just finished reading the book When Everything Changes, Change Everything by Neale Donald Walsch and called to talk about how some of the concepts in this book could be translated into practical language and applied to our everyday life. That being one of my favorite things to do, we went to town with focus on three perceptions of reality described in that book and how they shape our lives. I had just finished reading The Shack by Wm. Paul Young  (another author having conversations with God) that included the idea that "paradigms power perception and perceptions power emotions", so I was primed and grateful for this opportunity.  With deep thanks to my friend and collaborator, the following is our translation and application.

In the paradigm of "distorted reality", we apply past experiences into our assessment of a present day event. Because it looks like something we know, we interpret it as if it is the same as that old event, thereby creating a feedback loop that limits the possibility of it being something different. In essence we are building a survival pattern that argues for the status quo, something that our unconscious mind supports. We know how to deal with what is familiar, so it gives a sense of security and safety. And this system can work really well in practical survival, but it does not serve us well if we wish to thrive in our intimate relationships. We can become locked in our personal version of Jean Paul Sartre's No Exit, endlessly repeating the same relationship patterns because there is very little room for anything new. 

A shift in consciousness occurs in "observed reality", a paradigm that does not apply past data to present events. It takes each experience as something new and is open to possibility. It is a more objective witnessing of experience that avoids contaminating the present day with past days. While it is still operating in physical and cognitive planes, it allows for creating a new reality and avoids the feedback loop of repetitive patterns. From my frame of reference, it operates from the perspective of the "absolute beginner", that open place from childhood where we could truly learn new things. 

And then there is the "ultimate reality", a totally different vantage point altogether that comes from the wisdom of the soul rather than that of the mind. It operates in the spiritual plane according to the concept that life is self-sustaining and all change is for the better. This paradigm is designed to move us closer to God. However, the soul may not choose what seems to be in our best interest; it may sacrifice our comfort and apparent well being for a greater good. Often when soul recognizes repetition in a no win situation, it will create a way out that sometimes leads to an inner debate between the mind and the soul. The mind says "no, change is scary". The soul moves us forward.

These paradigms of reality are kind of like human operating systems. When we are functioning in one of them, it is how we see the world, and those perceptions create our reality, they structure what we can and cannot do. The mind automatically reaches for past data, so the first paradigm is usually most familiar. Since the faster something vibrates the more solid it appears, slowing down our thoughts is the first step to shifting gears into another place of perception that can result in a new reality. Breath, meditation, prayer, observation, stillness, and time in nature allow us to notice where we are and chose a new direction. Paying attention to the present moment rather than dwelling in the past can provide opportunity to inhibit and redirect our thoughts, to open our minds and hearts and be more receptive to spiritual growth.     

 "You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body"    C.S. Lewis

Bear Heart, a Muskogee medicine man, wrote a  book in collaboration with Molly Larkin called The Wind is My Mother.  I have fallen in love with this book, so it might show up in more than a couple of these tidbits. One of the many things they wrote about that spoke to my heart is the difference between releasing and relinquishing.

If we give something to someone, we let go of it in order to give it. But if we have an attachment to what they do with it after we give it to them, then we have not truly relinquished our hold on it. Perhaps you have been on the other end of this and have had the experience of someone giving you money and then wanting to supervise how you spent it. Or perhaps you have given a loved one  a gift and been disappointed when they did not wear it? In these situations we have released or let go the object in question, but we have not really relinquished our attachment to it. And by holding on we set ourselves up for disappointment, rejection or doubt, conversations  in our mind that Depak Chopra called "soul-shrinking"  because they tend to create limiting beliefs in attempt to protect ourselves from future hurt. 

If we give someone our love, is there an expectation as  to what the other does with it? Are we attached to love being returned in a certain way? Frequently in therapy sessions I heard one of a couple saying, "If you loved me you would have known that! (done that, not done that, said that, not said that.....)" Can we love without attachment to a specific outcome or behavior?  Can we just love? In her book A Return To Love, Marianne Williamson wrote, "In the holy relationship, we don't seek to change someone, but rather to see how beautiful they already are. Our prayer becomes "Dear God, take the scales from in front of my eyes. Help me to see my brother's beauty." It is our failure to accept people as they are that gives us pain in relationship, it is our failure to relinquish our expectations that prevents us from knowing who they are. 

When I studied hypnosis I learned that many people who suffer from asthma do not fully exhale, do not fully relinquish the exhausted air in their lungs before they try to inhale. And therefore there is not room for the new breath, and they struggle to breathe. If we fully exhaled, if we fully relinquished our expectations what might we discover in our relationships? Breath is the most important thing we do in this life. It is also a metaphor for everything else: take in, let go. Receive, relinquish. Breathe.